How to deal with the accusations from the past

When a spouse constantly reminds the other of the mistakes and poor judgments that were done 3, 5, 7 or even 15 years back, it becomes incorrigible. The less fortunate half doesn’t have enough logic to defend him or herself after so many years and the vocal one is not willing to let the past go.What should a couple do then? Ask for separation and move ahead? Trial for reconciliation and peace doesn’t last. What’s the resort to spend rest of their lives peacefully?

12 replies
Tapan Mozumdar
June 7, 2017


Anonymous July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am
KankanaRoy June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

The past no matter how wonderful or how terrible it was is ur past both as a couple and as individuals. Holding on and blaming your partner may give you a temporary feeling of peace and self righteousness, in the long run it only makes you an escapist!! Drawing on the past never has helped anyone won’t help you won’t help your spouse… the always ours can we rectify those mistakes and move ahead as a couple , a team or stay rooted in a bitter blame game and complacency*p*

Puneet Aggarwal June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Some mistakes leave the underneath open wound with a fragile scab. A small hall of wind can expose them to the brittle pain. If you believe that they were truly a mistake on your part, sometimes seeking apologies for the ignorance can be beneficial. Try to communicate with your spouse, tell him that you are truly sorry for those past deeds and you want to help him out surpassing them. tell him, that the constant reminders not only hurts him but you too. A love balm is never as injurious as a paranoid heart.

Urmi June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

If, as you say, the non argumentative one has no comeback, parting ways might make more sense. No one needs to live with their character and intent being constantly judged and questioned.

Deepshikha June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

this is clearly lack of understanding and trust in your partner. stretching petty little things like a rubber band is not good for a healthy relationship. Realize or make realize one’s mistake, apologize and move on.

Rishav Ray June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

The truth is with a patner like that you cannot. We expect our partners to love us with all our imperfections. Taunting or even mentioning the past for the sake of demeaning the other can be fatal for a relationship. Its the present which should matter and I think if your partner keeps on judging you for your past, you should probably move on. Because time and again he/she will do the same. But sometimes, we tend to compromise with our partners believing that they do not mean it. However, in the end, with constant tauntings, the warmth of the relationship is lost.*p*

DarshanaDoshi June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Many a times lack of proper communicatiin ,reinforcement of love and care and lack of reassurance through words and actions is what becomes an if the trust was broken ruthlessly give it some time and also work towards it diligently. .most cases accusations will be replaced with love if one has worked honestly..and those cases where the nature of the person is responsible then after counsellors sessions the couple should talk about the solution to try within time frame failing which they may talk about separating….*p*.*p*

DrSanjeevTrivedi June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Ask whether we are to drive looking through the windscreen or by looking into the rear view mirror ?

Karthi June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

This is where to start being practical. We have lots half baked geniuses who lives with what others tell, not knowing that they have a mind and it can make good decisions. The first time I can forgive, the second, the third and what if it’s not changing .. what if things not changing inspite of mentioning the past incidents.. what if u got a last opportunity to turn rich and gets spoiled by companion .. Divorce is not possible as we got nothing to prove, might be the companion will not know the other is having this problem.. no other way than accept the fate and kill ourselves the entire life.

Raul Sodat Najwa June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Maintain a diary *p*Note down all the key points of mistake made by your partner for a year and torture them after one year *p**p*That is called Cold War

ArchanaSharma June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

It’s a difficult proposition to sail through. There are no definitive tailor made solutions in such a situation. Either have the patience to bear the assault or move out of it. No amount of assurance and explanation works unless the person in question is willing to understand. Time takes it test . Sometimes things do work but it needs magnanimous heart.

TuliBanerjee June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Each relationship needs to be based on trust and honesty. If one of the partners has cheated or made serious mistakes in the past, especially if the mistakes have been repeated several times, it is understandable that the partner can feel a little nervous about whether or not the spouse has changed or if this continues as a serial habit.*p**p*If the mistakes committed in the past were serious ones, it might have proven to be a devastating experience with far reaching effects for the partner. However one should not be in a relationship if one carries major emotional baggage and the issue exceeds the maximum weight. If the partner is so badly affected that he or she cannot trust her spouse any more and keeps on reminding or bringing back the same issues again and again, then the partner needs to work on his or her issues and preferably with the help of a counselor. Although most spouses will be understanding of past issues committed by him or her, this patience will wear thin when the spouse has to keep defending himself or herself and being punished for their past experiences. The less fortunate half might want to move the relationship forward but their partner might still be stuck in the past. If the partner is showing signs of not trusting the spouse by constantly reminding of the past, it means they don’t trust themselves, they don’t trust relationships and they are having difficulty trusting what the spouse says and does. Seeing a counselor might help, else separation is not a bad idea coz the issues lies with the partner who is not able to forget the past and needs to deal the issues alone.

RakshaBharadia June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

I must confess I do this so much! And this really dampens our relationship….

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