When their worst fear came true, true love got this gay couple through

Sujit Banerjee tells the true story of a gay couple dealing with a partner's serious illness with utmost acceptance, grace and love

Sujit Banerjee | Posted on 03 May 2016
Story of a Gay Couple: Where love dwells, fear has no place | Bonobology

‘The bastard has been sleeping around behind my back,’ lamented my best friend.

He and Tavi had been dating for nearly 10 years. A chance meeting at a bar followed by a few conversations and drinks established that they could be something more than just good friends. Tavi was 10 years younger to my friend and had been raised by a single mother. Yet his appetite for life was unmatched, a quality my friend found endearing. Over time, he and Tavi not only became lovers but he also assumed the role of a friend, philosopher and guide.

That such a loving relationship could have room for pain, anger and disappointment would be unthinkable. And yet it had. Tavi had lately begun to lose weight. While my friend and Tavi saw it as a welcome change initially, I insisted that he consult a doctor since he had been wheezing and coughing.

The doctor advised him to go for the Western blot test, which confirmed our worst fears. Tavi was not only HIV+, but he had developed AIDS. The little bit of hope that there could be years of gap between testing HIV+ and finally confirming AIDS faded away gradually. My friend sunk into silent despair, so did Tavi.

My friend turned to me for help. He was struggling with his own fears of the virus affecting him and the horror of not having Tavi around in his life anymore. Busting myths related to AIDS are not easy, and so I began to reiterate ways in which the partner does not contract the virus. I assured him that these days even an infected person can hope to live long provided necessary precautions were taken.  

Honest conversation can be a great healer. Of the two, my friend recovered first and embarked on the most beautiful journey of life: hope. The first thing he did was to fix up an appointment with the doctor to determine the course of medical treatment. With right medication, the Western blot count could be drastically brought down. Some lifestyle changes would have to be made. Tavi would have to quit smoking since the lungs get affected first and the lower immune system would make it that much more difficult to fight infection. The doctor patiently explained that AIDS could only be passed on through direct blood contact and if the blood in any way was directly exposed to air, chances of transmitting the infection were next to nil (and through body fluids like vaginal secretions or semen). No other body fluid – tears, nasal fluid, saliva, sweat – could contaminate a person. Sharing food (eating out of the same plate), water (drinking water from the same bottle) and towel, could not possibly transmit the disease. Sharing clothes (shirts/tees), bed (they could continue to sleep in the same bed, even hug each other), soap (there was no need to have separate soaps) etc. was absolutely safe. No insect or bug can carry HIV and hence there would be no chances of getting infected by insects.  In other words, my friend and Tavi’s life would go on as usual. However, they could have sex only with adequate precaution like using condoms (though nothing fancy like ultra-thin). With a list of dos, came a list of don’ts. No sharing of razors or toothbrushes. Safely disposing off any item like cotton swabs, bandage etc. used to clean blood. No sucking of blood from cuts. No oral sex without condom (with condom it was safe unless one partner had a mouth infection or bleeding gum).

Prior to this visit, Tavi had gone into a shell. He had once confided in me about his mortal fear (rather suspicion) of having infected my friend and the guilt of being unfaithful to him. However, the doctor’s visit was a game changer. As a couple, Tavi and my friend made an unspoken, unwritten pact, that they would treat it like any other disease and would not cry over it. Each issue would be handled medically, and not emotionally.

The relationship dynamics between my friend and Tavi have changed too. They realise they are each other’s biggest strength as well as their biggest weakness, and hence equals in the relationship. Once in a while Tavi slips into depression for not having disclosed his condition to his mother and sister. All in due time, we assure him.

Tavi and my friend have decided to take life head on. For any of you, who might be in either of the shoes, know that empathy is as big a gift to the patient of AIDS as medical help. Do not compromise on either.


Sujit Banerjee

Apart from being the author of the book Rukhsat The Departure, Sujit works in the tourism industry and is involved in healing as well as tarot card reading. Music, photography and travel are his other passions.

Comments : 2

I am Krishna: I read Anu Aga wrote somewhere, that the long illness of her spouse in the end changed the way they saw each other.

Team Bonobology: The reality is that many couples must learn to cope and adjust to a life-altering illness. Understanding the impact this can have on your relationship can help you adjust and adapt to such an enormous challenge.


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