Q: I really get tense when kissing my wife and always mess it up. What should I do to avoid tension while kissing?
A: There are many reasons why people may feel uncomfortable or tense while kissing. There are two major modes of human experience: one is a ‘doing’ mode, and the other is the ‘being’ mode. The ‘doing’ mode is mostly goal oriented, where one wants to achieve or experience particular things from the situations one is in. The ‘being’ mode, on the other hand, is where one accepts experiences for what they are. The doing mode is good for a lot of goal oriented things like workplace success and carpentry, for example; however, things that require us to accept and love ourselves and others first, like sleep, sex and friendships, require us to switch from ‘doing’ mode to ‘being’ mode.
Expecting a kiss to feel a certain way and produce a certain sensation may be behind the tension of it all. Even if it is awkward the first few times, let it be and go with the flow. What could also be beneficial is to talk about the difficulties openly with your wife and express any pressure or shame that you might have been experiencing of ‘messing it up’ as you called it. Open communication and acceptance of the flow may be very helpful. Also remember, being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ at kissing doesn’t mean anything about you as a lover or a person.