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Acquiesce…

Trees on mountain at sunset

I remember the first day we met, it was October 9th 2013, the best day of my life! Around a month before this ( September 2013) a little bit of the truth about how I was harassed had come out. I was still in pain, back then, but I couldn’t tell anyone. I was attending a research methodology workshop and by the afternoon we both ended up in the same discussion group. You flashed me that beautiful smile and well that kinda healed a little bit of my pain, but there was still frustration seething in me.

The first time we talked, I remember every word, every expression of your’s. I hated waking up in the morning back then, but that night I looked forward to getting up early the next day. Well I tried to get up early, but then I couldn’t…I hurried to the research methodology workshop, hoping to see you again… I actually skipped a proper breakfast and just ate two chocolate bars in the morning . I remember promising myself, to never fall in love, till the truth about me being harassed, in an organised manner has come out. By then a part of the truth was out, but I was a blighted soul who was wallowing in pain. I over heard your conversation with your friends, and realized that you like me too….I read your body language, & realized that you were a simple innocent girl…

All along I had only used body language to steer clear of danger & disprove the rumors about me…Never knew that my knowledge of body language would make me fall so badly in love with you…Each time I saw you, I was getting all the more attracted to you. That afternoon, I remember looking at you, & telling myself ‘I’m in love & I don’t know what to do!’…Music, oh! how it speaks to my soul!! The song lines in my head were-“And I don’t want the world to see me, cos I don’t think that they’d understand..When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..” 

The rivulets of pain running through my soul, were slowly drying up…That day I talked to you, before you left for your room. You looked back at me, & smiled. That smile is something I’ll never forget. It was tattooed on my soul for good. In my mind I thought-‘I’ll get over my frustrations, my inadequacies & then propose to that girl..she’s the best person I’ve ever seen!!’…Little by little I started smiling, singing songs, writing stuff, & living again. I had given myself 2 years’ time to become better and then propose to you. That weekend I ran into you and your friends  at the Indian Coffee House branch in the college. I decided to eat from there, from then on. I talked to you a couple of times more, with each interaction, I was falling deeper & deeper in love with you. I love the smile you had on your face, each time we interacted. I didn’t want to intimidate you in anyway.

After a couple of weeks I asked you for your number and you bluntly declined… That was unexpected and it hurt quite a bit. But then you would indirectly take away my pain and it felt alright in no time(it felt great to be healed by you!!). After a couple of weeks, I decided that I’d try again, to get through to you. I’d reach Indian Coffee House at around 8 am, just to see you pass by. There were days when I could see pain on your face and I used to feel hurt myself…Things were going on like this, when I attended a talk by a spiritual guru, & he said something really profound-‘The truth doesn’t change from one moment to the next!’

I decided that I won’t wait 2 years to propose to you, I decided to do it at the earliest. I proposed to you the very next day. You said ‘No, no please!!’, but if all the months spent in learning body language had taught me one thing it was that you actually meant yes. I’d walk past your hostel as often as I could & you would try to heal my pain, but then again doubt was welling up inside of me. Deep inside I could feel how much you loved me, but I couldn’t understand why you don’t officially tell me. I almost broke down each time I heard rumors that you already had got married. I refused to believe them, & kept trying to get through to you, but I failed miserably.

Our future conversations ended negatively almost always. Around March 2016, you cried in front of me, & tried to tell me that you didn’t like me. I couldn’t control myself, for those two minutes. Each tear that you shed was tearing me apart. I could make out that you were lying, but couldn’t make out why. I have to admit that each time you ever hurt me, you indirectly healed me, but this time around when I saw you crying, the hurt was too much to take…I went to religious places, but never prayed for getting married. Instead I prayed to God to help me expose what organized harassment is. For more than a year I tried to forget you, but I couldn’t (I tried writing/singing/brainwashing & what not!!).

By July 2017, almost all the truth about me being organisedly harassed came out( I’m grateful to my Sadhguru Sai for that!!) The first thing that happened after the truth coming out is that my mind got flooded with your thoughts, your smile, your laughter….I still believe you’re the one, & I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I’m holding on based on ‘indirect evidence of your love’, & gut feelings, but you’re more than worth it…

Song lines in my head now are-“Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you…Please forgive me, I know not what to do..”

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