I had a one night stand three weeks ago at a work trip. I feel horrible about it and want to come clean with my wife as she is making grand arrangements for our 10 year anniversary.  How do I tell my wife I had an affair ? Or should I not tell her at all?

19 replies
June 7, 2017


  1. Yes, I agree with the above answer by Komal. You ought to come clean with her, anniversary or no anniversary. You need to dig deep as to why did you do it. Temptation is always there, but you really went ahead with it. Was it a one night stand or an affair? They are two different things no. One night stand is even more careless. Is there no regard for each other left in the marriage. You both need to answer deeper questions. Will she forgive, is another question. Good luck. *p*

  2. You have two choices, either tell your wife about it and most probably spoil your 10th Anniversary celebrations or don't tell make sure you don't repeat it and whenever the time is suitable , if it is, tell her whatever happened ( if at all you want to tell for whatever reasons ).*p**p*It's not about honesty but we never know 100% about anyone, even you might not be knowing everything about your partner and it's not necessary to know each and everything. You might come clean today but your wife might never forget it though she may forgive you, plus you will make her insecure. Everytime you travel alone the thoughts might trouble her and every time you have a fight over anything, whatever you did might come up.*p**p*You cannot go back into the time and change things but you can certainly see how to not mess up the coming time. Make it up with lots of love and try to genuinely be honest and true to her and yourself. That's the best you can do I.m.o.*p**p*All the best and a very Happy 10th Anniversary.*p*

  3. Don't tell her now ..the time is not right….but never ever do it again …*p**p*May be after knowing her reactions indirectly  some day you may or may not …*p**p*Good to know that some men even think about one.night stand in this light thinking about their wives..*p**p*Keep it up and hope all men do .Then there will be a lot of peace , harmony and true fullfillment in relationships..*p**p*Happy 10th anniversary*p**p* *p**p* *p*

  4. Unburdened your guilt on someone who trusted you? No way! Not all secrets need to be shared between couples, especially not those that would tear a relationship apart.*p**p*The fact that you felt guilt says that you are ashamed of your behavior. Hopefully, this was just a one-time incident. Focus on your marriage and make things interesting between your wife and yourself if monotony is setting in. 7*p**p*When one cheats, it is not just cheating on a person but also all the great experiences the partner brings with them. Ask yourself, what all are you cheating on for a night of pleasure — loving wife, good home, children (if any) who love you, self respect?*p**p*Hopefully, you will find other ways to make up to the woman who trusted you enough to decide to share her life with you.*p*

  5. In old Indian scriptures there is a story: A murderer came to a crossroads where a monk was sitting meditating. He was following a man. He had already hit the man hard but he escaped, the victim escaped, and he was following him. At the crossroads he was puzzled; he asked the monk who was meditating under a tree, 'Have you seen a man with blood flowing, passing by here? If so, which direction has he gone?' — because it was a crossroads. *p**p* *p**p*What should this monk do? If he tells the truth, that the man has gone to the north, he will become a part of the murder. If he says that he has not gone to the north, he has gone to the south, he will be telling a lie. What should he do? Should he tell the truth, and allow the murder, or should he become a liar and stop it? What should he do? *p**p* *p**p*There have been many answers. *p**p* *p**p*Jainas say that even if it is going to be an untruth, let him be untrue, because violence is the greatest sin. They have their own valuation — violence is the greatest sin, untruth comes next. *p**p* *p**p*But Hindus say no, untruth comes first, so let him be true; he has to tell the truth and let things happen, whatsoever happens. *p**p* *p**p**p*Gandhi said — Gandhi had his own answer about this — HE said, 'I cannot choose between these two because both are supreme values, and there is no choice. So I will tell him the truth, and I will stand in his way, and I will tell him, "First kill me, and then follow that man."' *p**p* *p**p*It appeals, Gandhi's answer appeals, seems to be better than both the Hindu's and the Jaina's — but look at the whole situation: the man is going to commit one murder and Gandhi is forcing him to commit two. *p**p* *p**p*So what to do? I have no answer. Or my answer is: don't decide beforehand, let the moment come and let the moment decide, because who knows? — the victim may be a man who is worth murdering. Who knows? — the victim may be a dangerous man, and if he survives he may murder many. Who knows what the situation will be because it will never be the same again — and you cannot know the situation beforehand. *p**p* *p**p*Don't decide. But your mind will feel uneasy without a decision because the mind needs clear-cut answers. Life has none, no clear-cut answers. Only one thing is certain: be spontaneous and alert and aware, and don't follow any rule. Simply be spontaneous — and whatsoever happens, let it happen. *p**p* *p**p*If you feel in that moment like taking the risk of losing truth, lose it. If you feel in that moment that that man is not worth it, then let the violence happen, or if you feel, 'That man is worth more than me,' stand in between. *p**p* *p**p*Millions of possibilities will be there. Don't fix it beforehand. Just be aware and alert and let things happen. You may not wish to say anything. Why not be silent? Don't tell any untruth, don't help the man in violence, don't force the murderer to commit two murders. Why not be silent? Who is forcing you? Let the moment decide: that is what all the awakened ones have said. *p**p*But if you listen to ordinary moralists they will tell you that life is dangerous, to go with a decision; otherwise you may do something wrong. And I tell you whatsoever you do through a decision will be wrong, because the whole existence is not following your decisions; the whole existence moves in its own way. You are a part of it — how can you decide for the whole? You have to simply be there and feel the situation and do whatsoever your conscience says.*p**p*Whatsoever you do, the consequences will continue. So, it is difficult to decide what to do in such situation.. There are many ways an d consequences will follow..*p**p* *p*

  6. You need to figure out whether your wife can find out about this in any way or not. If there is even a slightest possibility that she may find out then confess head on but be sure to be loving and caring and definitely feel guilty. Women tend to know if you are feeling sorry or not. And be miserable too*p**p*If she doesn't have any chance of knowing what you did then remain shut. Never ever discuss this. Guard this secret with your life and don't tell her. Believe me she will be more happy in ignorance than the enlightenment *p*

  7. There is one story in this aspect.. It may be relevant here….*p**p*A man came to Junnaid, a Sufi mystic, and asked him, ”What do you say about pre-determination, kismet, fate, and the freedom of man? Is man free to do whatever he wants to do? Or is he simply a puppet in the hands of an unknown puppeteer, who simply dances the dance that the puppeteer chooses?”*p**p*Junnaid is one of the few beautiful mystics. He shouted at the man, ”Raise up one leg!”*p**p*The man was a very rich man; Junnaid knew it. All the disciples, the whole school knew about it – and he had shouted so loudly and so rudely, ”Raise one leg up!” And the rich man had never followed anybody’s orders; he had not gone there to follow orders. And he could not conceive even a far off, far-fetched, off-the-wall relationship between his question and this answer. But when you are facing a man like Junnaid you have to follow him.*p**p*He raised his right leg.*p**p*Junnaid said, ”That is not enough. Now raise the other, too.”*p**p*Now the man was at a loss, and angry also. He said, ”You are asking absurdities! I had come to ask a philosophical question – that you simply dropped without answering. You asked me to raise one leg, I raised my right leg. And now you are asking me to raise the other, too. What do you want?*p**p*How can I raise both legs?”*p**p*Junnaid said, ”Then sit down. Have you received the answer to your question or not?”*p**p*The man said, ”The answer to my question has not been given yet. Instead you have been training me in this parade!”*p**p*Junnaid said, ”See the point: when I said, ‘Raise one of your legs’ you had the freedom to choose either the right or the left. Nobody was determining it, it was your choice to raise the right leg. But once you had chosen the right leg you could not choose the left too. It is your freedom that has determined the fact of your bondage. Now your left leg is in bondage.”*p**p*Man is half free and half in bondage, but he is free first. And it is his freedom, how he uses his freedom, that determines his bondage. There is nobody sitting there writing in your head or making lines on your palms. Even an omnipotent God must be tired by now, doing this stupid thing of making lines on people’s hands. And so many people are coming… writing in everybody’s head what he is going to be, where he is going to be born, when he is going to die, what disease, what doctor is going to kill him. All these details!*p**p*You are free, but each act of freedom brings a responsibility – and that is your bondage. Either call it ‘bondage’, which is not a beautiful word, or call it ‘responsibility’. That is what I call it. You choose a certain act – that is your freedom – but then the consequences will be your responsibility.*p*

  8. You messed up for sure. Although she will feel heart broken but she still deserves to know. Tell her and accept whatever her decision is. Keeping her in the dark will always gnaw you at your heart. So its better to get it done and over with.*p*

  9. This sure is a bit messy. Having read the two other pieces of advice wherein one says "Don't tell" while the other suggests "come clean". Both have their pros and cons. The first thing to ask yourself is: Am I happy with my wife? If the answer is yes, then what were the circumstances that led you to go astray? Was it alcohol? or infatuation? or, seduction by the woman? Were precautions taken to prevent any unwanted pregnancy?*p**p*The answers to these questions will provide you an answer to your querry. Personally, I would not mention about this to anyone since it could ruin lives unnecessarily. For future, discretion must be exercised. Such issues can lead one in to a trap from which extricating oneself would be difficult.*p*

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