I need to remarry for myself, not for my son

Divorced and with a young son her sole responsibility, Jaibala has been reconsidering how she approaches possible future relationships

Jaibala Rao | Posted on 19 Sep 2016
I Need To Remarry After Divorce For Myself, Not For My Son | Bonobology

The society and the people around us invariably expect just one thing to happen in everyone's life: Settle down. For men, this means landing up with a well-paying job and for women, this happens when she ties a knot. Sometimes, even progressive people define women by this very yardstick. So how would the same people react to a woman who got divorced merely two years after “settling down”. To top it all, she has a son, too, to look after since her ex-hubby refused to shoulder his share of parenthood. 

I went through all this around three years ago. The day my divorce got finalized, I felt like celebrating the freedom from the trauma of marriage. That was, ironically though, also the same day when search for the second ideal man on matrimonial sites started afresh. Though my parents never push me to re-marry, but they did remind me of the responsibility of my son. “Think about S (my son)” speeches were given to me to make me agree, grudgingly though, to the second innings of marriage.

I wasn’t keen for the second marriage immediately since I wanted to deal with the idea of being a single mom, readjust my life’s goals and learn who I was. A relationship was the last thing on my mind, let alone marriage. My attention was divided and there was so much happening. However, I was repeatedly told, “Now is the right time, S is young and he will be able to adjust quickly”. This drilled some sense into my head and I started feeling that the time was running out. 

A man from one of the matrimonial sites expressed interest. My parents vetted him and after they gave a green signal, we started chatting soon after. I was reluctant at first, but later I warmed up to him. He learnt about S and was willing to accept him, or so it seemed. Then one day he announced, “I can’t look after your son, you should put him up for adoption. He will turn out to be a problem in my life.”

I wondered how could a two-year-old be a problem for anyone especially for someone who was not known to him? Before this happened, I was unsure if I could be crestfallen any more after an early divorce, but that day, I realised that I still had some hope to lose.

While I was trying to move on for the sake of my parents, but every time I used to meet him, I wanted to scream to the world, “My child is not a liability”.

That was the time when my focus shifted from me in a future relationship solely to how S would figure in it. Everyone I spoke to was given one pre-condition for the relationship, “You have to accept my child.”

I spoke to a lot of men who expected me to accept their children like my own while at the same time, they insisted that I give up my son. The brutally honest deal came from a man who said, “Let me get one thing clear, I won’t spend a single penny on your son. He is not my responsibility.”

And I took it all because this was exactly what I had expected.

I finally lost focus and gave up. I asked my parents to give me more time to figure out who I was and what exactly I wanted to be able to refocus and figure out what I wanted from life and whether I wanted to marry at all or not.

And then one day, I had an epiphany: I realised that I should not get married for S at all but for myself. I am doing a commendable job of being a single parent and do not need any help from anyone else. I am not incomplete nor do I need someone to fill any void.

Getting married for the wrong reasons is also a kind of torture you inflict
on the person you marry; I was not going to go through that again.

I am not looking forward to fill a hole in my life or to complete a puzzle, nor am I a puzzle piece that will fit in someone’s incomplete puzzle. I am not looking for a father for my son but the person who becomes a part of my life will just happen to be his father.


Jaibala Rao

A microbiologist by training and a freelance writer and columnist by profession, Jaibala Rao is regularly featured on various reputed online publications, including Huffington Post India and Women’s Web. She is very passionate about writing and blogging and also conducts workshops that help other writers find their voice.

Comments : 10

tulika singh: I love the way you tackle sensitive decisions and ideas - with so much honesty, bravery and such absolute clarity. With those ingredients you can never go wrong in life. You son is very fortunate to have you Jaibala.

JaibalaRao: Thank You Tulika. I guess, this comes from a sense of comfort in knowing that the people who matter, are the ones who are unconditional in their support. I want to start these conversations, because they need to be had.

Geetha Sridhar: no words,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, speechless, god bless u both, we met only once,,, but u were always talking about ur son, and u said i left at my mom house he is so naughty..... god bless u dear,,,, be postive.....iam there for u dear ...... hugs to uuu.. love u

JaibalaRao: Thank You so much Geeta. Hugs and lots of love.

RashmiLingappa: Very well written! Hugs, Loved the part where you said marry for right reasons or else you end up inflicting torture on the person you marry, that is so true. I believe you will end up inflicting yourself too with alot of torture if you don't marry for right reasons. Its an eyeopener for a lot of men and women who read this!

JaibalaRao: Rashmi, True it is torture both ways. I hope that at least this makes people think. Thank You


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