Q: Two years ago Cupid struck and I fell for a married man. Despite knowing he was married, I couldn’t control my feelings for him. He reciprocated and confessed his love for me but also said that he loves his wife too and he cannot destroy his family. Things turned sour when, after six months, I came to know that he supports one of his childhood friends who lost her husband when she was just 30. She is his first love too. When he found her, she was in a very bad mental state and he gave her all possible mental, emotional and physical support. His wife is aware of this friend, but not about their relationship.
My main problem is that despite knowing the facts, neither am I able to come out of this relationship, nor I am able to happily remain. By now I have lost count of how many times I broke up with him, but after a few days we can’t stay away and end up coming close again. He repeatedly says that he cannot afford to lose me.
He says he cannot leave his wife as she has stayed with him in all ups and downs for the last 16 yrs. He cannot leave his friend because she will again break down. And he cannot leave me because he loves me.
But somehow I am not able to accept this. How can one person love three of us simultaneously? Can you please help me resolve this?
A: Hi lovestruck!
Well, it is indeed a tricky situation. But I guess when the conscious decision to have a relationship with a married man was made, we did sign up for a lot of trickiness, didn’t we? This kind of a complicated relationship always comes with a few tricky turns, but sometimes it can be all worth it. I completely understand and there is absolutely no judgement here. Love is found in the strangest of places. At the same time, I can also understand how his claiming to love three women simultaneously can be hard to digest. It is! Although he has valid reasons for all three, still, a guy has to have his limits right? Although I don’t have much information about him, to me he sounds like a guy who 1. Has a hard time saying ‘no’, to people in his life and to temptation and 2. Wants to push his luck as far as he can to make sure he has all that he wants.
Think about it: What is to stop him from including a fourth in his life when the time comes along? I’m pretty sure he believes that he cannot live without all of you; but what about YOU? Yes, you love him and the thought of walking out can be very scary. But what I need you to ask yourself is, would you rather be a priority one in someone’s life, or a second or third fiddle for someone who you can never have?
Here the important point to consider: Even more important than love, is what you want your OWN value to be. I’m not asking you to walk out of the relationship right away, but try taking off the ‘hold’ button on your life with him and explore life. Get out, meet new people, get unstuck. Maybe that’ll help to open up the horizons and you’ll realise that there can be much more to life. All the best!