Lying and pretending about couple preferences in front of family

I have been dogged by this occurrence ever since I got married. As a single person, I never faced this but after getting married and starting to interact with other couples in the family as well as outside, I realized that many couples in our generation maintain double lives. As a couple we have mutual understanding and indulge in what our parents think are vices (non-vegetarian food, alcohol etc) but the parents have no clue because we never mention it to them and pretend that we have the same preferences as our parents. So many times when we are all outside, a common instruction given out is to not share photos lest the parents see what we are up to. It pains me, this exclusion, this double life, this pretense. I keep thinking they will never get to participate in our lives 100% due to these lies and hidden truths. And what happens when we all have to live together for longer periods? Why force children to follow one lifestyle as if the children are still immature, and why should the children encourage that? Why can't we all as adults accept that we have different lifestyles and these small things are not a chink in anyone's honour? Any suggestions on navigating this minefield? Should we tell the truth and risk it, or continue to lie and hide these facts?


It can be tricky. My suggestion would be to introduce your lifestyle bit by bit. Don't give them a shock all of a sudden. Make it matter of fact and try not to make a big deal out of it. Gradually, they will come to terms with it. 



I totally understand what you mean as most of us go through this after marriage. Generally, we are comfortable telling our parents about our children but when it comes to us and our spouse, we hesitate and lie. That I think is because as partners, we might be influenced by the other, accept their practices but if our parents get to know about this, they might get upset. They might not be able to accept the "vices" and might instead blame themselves and be unhappy. So, to protect them, we tend to lead different lives and lie to them. According to me, this is completely fine because our circumstances are very different from theirs and we have adapted to the practices followed by our generation, our peers. A little lie doesnt hurt :)

  • JR
  • Posted: 07 Sep 2016

Transparency always works better. Try and be as honest as you can.

  • Tyrion
  • Posted: 06 Sep 2016

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