Anatomy of an affair

A young man gives into temptation despite his love for his wife

Raksha Bharadia | Posted on 04 May 2016
When Cheating is Sexier than Plain Old Love

Let’s call him Tarun. A thirty-two-something, working in IT at an MNC, living in our capital city, Delhi. From what came in the mail I could tell he earned a decent salary, was well-mannered, and was overall a regular good guy. Tarun, like most metrosexual men today, had had his fair share of dating and heartbreaks before he found the one. That was 3 years ago.

He wrote:

It was my bachelor party. My single friends teased me – my freedom would be over; chains and balls, that’s what marriage is about; a life of restraint, that’s what you’re headed for; and so on. I just smiled within. She was the woman of my dreams and I was going to be with her for the rest of my life, what more could I ever want?

Wasn’t marriage the most significant relationship of our lives? I looked at two of my cheating friends present at that party, somewhat looked down at them. One, whose affair had been exposed a month ago, and the other, whose biggest concern was keeping track of the lies he was telling on both fronts. The former was on the brink of a separation and was seeking counselling. They seemed to me morally inferior. The image of my girl flashed before my eyes and a deep wave of righteousness swept through me. She would never be in the shoes of their wives!

My girl was smart, sexy, educated and had a decent job. She worked at a corporate law firm nearby. We had accidentally crossed paths many a time at the local CCD, and felt that we were somehow destined to be together. We took our time and by the end of six months we both knew that we were made for each other. We had similar designs on life, both of us wanted to travel the world and adopt a child sometime in our forties! She doted on me, I was crazy about her. We completed each other.

I entered the zone of marital bliss - content with monogamous sex, sharing of vulnerabilities and promising to protect and look out for the other. The love making sessions were deeply fulfilling. Now that I look back, I can say that the heightened romance made monogamy feel like a breeze! I remember asking some of my friends: Why would anyone ever want to cheat?

About two years down the road the scenario had changed considerably, not with any major leaps but, instead, in tiny inconsequential bits. Romance paled as familiarity and job pressure grew. The sex cooled down with been-there-done-that, literally! T.V shows became a regular dinner companion and Sunday outings followed a clockwork routine. We held on a little more to each other’s minor irritants. Something we previously used to dismiss as nothing, the little quarrels that had led to great make-up-sex, got not-so-great as well. Nothing was really bad per se; just that nothing was really exciting either. Life chugged along with quotidian humdrum regularity.

But we had become a unit, in the real sense of the word. We took big and small decisions together and were each other’s safety nets. The biggest thing was the peace and comfort that our home gave us. Life was good, even if a tad boring.

Our sex life, however, took the worst hit. The more unhindered we turned with each other, the less exciting the sex became. We had settled in our cues of the ‘yay’ days and the ‘nay’ days, and accepted that without much ado. During her ‘nay’ days I resorted to masturbation and sometimes  sneakily watched porn. Perhaps she did the same. On ‘yay’ days I liked our regular routine sex too, but not as much; from long romantic sessions they had, more often than not, turned into quickies. And we kept up with the prescribed numbers! Yes it is funny, though we do not talk much about sex, we do have a prescribed number of times it is ‘normal’ for a couple married for 2 years. In case you are wondering, it was twice a week.

She was a trainee, almost a decade younger, pretty, sincere and eager to learn from her ‘boss’, and what a delight it was to be her mentor. She blushed when I paid her a compliment and she took extra care of her boss’s coffee time and remembered that I liked mine a little stronger. She made me feel like a king. It was during one of the office parties when, under the influence, I held on to her hand a little longer that required. That night as I jerked off at home, I thought about my trainee. The small romantic escapade, with her in my head, was exciting.

I began fantasizing about her during the ‘yay-day’ sessions with my wife. I was more passionate and it improved our sex life immensely. Thank god no one is privy to what goes inside our heads! I found life to be thrilling once again. I began to take care of my office clothing and maintained a three-day stubble. Everything seemed in sync, my work life, my home life with the wife, and the other with the trainee within the realms of my fantasies!

And then, one day, just like that, without much fanfare, the thought became relentlessly compelling - what would it feel like to hold her in flesh and blood. I knew her scent and I wanted to sniff it from close quarters. She was enamoured too, I could tell.

I felt stuck between wanting monogamy while also wanting to know what the trainee would feel like in my arms! I loved my wife, but I also felt this slight anger against her. Was she not the reason behind my entrapment? The passion I saw in movies and had once known with my wife could return with the trainee! And my single friends’ boasts of their conquests did not help. I could tell them too, the thrill which was within my reach, limited only by my inaction. Cheating became more and more tempting.

It happened during an outstation conference, under-the-influence once again. Inhibitions were down, Kishor Kumar songs set the mood, and she looked gorgeous in a metallic red sari. When I invited her to my room, I was sure I would stop at kissing . . .

The moment she left, I held my head in my hand. . . How could I have done this? It is like in the moments leading to it, I could not think straight or think of anything else except you know. . .

I loved my wife, the trainee meant nothing to me. What would my wife think if she knew?  

I felt guilty and anxious after the first transgression, but had gotten away with it. I loved my spouse. I did not want to lose her because my body was craving sex with another! I wanted to push this episode behind me and treat it as if nothing had happened. I was drunk, it happened, it did not mean anything.

Tarun’s email ended here. We exchanged many more. We went to the beginning, sometimes to the night. In many emails he spoke of his deep sense of shame and the frustration he felt over his lack of restraint.

It opened a Pandora’s Box. We exchanged many thoughts trying to delink love from the concept of sexual exclusivity.

What do we do with the monotony that will inevitably come with sexual exclusivity? It’s like one craves for halwa and the moment one eats it, one falls into despair. The cost against the reward is far more here than that of eating a samosa or cheesecake, that’s for sure! But at its root, it is a craving of the body, right?

Did Tarun cheat because he did not love his wife or care for her? Or because he cheated, is it that he did not love or care for her? I asked him. He said, ‘if I did not love her, I would have broken up with her, right? But I lie and keep this a secret because I do not want to lose her. . . I want to stay with her’.

Or did Tarun cheat because he did not want to lose her over casual recreational sex? I asked him whether he would be okay with her casual infidelity too. He said, ‘I would have asked her if we could be in an open relationship but she would have freaked out. Also I would hate for her to sleep with someone else. Yes, I see it but I feel this way and I am getting away with it. I am asking you. Would you not?’

‘Does that make sense to you?’ Tarun asked me.  

I am still thinking about it. I wonder though if it is really possible to spice up one’s marital sex life, month after month, year after year – as the lingerie and champagne advertisements claim? I also wonder whether the declaration to one’s partner, when one is in the throes of deep romantic passion, that he/she will be monogamous, can be taken only as an intent at that moment in time?


Maud: "I felt guilty and anxious after the first transgression, but had gotten away with it. I loved my spouse. I did not want to lose her because my body was craving sex with another!" That's just selfishness. You need to take responsability for your actions. If you want to have sex with other people while married,ask for an open relationship or be faithful. You're an adult,act like one. That's completely disrespectful for your wife. You betrayed her in one of the worse ways possible.

Horus: My opinion - there can’t be "one size fits all" kind of solution when it comes to human relationships. It depends not only on the characters involved but also the surrounding they live in. In this case it hugely depends upon mental openness of Tarun's wife, as well as equation they share. The "best" thing would obviously be if he can share it with his wife, unburden himself and at the same time be ready to accept similar or other mistakes of his wife. After all life is all about "give n take". On the other hand if he knows that the consequence of such sharing will be disastrous, he might have to live with the guilt, and may be use that pang to keep him on track he “chose” throughout his life. On a different note, yes, love and sex are linked but they are not the same. So you may rise and fall in your bed room performance, yet score high in love life in marriage. If you can’t spice up your sex life, you can try spicing up your married life, your love life or your monogamous relationship; sooner or later that’s bound to improve your sex too. After all you enjoy time with your same-sex friends to the fullest without having sex with them – right?

Mishy: "Did Tarun cheat because he did not love his wife or care for her? Or because he cheated, is it that he did not love or care for her?" - Neither, in my opinion. Loving or caring for the wife never figured in the equation for Tarun. It was a momentary lapse of reason. Just how 'momentary' it was/continues to be, will probably be defined by the love that Tarun has for his wife. It is easy to fall into the trap of monotony. In my opinion, some people might have affairs, not because one is a 'bad' person, or has fallen out of love, or has simply stopped caring. Sometimes, people miss the sparks that only beginnings can bring. People are drawn to beginnings when everything seems magical. But then again, beginnings don't last endlessly. If they did, Tarun wouldn't find himself in this situation. In my experience, I’ve found myself in situations where I am so very drawn to another human being. But just the thought of betraying a loved one always makes me stop. What I find fascinating is why some others would not be able to find similar checks on their moral compass. That said, my heart goes out to the two of them. I cannot imagine how Tarun might sleep at night. At the same time, my heart breaks for his wife. She deserves to know. What she does with the information is her prerogative. But she deserves to know. I wonder if Tarun might the strength to talk it out with his wife. Would it make a difference to him, knowing that marriages are far more resilient than what one might imagine? They truly are!

Team Bonobology: In some cases, people don't even know their needs aren't being met until someone new comes along and flaunts a new flavor that upsets the apple cart. Many still believe that in 99% of these cases, there still has been some attempt or the feeling of having attempted to voice feelings of unhappiness.


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