Sex and Passion

What men want in the bedroom

Eminent sexologist Dr Paras Shah gives some insight into the differences between how men and women view and approach sex
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There is a common adage that men love for sex, while women have sex for love. The difference in how sex is perceived by both genders is crucial to understanding your partner’s needs and desires. Men are easily straitjacketed as being solely guided by sex or always initiating it, whether their partner wants it or not. While this may be true sometimes, modern men are looking for a complete sexual experience for themselves and their partner. Something that will bring them closer and make their bonds stronger.

There are a few things that a woman can do to help her man be the best he can in the bedroom, and also reciprocate equally. Indian women are raised to consider sex a man’s game and a sexually demanding woman is looked down upon. But that is changing. A lot of the men who come to me feel that they are always the only ones initiating sex. It would be nice if the wife started the foreplay. Men want to see that sense of equality and adventurism in the bedroom. So ladies, don’t be shy in letting your desires show. Take charge and your man will thank you for it!

A couple that is not sexually satisfied may start bickering over other things as well. What’s missing in the bedroom can slowly but surely begin to erode the relationship. If you suddenly see a spike in your man’s irritability and complaining about mundane things, think about how your sexual chemistry is.

Is he feeling like he is able to satisfy you? Are you encouraging of his efforts to ensure you have a good time as well? Remember, he believes he is the provider, even in bed. And that it is his duty to ensure you are happy. So let him know if he is doing a good job.

If there is something he is doing incorrectly or something he is missing out on, you need to let him know. Men are not so adept at taking hints and guessing. It will only leave him frustrated in the end. Keep all channels of communication open and be frank with him. There is no shame in discussing your desires or apprehensions with the man you love. But do it at the right time and in a positive way. Not when he is tired. Or even if the foreplay has begun.

Unless it is something you really need to share, save it for a romantic conversation where both of you can discuss your likes and dislikes, without demeaning the other person. If you are negative, you will only be insulting him and he may lose interest in sex. Also, discuss issues that you know he can work on. Commenting negatively on his body will make him retreat. If you are appreciative of the effort he is making and guide him in the right direction, both of you will have a much better time in bed. This, in turn, will lead to a fulfilling relationship.

A very crucial thing a lot of women forget is to separate the bedroom from the rest of their lives. Don’t bring your everyday problems in there. It is a place to connect with each other and forget about the world. Work, children, in laws, can all be discussed outside the bedroom.

The bed should be for sleeping or lovemaking. For men, it is easy to disconnect their worries from sex. Women need to understand that and not use sex as a tool for punishment. Any quarrels of disagreements should also be either solved or temporarily forgotten. Any couple will have fights, but those should not stop you from loving each other, emotionally and physically.
– Dr. Paras Shah, Chief Sexologist, Gujarat Research & Medical Institute and Director, Sannidhya Institute & Research Center for Sex, Sexuality and  Health.

In the end it’s about being yourself in front of your man and sharing your feelings with him. Make him feel as wanted as he makes you feel. Help him make the experience an amazing one for the both of you. And let sex be a refuge from daily battles of life you two may be fighting, with the world or with each other. Don’t be shy to explore new things or draw the line when need be, as it is a constant learning process for the both of you. A journey that is uniquely for you and the one you love.

(As told to Shahnaaz Khan)

Published in Sex and Passion

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