Saumya Tewari is a PhD student at TISS, Mumbai, specialising in public policy and is an independent social research consultant and writer.  To take a break from serious public policy and academic writing, she hopes to write a novel soon.

Happily single!

Being upfront

Jane Eyre

Plays, trekking

Whatever I cook

 
 

Stories by Saumya Tewari

Indian Arranged Marriage - Through the eyes of a Woman | Bonobology.com

This is how the Indian marriage market works

Saumya Tewari
Saumya Tewari
Posted on : 27 Mar 2017

The marriage market described in terms of economic and social theory

Views: 1.68k
Comments: 0
What is the current trend on Matrimonial sites | Bonobology.com

What men and women look for when browsing online matrimony sites

Saumya Tewari
Saumya Tewari
Posted on : 23 Mar 2017

Indians prefer matrimony portals to dating sites when they marry and caste and community still important in matrimony, says the Head of Mark...

Views: 976
Comments: 0
Not looking for a relationship | Bonobology

I'm not looking for a relationship

Saumya Tewari
Saumya Tewari
Posted on : 28 Feb 2017

They began to be intimate, but then he said…

Views: 2.13k
Comments: 0
Reasons why Married Men get Irritated | Bonobology

The top 5 irritants in a married man's world

Saumya Tewari
Saumya Tewari
Posted on : 06 Jan 2017

What are the five top reasons married men get irritated?

Views: 1.83k
Comments: 1
Reasons why Urban Indian Couples fight | Bonobology

10 reasons why Indian couples fight

Saumya Tewari
Saumya Tewari
Posted on : 16 Dec 2016

What are the most common reasons why urban couples in India fight?

Views: 3.24k
Comments: 0

Blogs published by Saumya Tewari

I Am In Love, But No One Cares

Some don't see it

Some can't feel it

Wherever I go, you are the one I miss

In solitude, you are the one I want to be with

M ...

Saumya Tewari    
SaumyaTewari 01 Apr 2017
 
Views: 518

Love Was Blind When You Closed Your Eyes

Love Was Blind When You Closed Your Eyes


They told me love was blind

But think about it, how can that be?

I knew what ...

Saumya Tewari    
SaumyaTewari 17 Apr 2017
 
Views: 84

 

Discussions by Saumya Tewari

When women woo men

Fellow community members, a simple question- why can't men handle women asking them out or wooing them? Why do women have to wait for the ... Read More


What is feminism to men?

I read a question for women in the recent discussions about feminism! 

Just wanted to ... Read More


Online Matrimony vs Online Dating: Which one would you prefer and why?

Turns out that the world of online matrimony is not very different from the real matrimony market- where the important variables are caste, co ... Read More


What do men feel about marriage markets?

Do men also feel that they are judged in the marriage market - for their looks, jobs, assets? Do men also feel that they are forced into matrimony? Sh ... Read More


When friends have sex

If you have sex with a close friend, does it mean you are in a relationship? Can a relationship between friends work if they end up having sex and fee ... Read More



View more discussions

Activity by Saumya Tewari

Saumya Tewari

Saumya Tewari Commented

20 May 2017

Comment :

Thank you for sharing your experience. It is indeed encouraging to hear successful and happy stories! And congratulations, you and your wife are very lucky.

But please don’t take it personally and at the same time please don’t just dismiss her concerns and problems- people are different around the world. It is a sensitive matter. For some people, life has been bitter and it is important to point that out and carefully handle delicate relationships.

Please consider a few things here- as a man, did you move in with your wife’s family after you got married? Are you socially and financially dependent on your wife and/or her family? I am sure you did not expect your wife to change her surname and left the choice to her but did you go through a dilemma as to whether you should adopt her surname or perhaps offered that you will change yours? And these are just small routine things women go through after marriage!

This is why advice here cannot be gender neutral; rather, it has to be gender sensitive. There is a reason why there is so much social intervention, research and debates around women’s rights- women are more vulnerable. And it really has little to do with arranged or love marriages.

And one more thing, there is this new trend of adulating men who have made “sacrifices” for their wives- gave up jobs, take care of children, cook! Nothing to be proud of women do it all the time and have been doing it for ages! Period.

I have been married almost 6 months. It was a love marriage and I didn't know my husband's family very well. But since our wedding I feel their resentment against me. I even heard my mother in law tell someone that they could have gotten someone better than me, and that I trapped their son. My husband seems unaware and I don't know how to tell him without making it seem like I am bitching about his family. I do love him, but am beginning to hate his family. Don't want this to spoil my relationship!


Saumya Tewari

Saumya Tewari Commented

20 May 2017

Comment :

I did not say your comment was sexist. You said it!

Indians are patriarchal, your advice is just impractical- probably because you can't keep yourself in a woman's shoes. And this is why-


Most Indians, both men and women, don't know the concept of domestic violence. The lady has overhead her in-laws saying she has "trapped their son"- it is emotional abuse. Because she is the lawfully wedded wife and nobody has the right to say that they could have got him a "better wife". It is demeaning to hear as a wife for any lady.

And it will be equally demeaning for a husband to hear if his in-laws said they could have found their daughter a better match. Just that, the husband will not be living with his in-laws- that is patriarchy.


I have seen cases with my close friends where it started with such taunts and ended with domestic violence- even physical violence and finally separation and divorce. My friend tried to win the inlaws and they just kept exploiting her- they even forced her to leave her job, give her debit card to them, which they used without her permission- to prove her love, she did everything they asked.


I didn't want to scare her by relating extreme cases. But such taunts are never welcome in any situation for anybody. And are not a sign of healthy relationships. It should stop there. If they say things directly to her, it will be domestic violence. That is why I asked her to take it in a lighter side if they are not directly saying anything to her.

And it is not only the lady's responsibility to "fit" into the family- the family has to be accomodative and respectful too. 

I have been married almost 6 months. It was a love marriage and I didn't know my husband's family very well. But since our wedding I feel their resentment against me. I even heard my mother in law tell someone that they could have gotten someone better than me, and that I trapped their son. My husband seems unaware and I don't know how to tell him without making it seem like I am bitching about his family. I do love him, but am beginning to hate his family. Don't want this to spoil my relationship!


Saumya Tewari

Saumya Tewari Commented

19 May 2017

Comment :

Indians are patriarchial, nothing new about that- and even if the daughter-in-law is chosen by the family, they will find something or the other wrong with her.. just take it in that stride! 

No need to worry as long as people don't cause any open emotional harm to you.

Don't listen to the advice the men are giving you down below, as I can see- you must be neutral. And from your end don't be mean or bitter. That is the best way to tackle people who dislike you. Focus on things you love about your husband, find hobbies to pursue and if you have a career, focus on that.

And especially, don't make any efforts to "win" people. If it won't work, you will end up hurt even more. 

I have been married almost 6 months. It was a love marriage and I didn't know my husband's family very well. But since our wedding I feel their resentment against me. I even heard my mother in law tell someone that they could have gotten someone better than me, and that I trapped their son. My husband seems unaware and I don't know how to tell him without making it seem like I am bitching about his family. I do love him, but am beginning to hate his family. Don't want this to spoil my relationship!


Saumya Tewari

Saumya Tewari Commented

15 May 2017

Comment : Very cute story about maiden surnames- and its true, once you have children you are family with your partner, and the existential question arises- what surname to give to the child- frankly, if I had the choice, I would have taken my mom's maiden surname- UPRETI- its very uncommon in India! ;)
Changing Your Surname after Marriage | Bonobology.com

It took me 4 years to decide, but I changed my name after marriage

Avantika Chitlangia Sharma
Avantika Chitlangia Sharma
Posted on : 15 May 2017

She dillydallied for four years, but finally things came to a head and she had to decide what her name was going to be

Views: 755
Comments: 4

Saumya Tewari

Saumya Tewari Commented

13 May 2017

Comment :

each won't exist without the other

What is the difference between love and friendship? Apart from physical boundaries, what else?



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