When I love, I love with such intensity that even Rumi would beg the divine to let him return to write about it.
That chemical reaction of happiness made us rush out, find wedding bands and book a date with the registrar.
I was drunk on love, the excess endorphins. I felt so much emotion that it made me overlook the flaws that hovered like a dark cloud. Those issues were things that ‘we could work out’.
Everything felt right; my heart was the cup that had run over. We went home each night, fuelled our affair with passionate lovemaking a few times and each day we spent together seemed new, just so right.
As the days drew closer to the big day, we had to change the date. The funny thing is, that when this happened, I believed it was for a reason beyond my understanding. The wedding bands were resized and we slipped them on to get used to them.
Then we hit a hurdle; I spent that night wondering what happened; did I forget an anniversary? Did I not say ‘I love you’ enough that day? But I knew something was up; he disappeared with his best friend (who I despise) and others, and didn’t return home and slept over somewhere. It doesn’t matter where, so long as it was a bed with BFF.
Related reading: What is the Price of Falling in Love?
My rage meter is biblical in proportion, but I remained silent, because he said he just needed to let go, blow off steam and that I was one of those ‘elements’.
I knew there would always be issues, but nothing we couldn’t overcome with a bit of patience and talking it out, right?
The problem: my partner and his BFF are in love with each other but never acted upon it. My love for him was so great that I ignored this truth as for as long as I could. Maybe I could have space for his best friend in his life.
My wedding band started to burn, the sensation was too much. I felt like Frodo from that moment on. I removed the band, chucked it back in its box, shoving it to the furthest corner of the safe.
I promised myself I would not place that ring back on my finger until I KNEW we were good. It appeared his BFF was not negotiable, nor was I to ever assume that their relationship was more than it seemed.
I eventually realised I could not bear this three-way love affair. I spent the good part of a lazy Sunday on my own, just taking in everything, then I called it quits. I loved LOVE so much that I almost let myself believe that I could make space for BFF in our lives.
“I’m not going to fight with you, I’ve learnt valuable lessons from my past. I know for a fact that this problem will never go away and I think I’m not cut out for a battle constantly over the same issue, of your relationship with ‘F’, and I’m gonna call it quits. I’d rather stick to being on my own, dealing with my life and my demons and not intrude on what you have already. I wish you the best with your future and I do mean that genuinely and you take care of yourself. I don’t regret anything we shared, but only that we didn’t meet sooner, before you fell in love with him (which you will deny anyway).”
I didn’t bawl my eyes out afterwards. I went to the safe and took out the wedding ring, slipped it on and felt that burn yet again. I just smiled and returned the ring to its box where it will remain permanently – unmarried.
I’m a gay man in love with three men – for a seeker there is love everywhere!
I don’t know how my life will end because I’m Muslim and gay
