Counselling

My husband has had an affair all our married life

heart broken lady

Q: I’ve been married for 8 years. We have two daughters. I’ve always had to demand attention and love from my partner. He always told me that he loved me but his way of expressing was different and he can’t change that. I recently discovered that he has been going around with a girl since around 8 years. He says he loves her but wants to remain in the marriage for kids. He says to give him time. What can I do?

A: My question to you is what do you want to do? You will have to ask and answer a few important questions of yourself. Do you love him? Are you fine with a non-monogamous marriage? Because these questions are subjective and personal value driven questions.

What is clear from your account is that you do not feel loved and he has cheated on you for all those years and the only reason he wishes to continue being the marriage with you is kids. I generally don’t give such directive advice, but in this case it seems like you’ll be better off finding happiness on your own. His actions towards you, whatever his style of showing love as he claims it to be, do not constitute care and concern for your well being. I would make sure that I do not fall into this idea that divorce is more catastrophic for kids than an unhappy household. Kids stand a better chance of growing up when there is more love and peace around them than not. I understand it is easier for us to suggest and harder for you to follow through, but I would still suggest you start working on strengthening your social networks for the difficulties that a separation/divorce brings with it.

Something bothering you? Get in touch with Bonobology Counsellors. It is free.

Published in Counselling
Deepak Kashyap
Deepak Kashyap is a counselling psychologist and a certified life-skills trainer with a private practice in Mumbai, India. He is also a published columnist in national newspapers and magazines, writing about issues related to sex, mental health, relationships, and emotional disturbances. He also serves as a counselling expert with Bonobology.

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