Keep your sanity
I’m a polyamorous bisexual woman and things I hear from single cisgender straight women desperate for boyfriends makes me want to question their common sense and feminism. Confused by all the terms? In simple language, I date both men and woman and I’m in multiple relationships at a time. The women who I’m referring to a ‘normal’ include women who date only men and are serial monogamists. For them I am problematic: they think that I’ve got it easy. Even Woody Allen in one of his films said about bisexuals that we have more options on a Friday night.
So I’m showered with weird comments and sometimes they are even offensive. One thing that I’m tired of hearing is, “If only I had the choice of liking girls, my life would have been perfect.” Well, girls, it’s not a choice: I’m born this way. Another is “You are so lucky no commitments, no issues.” Again, it’s exactly the opposite: multiple relationships require more commitment and a very delicate balancing.
But let’s not keep comparing. Years of helping my girls taught me some things: from being their wing person to holding their hair back while they puke: I understood that girls need a support system rather than an unachievable perfect angel of a boyfriend. Between boyfriends and even during, this support system can help you keep your sanity. Here’s what I learned, hope this helps.
Don’t put all your eggs in the same basket
I don’t mean your literal eggs or your ticking biological clock, so calm down. What I’m saying is simple: Don’t make your ideal boyfriend the focus of all your aspirations and expectations. That candlelight dinner, that romantic film, that wine tasting in the countryside, that vacation to the mountains and so on – all the things that you want to do only with your boyfriend. Don’t you think it’s just too much pressure? You do have friends, try and have some fun with them and embark on adventures you always wanted. Maybe then you would have something to talk about on your next date with a man.
You need a support system
Whether it’s the breakup blues or a wardrobe malfunction, you need a support system of the network of friends who would drop everything and come to your rescue. You don’t need a boyfriend for that. All you need to do is to be there for them too. If you are the kind of girl who disappears on your friends as soon as you get a boyfriend, then you won’t have a tribe when you are all alone. Believe me, life is so beautiful with friends around who make you believe that you can handle anything. All you need to do is be there for them, too.
Read more: 5 confessions of people who had revenge sex
Get a life
Don’t wait for your fairy tale. Don’t spend your life in a waiting room till the next man. Make a life of your own. Pick up a hobby and enjoy it with friends. Go on a holiday and live your dreams. Also spend some time with your family. Don’t miss out on these in desperation to create a family of your own. I have to believe that we are past the time when a marriage is the only thing that gave a woman’s life any meaning. Your boyfriend can be part of that journey for self-realisation but don’t make him the journey.
It is easier said than done. We all function under peer pressure; we change and reconfigure ourselves to fit in, be ‘normal’. We compromise on our style to flow with the fashion. In doing so, we lose our uniqueness and become a face in the crowd. Don’t lose yourself in search of a relationship. Watch the film ‘Runaway Bride’ and you will understand that changing yourself to be what your boyfriend wants never really pays off.
Don’t save the date
Don’t start planning for your wedding after the first date. While some relationships last forever, some come with an expiry date. Don’t hang on to your relationship like an old torn coat just because you need a boyfriend in your life. If your relationship can’t be a source for your strength and happiness, then it is better to terminate it. Don’t hold on to something that was never yours. Dissatisfaction in your relationship can affect all aspects of your life. So move on when it is necessary and you will find love that you deserve.
If you don’t value yourself, it would be difficult for others to value you, either. Maintain sanity while looking for a partner, because while they are important, they are not everything that matters about you.