Dr Gaurav Deka is a writer, a medical doctor and a psychotherapist based in Delhi. His articles, essays and opinion pieces have been published in Scroll, The Hindu Blink, The Times of India, Live Mint, Love Matters, Himal Southasian, and DailyO, among many others. He is also part of The Times of India – Ask the Expert column. 

 
 

Stories by Gaurav Deka

My Boyfriend Wants Open Relationship, I Don’t | Bonobology.com

He said it meant nothing even if he slept outside the relationship

Gaurav Deka
Gaurav Deka
Posted on : 11 May 2017

He wanted to be in the relationship so much that he agreed his partner could have an ‘open’ relationship from his end

Views: 1.86k
Comments: 0
Six things to let go of in a long-term relationship | Bonobology

Six things to let go of in a long-term relationship

Gaurav Deka
Gaurav Deka
Posted on : 15 Feb 2017

What are the extras that you need to let go of for any long-term relationship to flourish?

Views: 1.20k
Comments: 0
Creative People and Success in Relationships | Om Puri | Bonobology

Can creative people have successful relationships?

Gaurav Deka
Gaurav Deka
Posted on : 07 Jan 2017

Om Puri, who died recently, was a stalwart actor, but when it came to his personal life, success seemed to evade him

Views: 2.52k
Comments: 3
Being comfortable in One

Mirror, mirror on the wall...On orientation and being comfortable in our bodies

Gaurav Deka
Gaurav Deka
Posted on : 24 Nov 2016

Being happy in one’s own body is often very difficult and stressful, even without the pressure of differences in sexuality

Views: 630
Comments: 0

 

Discussions by Gaurav Deka

Why are body-types are on the rise? How can we look beyond bodies at this time and age?

The body has become such an important entity in the LGBT scenario, particulary in the gay community, that we are defined by the amount of body hair ... Read More



Activity by Gaurav Deka

Gaurav Deka

Gaurav Deka Commented

19 May 2017

Comment :

First things first: She is not ready for this, and she is still not over her past relationship. People follow different timelines to heal and sometimes, they are not even aware of the fact that it would take them that long.

But what you need to focus on is, you are certainly healed at some level, if not completely. Therefore you could take this step. And were ready to be in love. This also gives you an insight that you are capable of feeling love and being in it. You need to pursue that thought and feeling. She became the medium for that relaisation but maybe she doesn't need to be the holder of it.

You need to pursue that feeling of yours and still be on the site, or still look for love. Right now it will be difficult for you, for you also need to go through a phase of convalescence. But at the same time, understand that the source of your love and happiness is not outisde of you, it is inside you. So, don't give up on love. Don't give up on your belief that it is possible to find love and have another experience.

I am 44 yr widowed man from pune, having 2 kids. my wife passed away 5 years back. I was totally busy with office and looking after my kids. I have some tragic past as my first girlfriend/finance passed away in accident and my wife passed away due to heart attack. Since then I am living happily with my kids.

Recently my friends suggested me to join dating site for companion/female friend. I joined one site and surprisingly got in touch with divorcee lady(single mother). We connected very fast to each other that we meet for coffee next day. It was good 2 hours coffee date. We shared lots of things about each other. She even told me about her last 2 relationships very openly.

We used to chat long hours at nights. She was giving all indication that she just love my company. she was very excited and was telling me that she is eagerly ready to be in relationship with me as most of our views/liking/hobbies were matching.  On 3rd day of our friendship, she suggested that we should go for dinner on next day. I was ready, due to holidays my kids were went to my in-laws house. At night around 1 a.m. she messaged me to meet in morning at her place as she is very excited. I took leave and went to her place. We had nice talk and while talking I took her hand in my hands. All of sudden she told me sorry I can’t do it. I was ok and leave her hands. She told me that she will inform me about evening dinner. So I left place and went to CCD for coffee. She sent me message that sorry as she is not able recover from her previous relationship and canceled our dinner.

After that date she just stop communication, I was not able to understand what happened in few mints. I even messaged her “Is there anything I did wrong?”. She told me no you are very nice lovable guy. We can be good friends, can’t move ahead. I do respect her feelings. She is not even consider me as her friend as most of my messages (which I write hardly once in few days) she is deleting without reading.

I really fall in love with her, but do respect her feelings and stopped communication with her. But she activated my sensual desire. Now I don’t know how to come out of it. It’s really difficult for me. Few day I am taking long route to my office from her home. Although I am not stopping there, but can’t forget her. What can I do?


Gaurav Deka

Gaurav Deka Commented

05 May 2017

Comment :

The worst part is there is no clear line of demarcation between falling in love and knowing if you are surely in love with that person. It's just like a spectrum like any other human attribute. There is no clear cut classification system. What brings a change to our lives in such situations, is our CHOICES. It is, in the end, our choices that will make us - who we are and what will happen to us - instead of the situations governing us, or our abilities to cope with those situations. So, go ahead and make your choice. 

I love my husband but over the last year I have gotten very close to an old friend as he went through divorce. While I have remained faithful I feel I may be falling in love with my friend. How do I know if I am in love with another man? I am so confused about my feelings right now!


Gaurav Deka

Gaurav Deka Commented

19 Mar 2017

Comment : The most obvious after effects and byproducts of letting a relationship go, or a break up is an internal 'void'. And all voids demand some amount of filling up. Now, it demands how we feed these voids. Some people feed it through substance, some others feed it through emotional surplus. It is then that rebounds become handy. But these voids demand more and more filling. Therefore an alcoholic remains an alcoholic, or an emotional eater remains so. There is no stop to it or end to it. Plus, there is always some amount of collateral damage. So, before anyone goes for a rebound, one can stand back and think "what is this void all about". It is important to identify it and mend it. It is important to have a relationship with yourself first - a healthy, kind, non-addictive one. And then search for a certain someone who can be with you, and spend the rest of your life or a part of it with you.

Gaurav Deka

Gaurav Deka Commented

11 Mar 2017

Comment : Love is the most original, the most primal and the beginning of all things. We also know that as humans we survive on connections and co-existence. Hence the idea of relationship is primary to survival. And it is because of relationships people can create meaning in their lives. Without the existence of a certain 'other', in other words, without the existence of connection, nothing would ever make sense. Therefore relationships are the only thing that keep us happy. And for that happiness to survive and seek maintenance, love is non-compensatory.

Gaurav Deka

Gaurav Deka Like this

08 Jan 2017

Creative People and Success in Relationships | Om Puri | Bonobology

Can creative people have successful relationships?

Gaurav Deka
Gaurav Deka
Posted on : 07 Jan 2017

Om Puri, who died recently, was a stalwart actor, but when it came to his personal life, success seemed to evade him

Views: 2515
Comments: 3


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