(As told to Joie Bose)
I don’t know why you don’t trust me. Why is it that every man I talk to is a prospective usurper of your seat? That every action of mine is viewed as being something more than what it is? Why do you think I hide things from you?
Why are you so insecure of my love for you? And if you are insecure, instead of fighting with me, why don’t you douse me with your love so much that you will be sure that no one will be able to take your place? Every time you say a mean word, every time you push me away, you hurt me. And I keep that hurt in my heart. A fight and make up will never take that away. The hurt builds up, like a tower. And inside that tower I stay. And it’s from inside that tower I fight and say mean words that feel like stones being pelted at you. Words that seem like bullets.
Related reading: 8 ways to fight respectfully with your spouse
Remember the last time when my girlfriend had called? She was speaking to me in a male voice. It was a game we were playing. And you thought it was a boy! And you asked me who it was and I said her name and you said I lied. I didn’t lie. You wanted to see my call log. I didn’t show it to you. Do you know why I didn’t show it to you? I didn’t show it because I wanted you to trust me. I wanted you to trust me because I knew I wasn’t wrong. If I were ever guilty, I’d choose to prove to you every incident where I wasn’t guilty. As if those few non-guilty moments would erase all the moments when I had been guilty. But I’m not guilty of adultery.
I don’t have to clear every misunderstanding that you might harbour. I know that no one can ever take your place in my life. That is enough for me. And that should be enough for you. Our chemistry is crazy. Even our fights are so passionate that at times when we have differences I choose to fight than remain silent.
And when I say I’ll divorce you, it’s the last thing I want to do. I say that because I am hurt and some sort of sadistic pleasure makes me say this and be more hurt. At that time all I want you to do, is repeat the oath of forevermore to me.
I’ve left my parents’ home for you. I left my surname for you. I’ve left my virginity for you. And I’ve left my identity to become your wife. My sacrifice will not be in vain if you value the worth of my sacrifice. So before you feel insecure, think of all that I have done for you. And I did it all with love. I do it all for love. And I shall continue to do all that for love.
Don’t doubt me, dear. Don’t ever doubt my love. I married a lover, not a detective who is out to sniff out mysteries all the time. I’m not a thief. Not a criminal. And when you view me like that all the time, it hurts me so much. At times I wonder if the only reason why you had married me for was to hurt me. To get a punching bag. I’ve spoken to my girlfriends and they all say the same. Does the designation of a husband come with this responsibility?
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If you love me with your heart, you will trust me. The moment the love wavers, trust issues crop in. I wonder why the love has started diminishing… Did you ever once think about it? Take some time out. Think. Love me back with that entirety. I’m here. Waiting. For a realm where there are no tears for me. Hoping you will cross the bridge and come over soon.