‘“You don’t say I am beautiful anymore. You are not romantic these days. This doesn’t feel good. All that you want is sex and my feelings don’t matter. You are self-centred,” said my wife as she walked off and henceforth declared a bedroom war on me.’ This is how Rajesh began his conversation about his marital discord with wife Saji.
This anecdote was a different take on a marital dispute. The couple has nothing visibly wrong in their married life. Both work in the IT sector and both of them come back home and do the chores together. What isn’t ticking in their marriage is their sex timing, because of which an otherwise wonderful life is slipping out of their hands.
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Scheduled versus spontaneous sex
She likes their sex to be scheduled, while he likes it spontaneous, and they aren’t able to find a middle road. Saji likes to be aptly dressed for the night and in the mood, while he would find it erotic to see her atta laden hands and drag her to bed. She accused him of always thinking of sex and not waiting for dinner to be done. According to him, cooking, cleaning, bathing and then hopping to bed would take another 2-3 hours, which wouldn’t hold his patience he says. He was intrigued as to why she wouldn’t just join in the passion.
To him sex is a great stress release at the end of the day and the way he connected with his wife. But their sex life always ended up in dissatisfaction and fights. Saji preferred a well-planned and scheduled sex life every time, she liked to look good and smell good. She has special negligees, music and aromatic candles awaiting the occasion. She is also willing to go out of the way to create that setting, but fails to understand and co-operate with his spontaneity.
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No surprises please
She didn’t want unplanned surprises. Rajesh was the instant, anywhere and anytime types. According to Rajesh, she had a sex timetable and things have to go accordingly; the time of the day and timing has to follow the timetable. “No matter how much I try, I slip on the regularity front. I did try to schedule, but we both work, so technically we have a very small window of opportunity for sex before we fall asleep, so scheduling doesn’t fit into our schedule,” confessed Rajesh
Now it has reached a point that in order to avoid confrontation, Rajesh just doesn’t initiate sex and leaves it to her. But then the scheduling hardly happens and they have a lacklustre life. “There should be a balance between scheduled and spontaneous, I know. Planning sex is already a built-in turnoff for me. In spontaneity there is an attraction, energy builds up and leads to an unplanned passion. This is natural and fun, and surprises are always welcomed in gifts so why plan this one?” is Rajesh’s question.
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How to reach a balance?
This difference of opinion is putting a lot of pressure on the couple as they weigh up their options. “I guess I will have to go by a schedule so that we ease the pressure, and she will have to begin to accept some scheduled spontaneity,” was his suggestion. But how will they make it practical?
In most relationships, there is difference of opinion about sex and its timings. Also, one partner will have more sex drive than the other. It is immaterial who has more drive, but some compromise has to be made with regard to timing and frequency. Ideally, the couple should have more sex than the lower drive spouse needs and less than the higher drive spouse wants. An understanding of building in scheduled spontaneity in this case would also be ideal. This mean some sex will have to be maintenance sex to keep life smooth. This would need considerable understanding and efforts from both the partners. When one can schedule dinner dates and movies, why not sex life also?