It has happened to all of us, hasn’t it? You are lying back on the couch with a beer mug perfectly balanced on your round tummy and taking online quizzes to find out exactly what kind of bread you are. But then your partner tells you it’s about time you roll off the couch like the potato you are and go outside. “It’s not healthy,” he tells you. “You need to walk around more. Get some fresh air. Exercise.” Yes, I cringed at that one too. But if there is one thing us lazy people are good at, it’s at making things up to postpone having to get off our ample behind.
So here’s a list of some of the crazy weird things you might have told your partner to get out of having to drag yourself to the nearest gym:
1. “I have a really fast metabolism”
We have all tried this one, haven’t we? And it has never worked, has it? We will try telling our partners that we do not get fat no matter how much we eat. An entire pizza and a cake, for variety, later, you have also tried to convince them that all your clothes keep shrinking in the wash. Yeah, that didn’t quite work. Worth a try, though, wasn’t it?
2. “Wine is a kind of fruit salad”
So we are technically eating healthy and don’t need to exercise, right? Is it just me or has everyone tried to see if this one works? Spoiler alert: it usually doesn’t. Best case scenario: your partner sighs and gives up. The worst one, though, involves them grabbing us by the scruff of our necks and dragging us to the gym as they continue telling us how unfunny we are.
Related reading: 5 lies that a couple tell each other at some point in a relationship
3. “Sunlight hurts my eyes and I have dust allergy”
If you, every time your partner does manage to drag you outside, haven’t pretended to choke on “particles in the air” and reacted to sunlight as if it is burning the living vampire out of you, you need to up your game. Be the damsel in so much distress that the chivalrous knight hidden inside of them immediately decides to transport you back into the house, turn you into a blanket burrito, put your favourite show on and hand you a mug of hot chocolate to calm you down, all the while apologising profusely. Sounds marvellous, don’t you think?
4. “Are you saying I am fat?”
People, it’s time to bring out the big guns. No matter how levelheaded and rational your partner is, this one always seems to work. A lot of us have pretended to be genuinely hurt when our partner asked us to exercise. We have wondered out loud if he really thinks that we are getting fat. In case you are really going in for the kill, exclaim how he doesn’t love you anymore. A sparkling teardrop on one cheek and an Oscar worthy performance later, the dreaded ‘e’-word will have completely escaped their lovely heads and they will be scurrying to comfort you instead. You evil genius, you!
Related reading: Once you know the amount of fun in outdoor sex, you will want it even more
5. “I am protesting against blatant body-shaming everywhere”
Now this one is so bad, it’s actually good. It is also kind of twisted, to be honest. But in case you are comfortable in your own skin, which you definitely should be, this is something you might have tried. True it didn’t sound like much when you told it to your partner while holding your 55th bag of chips. but maybe it was worth a try. You will not convince them with this, but will probably make them give up.
Bonus point: “I have cramps”
Ladies, if you haven’t tried this one, I am seriously disappointed in you. This is the easiest way to confuse your partner. Because uterus for the win. Just for fun, you can have your periods last for a month at a time depending on how clueless your partner is. Unless they are a woman. Then good luck. You will need it.
Honestly, the list can go on forever. Because while we are determined not to let the dreaded treadmill defeat us, our partners are not ones to give up on us that easily either. And each time we tend to get more and more imaginative. After all, desperation is directly proportional to innovation. Or something along those lines. But just in case you do not wish to end up resembling a lumpy sack full of potatoes with wispy hair and creaky joints, you might want to take your lover up on their offer once in a while. Drag them along to share the burden, though, and, hopefully, they will resist suggesting you need exercise ever again.
Published in Humour