When Ex-Partners Wash Dirty Linen in Public

Why respect, not just love is what relationships must aspire to have, says Dr. Kushal Jain

Paromita Bardoloi | Posted on 07 Aug 2016
Relationship Tips To Handle & Avoid Throwing Dirt At Ex Partners | Bonobology

Tabloids have a field day, when celebrities break up. But it gets more exciting for them when dirty linen is washed in public. News channels get flared up and the gossip industry works overtime. We saw this when Kushal Tandon and Gauhar Khan called off their relationship. Mud was slung and Twitter had a good day responding to it. But it was when Matinee God Hrithik Roshan and Queen Kangana Ranaut were involved in a public spat that things got murkier. It was all over national media, the newspapers churned out pieces where everything said, ‘close sources said,’ photos were published, and even Hrithik’s ex wife joined in to support him.

It is no rocket science; we all know that not everything is going to last forever. Then why do some break ups become so foul that ex-partners think nothing of throwing dirt at each other?

Dr. Kushal Jain, Consultant Psychiatrist at Model Hospital, New Delhi spoke to me in a revelatory interview.

Why is it that even after a break up, some people wash dirty linen in public?

The end of a relationship is mostly determined by the intent by which one enters a relationship. If you enter with love and boundaries of respect, in all probabilities even if one breaks up, they will still respect the other’s boundaries and not indulge in mudslinging. However, if the intent has been of just momentary attraction or fear, the outcome might be disastrous. It’s not only love that keeps a relationship together but deep respect that makes it compatible. Respect keeps a person from overstepping into the other’s boundaries. Abusive relationships might have love, but due to the lack of respect, one partner completely violates the other’s boundaries.

Why do some people find it so hard to let go of their ex-partners?

Human behaviour is complex and it is interesting to know that in real life, only love won’t keep us alive. Human beings have a need to control. Some partners control the other in a relationship or want to control even after the relationship has ended. This need to control creates havoc once the partner moves on. Though in reality no one can control anyone, but this desire to still have a hand on one’s ex’s life even after the break up creates a lot of unhealthy behaviour that can be harmful for both the persons involved.

Can you narrate a case where ex-partners created havoc in each other’s lives?

The core of a sustaining a healthy relationship is respect, even when you are not together anymore. There was this woman who after her break up could not let go off her ex. She would stalk him on social media, land up outside his house, throw things at him and talk about him in public. Finally the guy had to resort to psychiatric help. He just could not deal with the stress anymore.

Do Indians respect their partners in relationships? 

In India, marriage is the only relationship that has social sanctity. So, there is much respect between the partners. In India, a relationship involves the family; so the sense of responsibility comes in with a partner. People in general, don’t just marry and leave.

What do you think about the changing dynamics of modem day urban relationships, where the power structure has visibly changed?

We are in the crux of evolution now. Everything changes very quickly. What earlier took years to change, in today’s time it takes a few months and in few cases a few days. But finally all will settle down.

One of the best things about today’s generation is   that, they know that
 a relationship might not last forever. So, they do come from that place
of understanding and maturity.

- Dr. Kushal Jain


What do you think of about the role of social media in the changing dynamics of modern day relationships?

Social Media gave every person a chance to be a celebrity. Now that one has a place to rant and make oneself heard, the platform is used. But the users have also become smarter, knowing what to accept or reject. Though there are damages done by social media updates, but I do not see any doomsday. This will also settle down.

How does one get over a break up and invite a healthy relationship in life?

Once you break up, try having no contacts with your ex partner for a year or so. Don’t jump into the next relationship too quickly. Think for yourself why the previous relationship did not work; how did you react and behave. In the meantime, learn to love and respect yourself. You cannot love or respect the other, without doing it to yourself.

What do you think of celebrity break ups in public?

Do not believe too much in these celebrity break ups, most of the time their own PR firms work overtime to get as much mileage as they can garner.


Paromita Bardoloi

Paromita Bardoloi describes herself as a proud Indian, writer, columnist, book reviewer, dreamer, workaholic and achiever.

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