Conditions apply: On what women want in bed and why

In Greek writer Aristophanes’ play Lysistrata, the women set down relationship rules for their men who were constantly at war. Well, more than rules it was an ultimatum – to withhold all sexual privileges from men until they stopped the Peloponnesian War and found a strategy that involved peace.

The play, full of double entendre, sets many precedents in 411 BC Athens including being a commentary on sexual relations in Greece of that time – a time where it was a largely male-dominated society.

While the play was a social satire, it reminded me of how we need to write some rules again. In this increasingly materialistic world, one has to speak the language of the ‘other’ to get that fleeting moment of attention…That small gap in a man’s consciousness when he is actually listening and not just nodding at every word a woman says.

I have a pathetic habit of writing sporadic love emails to my husband when he is working at his office just to tell him sometimes how much I miss him. Sweet? Not really. More often than not, he returns home without reading a word of it citing excuses of a work meeting, a very important call or even ‘I see you at home, right? Why don’t we talk while I catch up on my mindless TV.’

But the one thing he never misses is an email that is remotely to do with investments he has made. Apart from sports, that’s the one thing they don’t miss. It’s true for most men.

And so I decided to masquerade a seemingly innocent investment email into a basic rulebook for men, in general. No, I am not on a glorified agenda of stopping the war in the world. I am on a personal agenda of making love.

Disclaimer – This one is not an ultimatum. It’s more like a guidebook for 2016 on what women want (especially in bed) and how do they want it.

Dear Investor,

Thank you for your continued faith in our assets…ahem…asset allocation funds. While we appreciate your sustained interest, here are some basic guidelines to manoeuvre your way through ‘asset performance.’

Let me state at the outset- Foreplay is essential. Did I just say foreplay? I meant foreseeing the risks of quick entry and a quick exit.

Quick exits on your part may lead to falling in interest rates over some time and returns would be in the form of silent, cold treatment over candlelight dinners; repeated responses of ‘fine’ over every question asked and in some cases, a missed aim of a dinner plate that finds your head instead of the sink.

Related reading: Why it’s OK to watch porn after marriage

Take your time. There is no need to rush until you hear us snoring at the other end. Then it’s time to move.

I sincerely would like to emphasise the importance of positioning your funds in our assets. Seriously it’s not Jantar Mantar where you lose your way. It’s also not Abhinav Bindra’s gold quest in the Olympics where you just aim and shoot. And no, we don’t want to guide you with a manual because it’s not one for all.

But do remain invested in the assets because sustained loyalty may lead to magical returns like the discovery of that elusive Holy Grail, the very debatable G-spot where you can finally hoist your flag.

Let me also warn you about the risk of premature withdrawal. Come on, we don’t need to explain that, do we? Why would you leave a well-performing fund before it’s able to give you requisite returns? Duh! Even a five-year-old get that logic. After all, he breaks open the piggy bank only when it’s full.

Related reading: No means NO! Why men can’t take ‘NO’ in bed

Let’s just call it the mutual interest fund. That way, this one is more in your favour than ours. See, we do like to think about you once in a while.

And of course, it’s needless to advise you about reviewing fund performance through after play. Yes. It’s important.

Once you are done coming and going, we need you to stay. Hold, cuddle, talk (or not).  Do not treat us like you would your day trading account, where you make a quick entry in stock and a quick exit once you have made quick money.

Believe us, when it comes to relationships and money, long term is always the smarter choice. So stay and hold on to that hand after we have both come and gone. We can doze off to sleep together.

And I cannot state enough the importance of reading the fine print* because that’s exactly where real information lies.

Warm Regards

Manager, Customer Experience

* Conditions Apply.