Spouse lives abroad but hardly calls. I feel neglected. What do I do?

Name Withheld | Posted on 16 May 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | My Husband Lives Abroad & Hardly Calls. What Do I Do? | Bonobology

Q: I recently married someone who lives in another country. He went back two weeks after the marriage. We have contact only through the phone and he barely calls. We spoke two times in the last ten plus days and that too when I insisted. He is aware that I look forward to connect. Before marriage, he would call almost daily. Now its a good morning and good night text, which is very dry considering we are a married couple and not just friends. I dont want to be a needy, clingy, girl but I do feel emotionally neglected, unloved and strangely lonely; something I never felt when single. It is incredibly painful that I am married to someone does not want to speak to me for five minutes a day. I spend most days crying miserably and trying to accept my fate. If he has no time or interest to form/keep a connection so early in the marriage, will it last? He is good otherwise, and usually nice and kind to people around him. But his lack of any interest in me is distancing me emotionally. I cant think of him as someone close. The relation is already strained and I cannot share my thoughts with him because on the one occasion that I did, he accused me of not being supportive. It turned into a very long-winding, complicated, discussion driving us further apart. I dont know why I married someone who is both geographically and emotionally distant. All I expect is that he calls daily or at least on alternate days for five minutes. Are my expectations too high? Thanks for your patience. What do I do?

our expectations are your expectations. They cannot be put through the unfair validation test of being right, wrong, high or low. To be happy, we all desire different things. Some people need a lot more connection and communication than others; which fact is not a reflection of or enough grounds to judge anyone as good or bad. 

This seems simple to anyone looking in from outside, but for the involved parties it is emotionally very difficult. You need to have a good and honest communication with him, without the fear of him misrepresenting, misunderstanding or simply rejecting your point as ?silly?What he understands is not your responsibility; the only thing that you are responsible for is presenting your point in clear, non-judgmental, and non-blaming style. Keep the grammar of ?I?; ?I feel this or I think that?, for example, and stay away from ?You do not do this or you make me feel this?. This will help the communication process.

Always know that you are in control of your situation. You cannot control others but you can control how you react to them to a greater extent than you think. If your romantic needs can be fulfilled in the way you would like, nothing like it. If they can’t, even after the negotiations that you are required to make at your end (you’ll know those after talking to him), then there is no shame in leaving the marriage to drive your point home; and then finally divorcing if it still seems mutually non-negotiable. You owe yourself happiness and have the capacity to generate it for yourself. 

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