I'm dating my friend and it has changed our friendship. How do I handle it?

Aditya, Kolkata | Posted on 25 May 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | I'm Dating My Friend & It Has Changed Our Friendship. How Do I Get That Back? | Bonobology
Q: We have been in a relationship for about two years now. Before this we were good friends. Ever since we have expressed our feelings for each other, the camaraderie we share has changed. Earlier we could pat each other on the back. Now I am not sure.
Your question is not very clear about the answer it seeks, but I will give it a go from what I think it is after, as an answer. I think you refer to being able to be happy in each other’s success and appreciate each other’s talents.
Very rarely would you find literature on the competitive natures of spouses. It can manifest in many forms, where one starts comparing one’s own achievements to those of one’s spouse or lover. There could be many triggers to this; the higher-achieving spouse being condescending, or too showy about their accolades. It could also be because the lower-achieving partner is experiencing low self-esteem because of other reasons in life, which is being amplified because of lower professional accomplishments.   
In such cases, an open and vulnerable communication is absolutely necessary. During which, both are allowed to share their insecurities and fears and their hopes and ambitions. Professional insecurity does put a lot of strain on one’s personal relationships.
So in order to get your friend back in your partner, you need to be friendlier towards them. Make them realize that they are not loved only for what they have achieved in life, but for who they are and how much they contribute to your personal happiness. This illogical but popular connection of ‘who I am,' defined by ‘what I have achieved alone,' has to be broken once and for all. If not in the world at large, but at least in the place you call your own little world. All the best.
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