Can’t live without my lover but my abusive husband is mending his ways and wants me back

sad sexy woman thinking

Dear Ma’am,

I have been married for a year now. Things have never been fine from the days of our courtship. For the sake of society the marriage happened but later I got to know that he did not like me and expected a better wife. I felt broken and exhausted and was helpless.

I went through mental harassment too and was in an abusive relationship for almost six months. Later I found love from a person whom I had a crush on before my marriage. We had continued friendship. Then we fell in love. We are deeply and emotionally connected with each other.

He is my soulmate and I can’t imagine my life without him. But now my husband has completely changed. Since the past three months he wants to get back to me. He is showing his love, but my heart has fallen for the other person. I am unable to get back to my husband.

My lover and I love each other madly. It is a very deep love which I can’t give up on.

In all of this situation, our family members want my sister-in-law to marry my brother. They also like each other now. I really don’t know what to do.

Kavita Panyam says:

Dear lady,

You have mentioned that you were unsure of this relationship right from your courtship days. Pre-wedding jitters are felt by most people which is a stage where the association is dissected many times over in order to ascertain the decision being correct or otherwise. Having said that, if you had genuine reasons to believe you were not suited for each other, you should have opted out of this right then.

Talk with your husband: One year has passed by and you mention six months out of this to be abusive. You were told that your husband had desired a better wife which hit your self-esteem and self-worth. Did you try to talk this out with your husband? Hearing stories and forming conclusions is as good as asking your neighbour to decide your next course of action. It does not work this way. Before forming opinions you may talk with your husband and only then come to some conclusion.

Rebound: As your self-worth and self-esteem were low, you found solace in someone else and the fact that he has been your earlier crush made things easier for you. You do realise that this may be on the rebound? Most people mistake attachments for love. You have not mentioned your lover’s marital status in your communication. Is he willing to marry you?

Living together is quite different from meeting clandestinely: There have been cases where spouses have found “love” elsewhere, left them, only to realise they want to get back with them. Just because your immediate needs are being met elsewhere does not indicate this relationship to be fault free. Please remember that no one is perfect. Also, living together is quite different from meeting clandestinely. When you live together, you are exposed to each other’s true nature and ways of life. This is when differences may crop up. What would you do if you find yourself in a similar situation with this person too?

Think about the following:

Oftentimes, one looks for relief elsewhere which may in most cases be temporary. You say your husband is changing himself for the better and wants you back. The first two years of every marriage may be turbulent as two people need to adjust to each other and make a place in each other’s families as well. As they adjust and adapt, things do look up. Are you willing to wait it out before calling it curtains right away?

Clandestine affairs weave a touch of mystery and excitement, which may be a reason for your addiction. Lovers enmeshed in such affairs usually feel this to be once in a lifetime kind of a thing.The high you experience with this person may not feel the same as when you are with your husband. But then both are totally different situations.

Why don’t you have a candid talk with your husband before you take the final call? Who knows, you might be surprised with a greater love. The choice and the decision are finally, yours.

Good luck,

Kavita Panyam

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