Why do I still love the husband I am divorcing?

Name Withheld | Posted on 20 Jul 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | Why Do I Still Love The Spouse I'm Divorcing? | Bonobology

I have applied for divorce a few days ago. However, the fact is, that I love him. He has certain mental health issues and was always very uncooperative about things. But I still love him. Can you help me?

Divorces are very hard and so it’s only reasonable to second-guess your decision. Divorces are especially difficult in cases where the love is still alive. I will give you two major streams of thoughts and hope that it will help you make the decision in your situation.

Love is not enough: love is essential for a relationship to start and last but not enough. Many other components of wellbeing are required for a couple to experience fulfilment in long-term relationships. Compatibility, mutual trust, respect and commitment to name a few. So if the overall experience of the relationship is a distressing one, despite the love, that means a lot of fundamental things are missing from it. In such a scenario, both need to be committed to find out what is missing and fix it, in terms of developing virtues that would support the value of the relationship.

Love is enough: When one can see the goodness of one’s partner even through the depressing and distressing times, and realize the troubles caused because of incompatibilities and lack of trust can mostly be solved by emotional skills acquired through counselling, then one must use love’s power and motivation to see it through as much as one possibly can. This requires both the parties to be on the same page at least about the willingness to find answers and solutions.

In either case, love is not a license to stay if there is nothing to save. However, if there is a lot that can be rescued, love can definitely help. I hope this helps.

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