Having a Friends for benefits outside marriage- is it ok?

While marriage is a sanctum and we take a vow to share everything- physical, mental, spiritual, emotional with our life partner, what when both have a totally contrasting take when it comes to sex. One has a higher sex drive and the other gets cold feet, sex is a chore. Is it ok for the partner to look for physical intimacy outside his/her marriage? Is it wrong, would that mean that he/she is tied for life with the spouse and has to give up on his/her desires?

11 replies
Akshata Ram
September 2, 2017


Akshata Ram
Akshata Ram September 8, 2017 - 9:17 am

Well Shailendra Gulhati- lets be absolutely clear. This is an open discussion on a topic which I was researching for a post on Open relationships to be published on this platform. Its ridiculous when you take this as personal advice that I am seeking. If I had to- I don’t think I would need the opinion of random people on the net! If you read the piece about an assexual partner and the other who has a higher sex drive- you would understand the gist. A piece of advice- keep it as “my opinion sans judgement” next time. That’s all

Shailendra Gulhati
Shailendra Gulhati September 7, 2017 - 1:56 pm

How can anyone else answer this for you? its a very personal thing. you have to make the choice, you are the one who is pondering over this desire, you it is who has to reap the pleasure and the consequence, if any!
i would say its for you to ask your spouse. or then, are we to take concealment as a given? as far as i am concerned, it isn’t about being peevish or squeamish, this thing about having sex outside marriage. just that i dont have any regret about the vows i made. Thats bondage sex too, think about it..;) actually, i feel that changing partners is an endless game, it cant satiate your new desires. whereas, knowing the same partner in different ‘ways” is actually a sacred discovery through the sensual boundaries.

Tuli Banerjee
Tuli Banerjee September 7, 2017 - 12:57 pm

I believe that expecting everything from a spouse is like doing injustice to your spouse. So it is always better to expect few things outside marriage – however to each one’s own.

September 6, 2017 - 9:11 am

Social norms keep changing with times and so also the rules of morality yet polygamy/polyandry is an eternal truth which cannot erased from the society. Even as late as 1955 any Hindu or Muslim in India could marry as many times as he wished under the prevailing laws of the land. Sex for benefit, mutual or otherwise are a common occurrence and so are casual flings in this so called modern society. Sex is a basic drive with a history since the evolution of the Homo Sapiens and cannot be bound under the Social and Moral norms of any time by the humans and should not be. No one bothers a naked on a nude beach.

Ketan September 5, 2017 - 11:23 pm

The basic question that everyone has to ask: Who are we? We are all strangers, and on what grounds do we become so authoritative that we can say, “I will give you freedom,” or “I will not give you freedom,” or “If you love me, then you cannot love anybody else”? These are stupid assumptions, but they have dominated humankind since its very beginnings. And we are still barbarous; we still don’t know what love is. If I love someone, I am grateful that that person allowed me, my love, and did not reject me. This is enough. But I don’t become an imprisonment to her: She loved me, and as a reward I am creating a prison around her; I loved her, and she, as a result, is creating a prison around me. Great rewards we are giving to each other!

If I love someone I am grateful and her freedom remains intact. It is not given by me. It is her birthright, and my love cannot take it away. How can love take somebody’s freedom away, particularly the person you love? It is her birthright. You cannot even say, “I give freedom to her.” Who are you in the first place? — just a stranger. You both have met on the road, by the way, accidentally, and she was gracious to accept your love. Just be thankful, and let her live the way she wants to live, and live the way you yourself want to live. Your life-style should not be interfered with.This is what freedom is.

Another thing marriages are man-made and we don’t need to go with the presumption of its being sacred. It is people who made bond sacred not the institution of marriage. If marriage institution is sacred then why there were more than one marriages in almost all the mythological/religious stories be it lord Krishna or father of Lord Rama or Pandavas.. and if it is sacred institution then why rising in cases of divorce?? So marriage institution as such is not sacred. It is bonding between persons is sacred. It does not matter whether bonding is in the marriage or out of marriage.

So, I feel nothing wrong to share anything with anyone.. it’s better if we can share that with spouse but if it is not possible with spouse then nothing wrong to share it with the person with whom we are comfortable, be it emotional, physical, spiritual, mental.

Andy September 5, 2017 - 9:36 pm

Take it with a smile or take it with a box of tissues, though marriages might seem ah so perfect but they are not.

The concept of marriage does not exist in the nature, it’s made by humans for their own selfish reasons and even in a marriage there are different arrangements that suit people’s needs in different cultures.

Life is not perfect , it is full of flaws and experiences, ups and downs and everyone has to experience their journey. What worked for me might not work for you and vice versa.

Raj September 5, 2017 - 3:20 pm

Does marriage really involve a promise of monogamy ?
I don’t think so

Devraj Kalsi
Devraj Kalsi September 5, 2017 - 1:54 pm

Before you seek approval from others, remember it is a relationship that matters for two individuals who have decided to be unified. When you find a strong reason to stray, you cannot just carry on with it. You are accountable to your spouse. Nobody else matters in this regard. If your spouse understands a deficiency that cannot be taken care of and at the time realises that the marriage should continue, it is up to your spouse to allow such a friend-with-benefits option in marriage.

Ramendra Kumar
Ramendra Kumar September 5, 2017 - 12:29 pm

Sometimes one looks for emotional support outside marriage, having friends for benefits too is something like this. However, this should be resorted to when everything else has failed.

Meenu Mehrotra
Meenu Mehrotra September 5, 2017 - 10:46 am

Looking for physical intimacy outside marriage should come as the last option when everything else has failed.
Marriage is a sacred institution and all efforts need to be made to keep it going.
Going to a sex counselor/ marriage counselor for resolving this issue should help immensely if both the partners are committed and loyal to each other.
Sexual incompatibility can/ might be resolved with professional help and if it’s an impossibility, then leaving the marriage is a better option than looking for sex outside.That amounts to infidelity & betrayal.
Choose one. Marriage or no marriage . You can’t have a marriage where you betray your partner.
Remember, once you step out of the marriage, nothing will save it.

Aritrik Dutta Chowdhury
Aritrik Dutta Chowdhury September 5, 2017 - 10:04 am

Adultery of any form is breach of faith. Not quite acceptable.

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