Counselling

Mother in law doesn’t want me and husband can’t leave her

Question:

Mine is an arranged marriage held in December 2013. On the first day (and thereafter) of the marriage my mother in law said to me “this is my house, if you want to live here you have to live according to my rules”. She also often uses abusive language for my parents. Whenever my husband speaks up for me she says, ‘both of you get out of my house’. What is worse is that if I say something to my husband he starts hurting me or himself. My mother in law blames me for increasing the bills at home and for not contributing to work at home. She asked me to pick up a job and so I picked up a job and I do the usual work at home which I do. (There is no maid, not even for cleaning and utensils). My husband also doesn’t always understand, he says, ‘mom will change’.

I am in a difficult spot. Last year when I delivered my child, she didn’t help me at all with any work, help which I would have appreciated. I am told my parents cannot visit me here. When she got angry once, she said that she can’t tolerate me and my child in her home.

I have a government job and got a posting near my native place where I would like to stay but my husband won’t come here as he cannot leave his parents. On the other side I can’t go back and live in that hell. I just hope that I get transfers from one place to the other, but that is not a long term solution. What should I do?

Answer:

This may be difficult and confusing. It is a relief I’m sure to be living independently. I’m assuming your parents live nearby. I’m also assuming, from what you’ve mentioned above, that you would want your husband to stay with you, where ever you are posted? Is that correct?

The only thing that I can see working for you right now is the fact that you’re living independently out of your in law’s home. Please continue doing so. Also, you really have to speak with your husband about the future of your relationship as a man and wife. The idea is not to scare you but help you open your eyes to the reality of your relationship. He is willing to stay away from you and your child, but not his parents. If both of you are able to have a healthy relationship while living apart, it is amazing, please continue doing so. If that’s not the case, gradually and patiently communicate the child’s need for a family and a healthy home environment, hence your inability to move back into the in laws house, but the husband moving in with you.

Also consider, that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t have the best in life. You’re out of your in laws home having sacrificed living with your husband. As it is you have a transferable government job, so can your husband keep moving places with you? Don’t leave your job at any cost. That’s your saving grace. Be financially independent and gradually build your emotional resilience too.

It is not really my place to tell you what to do. But I hope this gives you some clarity and hope.

All the best!

Snigdha

—–

Life post marriage can get challenging for some especially if the in laws ask you to leave the house. Sometimes living with invalid in laws can test a marriage too.

Published in Counselling

1 Comment

  1. Snigdhaji, ur advice is very nice n sensible but in this story husband needs to understand that his parents can’t be his side by life time but his spouse will live forever with him. There are so many husbands around the world who thinks that their mothers will change?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Send this to a friend