It was a chilly winter afternoon back in 1998 – when things were different and Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai was considered as a biggie. I was in my eighth grade and just got a room of my own after my grandmother departed. Sounding a bit too chirpy? Well, in a joint family of 23 members, getting a room of your is a big leap from masturbating secretly in my wee little bed in the corner of my parents’ room.
The crush I had
I was growing up in my own world surrounded by Oscar Wilde and Coke and wrote shitty poetry about rejections and heartbreak. I had this huge crush on this girl. (And still do). I almost counted the number of times she used to look at me, in a day.
Related reading: When I found my teenage crush on social media
The boy who was my rival
Then there was this boy. Much better looking (or just as good looking as I am, no competition) and more confident than I was. Wow, the way he spoke! I speak much better than him now (stupid IT engineer working for an MNC, travelling the world whilst I am…still a loser fuck, who speaks better English and reads Literature)… but that was then. Good old 1998!
So, what was meant to happen…happened. Those two became a couple and my heart broke, without anyone noticing. The separate room worked, as I could now hide my sorrows without anyone prying. I stared at the ceiling and thought that it would have been better off if I were a girl.
Related reading: We were best friends who fell in love with the same guy
Suppose I’d been a girl?
I started having this odd feeling. Goosebumps came and went as I started to imagine how things would be if I were a girl. I scribbled down a few names. Made girly voices and giggled.
Then it happened. On that chilly winter afternoon in the school loo. I found a senior staring at me a bit too oddly. I thought he was just pottering around, without any intention of going back to the class.
This guy made his move
So, as I was trying to go out, he grabbed me by the arm. The rest is history. Not documented history though…thankfully 😉
He said that my lips, eyes and legs are sexy. The best compliment ever! Much better than winning the school essay competition. Who cares about that? My dream girl didn’t! She and the handsome guy ignored me, made me feel unwanted and even though I had feelings for both of them, they fell in love with each other instead. But I felt wanted with that senior guy for the first time.
So, I became a girl instead. I started acting and talking like a girl behind closed doors and during secret meetings. I started meeting him in dingy little places and he was muscular, manly, ugly and tall – my most desirable combo. He gave me attention and I didn’t feel ugly anymore.
The thing lasted for few months. Then something else happened. But to know that, you must keep reading the story of the white sparrow. (Coming to this space soon…)