I have never shared a close relationship with my dad. Maybe because I never spent the time that I should have with him. My elder sister was a daddy’s daughter in every aspect.
We have had several moments together but whenever it came to papa, I somehow found myself disassociated with him. My mother often tells me that I was extremely close to him when I was very young. Maybe, but I have no memories of them whatsoever to be honest.
In comparison, I have spent so much time with my mother. Before marriage, I would be with mum after work helping her in the kitchen or both of us discussing womanly stuff.
But yes, I have shared things with my Papa too. He knew me well as much as he knew his other children. But I was never known as papa’s girl. It was my elder sister who held the title. I was always known & I am still known as my mother’s living clone. Perhaps, because I look almost exactly like her & have inherited a lot of characteristics & traits from her, prompts people to call us twin sisters rather than a mother-daughter.
I lost my father in March end. It was a sudden demise. Dad never suffered from any illness or anything. As a doctor cum surgeon, he was supremely fit & agile. Since I was pregnant (I am in my last stage of pregnancy at the time of writing this post) at that time, I wasn’t told about his demise.
I was just told that he is ill even as I & my husband took my gynaecologist’s permission to fly down to my parents home in Delhi. As we landed in Delhi, I was still kept in dark about his untimely departure. I was taken to my mother’s sister’s place where I was given mild sedatives & put to sleep. Whenever I would ask about why I am here, I was diverted from the topic. If I asked about Papa, I was told he has been admitted in hospital but nothing serious.
It was only after his last rites were performed, I was told that he has left for his heavenly abode. I was devastated but controlled my emotions a great deal because I was pregnant.
I always rued the fact that I couldn’t tell him how much I loved him or how much he meant to me.
The other night, between 2:30-3:00 am, I started feeling breathless even as I decided to wake up my mum. I was just about to turn towards her just as I saw my father sitting in front of me.
He sat down next to me & started stroking my head. I couldn’t believe my eyes! Was it really my father? Was I dreaming or imagining? I could actually feel his touch. I couldn’t control myself & broke down in tears. He just smiled at me & continued stroking my head.
Then he put my head on his lap gently & started stroking my back. All this while I continued sobbing. I kept telling him that I couldn’t be a good daughter & asked him to forgive me.
After a while, he held my face & kissed me on my forehead. He then asked me not to cry & said that I had always been a good daughter to him & he has no complaints against me whatsoever. He also said that he is proud of me even as he blessed me & my babies.
The next thing I remember is getting up from my sleep. I just sat for a few minutes trying to recollect those moments that I had spent with Papa a few hours ago.
I don’t know if this was a dream or it happened in real. All I know is that finally I have done what I failed to do earlier – become a daddy’s girl!