(As told to Sourish Samanta)
He was my best friend but I couldn’t admit I loved him
The norms were quite simple for me, like for any other boy of my age. The school was somewhat bearable mostly because I had my best friend Raj. He was the starboy of my life and I would like to stress that he “was”, since I had to cut him off for an unfortunate reason.
I never really realised that I actually like him. Even though it was always there in front of my eyes, I could conveniently forget it because of norms. And Raj was one of those conforming kinds of people and I wouldn’t blame him, because he was young and so was I. There was always this weird sexual tension between us and Raj would sometimes do things which were conventionally provoking. I felt like it would be a nice change if I made a move and I did because I couldn’t resist anymore. He seemed okay with it, but we kind of drifted apart after we got into different colleges.
Related reading:Incredible story of a teacher who was funny, dirty and gay
The love for Raj was still there but I found the perfect girl for myself
Yes, I found the perfect girl for me whom I started dating and it was going very well. She was everything one could ever ask for as a partner. By that time, I came to terms with the fact that I was bisexual. Even though it felt like I still had an affinity towards Raj, I could suppress that part. I really loved my girl, but I couldn’t tell her that I am a bi, mostly because she would misunderstand me.
I really loved my girl, but I couldn’t tell her that I am a bi, mostly because she would misunderstand me.
Bisexuals are mostly misunderstood and they receive a lot of flak for swinging both ways.
The heteronormative conditioning can be very toxic and the moment it doesn’t fit into that frame, people start spewing all sorts of bs without even knowing what it is.
I was “woke” enough for a college kid, but not brave enough to do it my way and explain my sexuality because I didn’t feel like I really had to get a “cis-het” validate me by saying “Hey, I support you and your group you know”. So, my girlfriend had no clue whatsoever and I never thought it to be an important part that needed discussion because I would feel sad if she freaked out about it. I was completely wrong. I could have easily had the talk earlier but I didn’t. The lack of communication led to a situation which was dire in a sense that I messed up my relationship. I really loved my girl but something happened for which she could never forgive me.
Related reading: I dated women for years before publicly coming out as gay
Eventually, Raj happened
So, I met Raj just before my end semester started. I met him while on a date with my girlfriend. He looked very attractive and that moment kind of reprised all my old feelings for him. We decided to catch up later and I could already feel that it was a bad idea. My girlfriend had to leave because of her curfew and so Raj decided to come to my place and catch up. I could have just asked him not to, but I agreed. We came back to my rented place and started to talk about our school days.
For a moment, all I could think of was Raj and how he talked so beautifully. It felt so wrong, not because he was a boy, but I already promised to be with my girlfriend and believe me, I really did love my girlfriend. While talking with Raj, things escalated and we both knew what’s going to happen and we couldn’t resist. I was distracted to the point where I even forgot to lock my door and my girlfriend walked in on us because she came back to grab a couple of notes that she had left earlier. She saw us and broke down crying. Raj left immediately and I felt so sick. I knew that I was wrong, not because of my sexuality, but I was unfaithful.
I knew that I was wrong, not because of my sexuality, but I was unfaithful.
She left, so did Raj.
I will no longer hide my bisexuality
I was wrong and I knew it. The guilt ate me up each day as I realised how I cheated on my girlfriend. Later she did reconnect and we talked, where I told her everything, she understood, but accepted my apology. We decided not to talk again, but she said that she would have loved me even if she knew that I was bisexual. Conversations are a key factor in any relationship. I am still finding myself and maybe I will find what I am looking for, but till then I would never hide the fact that I am bisexual and won’t tolerate all the prejudices that makes it difficult for bisexual men like me.