Pati not the parmeshwar any more for married women

Expectations from a marriage have gone up on both sides. But what is fuelling it?

Raksha Bharadia | Posted on 23 Dec 2015
Pati not the parmeshwar any more for married women

I spoke to eminent psychiatrist Dr Rima Mukherji about the changing definition of marriage and our expectations from it. Here are some excerpts: 

"If we take the age bracket of 25-35, then today’s women do not want to worship or idolize a ‘devta’ as a husband. They want a friend in him, they want someone equal to themselves and with whom they can share. He should be well established, should be do very well with kids, should be sensitive. On both sides, the expectations have increased. Theoretically Men are very happy getting married to working woman but they are not able to handle the consequences. For example they are not able to handle the fact that their wives are not like their mother – who was always present to provide him everything- give time to child, do household chores, have a house that is very nice and looks good. Most men do not dare to speak it out, they may say this after few years of marriage. The values and attitude that you grow with, stays all your life. If you have had a domesticated mother, then the boy will want a wife like her.

Whereas a boy who has had a working mother in his life, is used to doing things on his own, is self sufficient – and is more adjusting. We seem to be in a phase of transition – these boys are equipped better – they used to come home to an empty house… they learn to live within resources and learn to adjust to life. Also they have seen their friends whose mothers used to stay at home.. Whose mothers used to nag the kids saying you have to study now, you have to do this now – and the friends were not happy. Today there are several young adults who are very vehement that they need to have a working wife because they feel that they cannot have conversations with a non-working woman. They feel their needs would be actually better met by someone who is very good. They are contented if they do not get everything because they were not getting everything anyway."

Something to consider?


Raksha Bharadia

Raksha Bharadia is a writer and editor. She has authored three books published by Rupa & Co. She has put together 13 titles in the Chicken Soup for the Indian Soul series for Westland. She has also worked as a scriptwriter with Star Plus. She has been a columnist for Femina, Ahmedabad Mirror, and DNA, Ahmedabad. Raksha has taught creative writing for a Master’s Program at CEPT, Ahmedabad. is Raksha’s first significant foray in the digital space.

Comments : 8

Sampurna Majumder: truly said. Am sure even men these would love to have a partner with whom they share certain level of intellectual curiosity and understanding.

Team Bonobology: Picture where you and your husband might be in a few decades, in the winter of your marriage. Your kids will be grown and gone. The heat of sexual intimacy may have faded because of health. One or both of you will probably be retired from your formal occupation. What is left? How will you fill an empty house and hours of silence? Through friendship, the powerful bond that will keep you connected through each season of joy and grief. It's worth working toward now!

Maya Khandelwal: Hey! Never thought this way! I do believe guys nowadays are looking for girls working because even they don't want to be idolised as gods and would have no woman called wife touch their feet. They would love to have someone around who is an intellectual at par, self reliant, patient and understanding. Yes boys that have had working moms back then, don't tend to emotionally rely upon others to make them happy. Adjustment is the key they have long adhered to. Countless are the girls with strong calibre who have restless days and sleepless nights because their dream carriers have been jeopardised at the alter of domestic happiness. To my mind, she can't really be expected to keep members in the family happy if she is keeping up appearances.

Team Bonobology: There will be seasons of marriage in which you just don't feel close to your husband. You don't want to go on a date, laugh together, or have fun. Do it anyway. Research overwhelming indicates that our feelings follow our actions, not the other way around. When you make the effort to have fun with your husband, your feelings will follow. You can choose to be friends with your husband—not based on feelings, but based on your priorities.

Shruti Mathur: Happily married means sharing of everything, including household chores.

Team Bonobology: Many marriages die because the relationship is viewed as a roadblock to dreams. Sure, your spouse may not share your exact interests, but any couple can find common ground if they really look for it.


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