Counselling

My boyfriend has gone back to his ex

Woman in Farm

Q: My boyfriend had a relationship for 7 years before she cheated on him with another guy. Then they broke up in 2014 and we met this February and started dating in July. I knew that they were in contact because he told me, but I trusted him. In October he told me that he still has feelings for his ex. The guy who assured me that he is never looking back left me. What hurt me most was we were talking about marriage in the near future and come what may, he said that we would stick together. He moved on a few days after this.

Previously he never shared his personal life on social media, but now he’s started to change his DP constantly with his ex’s picture. He blocked me on Facebook and deleted my number. Now after about two weeks he called me and said things that made me think. He said he had to block me on social media, that life has been unfair to him, and he broke down when he heard my voice. He hasn’t been able to face me before now. I too avoid him, as that is easier for me.

Related reading: Can we be Friends with our Exes?

Was I the rebound? Is there any chance for us to get back together?

A: From the description you have provided me, it seems you might have been a rebound. Since I don’t know your boyfriend, I am going to reserve my judgement about the intentionality of his actions. Almost all of us, at some point or the other, will be or have a rebound story of our own. We don’t necessarily start a fresh relationship after a breakup, thinking that we want to be malicious towards someone. However, despite our best intentions our lack of self-awareness ends up creating challenging situations for both the parties involved.

None of the above is to say that we are sure he did not value you in the time he was with you. It is just that the ties of his past were stronger than the intimacy he could build with you. This does not mean anything about you as a person. At one point or the other we all make hasty decisions and sometimes those decisions, no matter how well intentioned, end hurting others and ourselves for two main reasons; life has very hazy and blurry lines and categories, and virtually no one gives us skills to navigate through these complicated areas of life and relationships.

In this case, I would highly advise to turn this emotionally challenging time into a tool for wisdom and move on with the next chapter of your life.

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