I can run but I can’t hide from them. They’re everywhere. Aunties from my building. Neighbours. Relatives.
“How long are you going to make us wait for your good news!”
“You are 29 now and can still catch a good girl. At 35 you’ll only get a matron!”
“Do something more stable, son, and get married. About time!”
“All your friends are getting married and having babies. Soon you’re going to be very lonely, young man!”
“You are right handed, na? Make sure the girl is not left handed. It will only confuse your children!”
At times I feel like screaming. But then – as goes the tagline of the movie Alien – ‘In space, no one can hear you scream.’
I’ll be turning 30 this year. So why don’t I want to enter into ‘matrimonial bliss’? Am I commitment phobic? Let’s see.
Consider the girl/woman in question in my life at the moment. There isn’t any. I’m not saying I don’t go out on dates and stuff, but I don’t have anyone who I see myself spending the rest of my life with.
Unfortunately Flipkart hasn’t started dealing in this particular perfect-wife-material market till now. If they do, I’ll certainly become one of their loyal customers till I find someone for myself online. Or till I start searching for the next one. Remember what Jemima Khan’s father said when Imran Khan wanted to marry her? “Imran? Yes, he shall make a good first husband.”
Which gets me to my second point. Imran Khan was at least loaded. I can’t afford the great Indian wedding. I mean c’mon. Currently, the average minimum people spend at weddings is 15 lakhs. If I get married to some Delhi chick I’ll end up auctioning my 15 designer boxers. And even then that I would have 15 plates left to pay for – given what the wedding caterers charge.
In fact, nowadays, when people badger me, instead of asking whether they have an amazing girl in mind for me, I tell them that I’m looking for sponsors for my wedding.
And with the full start up boom in India, the day is not far off when we start having apps for shaadis also. Or maybe we already do?
Speaking of tech stuff, photoshop is a big hurdle to my getting married. I saw profile pics of a great looking girl and invited her on a date to a coffee shop in Hauz Khas. As you can imagine I was quite shocked when my date arrived – she looked nothing like her pics!
In fact there’s a whole photoshop culture out there. Overheard: “So then I told the photographer, bhaisaab, in that photo decoration is less, so please aap photoshop karke yellow and red roses ke bouquets laga dena!” Another time I eavesdropped on a whispered request by a portly matron to an attentive cameraman. She wanted him to place mehndi-coloured hair, with a side parting, on her bald husband’s head.
Anyways, I digress.
The assorted aunties, neighbours and relatives do have a point. Something which the great Khushwant Singh has also mentioned in an article of his – companionship. You see, most of my close friends have got married. The ones remaining will also do so soon enough. Result? They’ll have their own lives and wives, which shall be directly proportional to the drying up of my social life. No more nightspends at my friends’ places. Obviously. Because it’s not like any of my friends would fancy me sleeping between him and his wife and all of us cuddling up.
Don’t get me wrong. Just because I’m stating apprehensions regarding it does not mean I don’t like marriages. In fact, I love attending marriages. You get to meet relatives and people you haven’t seen in ages. There’s a party every day and night. I get to choose new profile pics for my Facebook page. And the food. An unending array of tikkas always make me happy.
Anyways, I digress again.
Marriage. Then kids. And then school. Going through various subjects while teaching them – same ones which stumped me when I was a kid. In a way of course it will be nice. I’ll look at all those books and every time exclaim, “Damn! I beat this!” Of course, my critics would argue I didn’t beat it by getting 90%, but bunk that.
Also, whatever money I earn, I feel at times I’d like to spend on myself. And on my parents. They’re the ones who’ve taken all my shit (literally and otherwise too) right from the beginning. Because maybe, your true soul mates (that term which boys and girls keep using in their mushy status messages) are your parents.
Of course, I would love to find that someone ‘special’. Maybe if I find someone who I can annoy for the rest of my life. The search is on. I’m only scared that one lifetime may not be enough. However, applications for the post of my wife are very much open. Do get in touch with me and if you are found eligible, we shall set up an interview.