When the spouse and their ex plan murder
Twenty-five-year-old Dilshit Jariwala’s murder in Surat in the year 2016 shocked many. The case, which initially seemed to be a robbery-murder case, turned out to be a planned murder, where his wife, with her ex, bumped him off.
Further investigation revealed that Velsee, Dilshit’s wife, and her ex Suketu were in a serious relationship but couldn’t get married due to social issues. The duo parted ways but continued to stay in touch with each other over social media. Soon they discovered that they were both trapped in unhappy marriages. Instead of choosing divorce, they hatched a plan of first killing Dilshit and then Suketu’s wife. However, life had other plans and they got caught red handed.
This Surat murder case is just one of many cases where exes gang up to kill their fiancés or partners. According to Kolkata-based psychologist Paromita Mitra Bhaumik, “If you and your ex are friends then chances are that you were never in love or are still in love under the garb of being ‘just friends’. Gauging the reality is the biggest challenge in such cases.”
Related reading:Don’t text your ex – Messaging is the easiest trap to fall into!
Why are breakups difficult?
According to Jaipur-base psychotherapist Dr Anamika Papriwal, “Breakups are difficult when relationships are committed, when the partners are so involved that one’s presence soothes the other, but they have to part ways, as in this case. Unrequited love and no proper closure to the previous relation make it difficult for people to move on. Hence, later in life when their paths cross, they rekindle their love stories.”
She added, “Actually, the love relation of today is not very deep. Breakups and patch-ups are a norm today. Hence, there is a tendency of people going back to their ex, unlike yesteryears, where a breakup meant closure.”
Most mental health experts feel that the fact that today, youngsters refrain from terminating the connection with their ex, makes them get back to them when things are no longer smooth in their present relationship. “And they remain trapped in this cycle and often end up doing that they regret later, as in that Surat murder case,” said Dr Papriwal.
Related reading: Is it fine to still be friends on social media after a breakup?
Counselling and psychotherapy are the key
Most psychiatrists maintain that when a person is stepping into another relationship or starting their life afresh after termination of another relationship, they need to undergo counselling or psychotherapy. “Today 90 per cent of youth are involved with their exes. To make them close one door before proceeding to another door, parents should encourage their kids to undergo counselling sessions, where they can be taught on how to detach themselves from their ex and how to give their best in the new relationship,” said Dr Papriwal.
She maintained that when a relationship is terminated after a complete introspection, then the chances of going back are fewer. “Most times in India the couple are forced to part ways or they themselves terminate in a fit of rage, only to regret later. It is this regret, this sense of losing your former beloved, that makes you go back. Proper counselling helps in a big way,” she added.
Related reading: What are your legal options when breakup leads to revenge porn?
What to do before a new relationship
Dr Papriwal had some pointers for girls and boys getting married after a breakup:
- Maintain a good communication with your partner. Be honest. If you had a relationship that you have terminated, confide in your partner. It helps in cementing your relationship. Hiding will always lead to telling lies.
- Be open about your past relation. Always share the details with your new partner. If you were in a physical relationship with your ex, confide in your partner. They need to know the truth.
- If you are marrying someone under pressure, then you should go for pre-marital counselling or psycho-therapeutic counselling. It will help you close the door which may lead you to your past relation.
- Parents who are aware of the fact that their kid was in a relationship before the marriage also need to go for counselling sessions.
- Never compare your present partner with your ex, when you have had a fight. It’s human to think well of something that you miss. Such comparisons will only worsen your situation and will make you go back to the person with whom you had snapped ties.
- Snap ties with your ex. Make sure that you are not in touch with them even on social media or Facebook. Browsing through their profiles, updates and photographs will make you pine and regret. This, in turn, will make you run back to your ex.