Is it a crime if I don’t let my man cheat but still desire someone else?

aishwarya in ae dil hai mushkil

Always the double standards! It is a crime when someone else commits it, but is okay when you do it yourself? Okay, let us reread the title and understand what it said. Is it okay if you are intolerant towards your unfaithful spouse, but find it acceptable and exciting to be attracted to somebody else? This is the battle between an act committed and the act being thought of. This particular problem can be both contested and justified, so I shall bring to the table both the arguments and help you see the complexity of it. Thereon, choose your side.

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For the motion:

We are, as a popular meme claims, cucumbers with anxiety. I would like to amend it a wee bit and say that we are cucumbers with hormones and anxiety. It is the truth and you can deny it all you want, but going seven times around the fire (or other cultural equivalents) does not put a chastity belt on the libido. It sure affects your superego that censures your activity, but your hormones will celebrate Diwali every time you see Tom Hiddleston smile or Nigella Lawson knead dough! It is natural and healthy to feel attraction, but the promise of fidelity stands guard to your action. If beyond the laws of holy matrimony you both have signed the secret pact of polygamy, then, my friends, you are on your own and I question you for reading this article. But for those that have verbally or by implication bound each other to monogamy and fidelity, it is a difficult bridge to cross. You still get attracted to other people and you do not share that detail with each other; which is perfectly fine. Marriage does not nullify the right to personal space, despite popular belief. But if you have consciously made a move and committed to your sexual desire to another person outside your matrimony, your spouse has every right to bring you to the judgement table. The promise of monogamy is not to be physically involved with more than one person, and breaching that amounts to being unfaithful. So even if you have felt attracted to another person and enjoyed the idea of it, it is in no way equal to your spouse’s act of infidelity.

Lady thinking of someone
The promise of monogamy

Related reading: Signs that you are headed for a ‘forever’ kind of relationship

Against the motion:

Honestly, this motion is feebler than the previous one. But you must understand that the exact words that I am looking to go against in this argument are ‘cannot accept’. This opens the same way the previous motion did: we are comprised of a jumble of emotions, water and hormones. You must recognise yourself in the light of truth before you pass a rash judgement against your spouse. If you have come to know or he himself has confessed the act then you must take a moment away from the emotions of deceit, contempt and for some people need-for-castration, and understand the situation from a more impersonal point of view. Two people can and will be attracted to each other, because our bodies are governed by nature and not social norms. It is our superego that stops us from committing acts that go against the dictum, the law of the people. But is a lapse enough to break off everything that two people have in a marriage? A marriage is based on trust, yes; so is it made of mistakes, forgiveness and learning. Try to understand how you have been attracted to someone and enjoyed it but due to your behavioural pattern it never amounted to anything. Your spouse, on the other hand, gave in to his libido and went against the code of marital conduct, and most importantly, the bond of trust between you two. You must confront him and find out where he stands regarding the cheating and if was a lapse or the start of another relationship. The mistake we often make is to judge before we look in the mirror and understand the issue in a holistic manner. Before society butts in with its nose for scandal, find your own way of finding peace.

Couple discussing something
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