Is it over?

Like the song, we dont talk anymore, Ours is such a situation too. We dont come close anymore.Its not that i miss sex with him, cause it was bad from the very first time. our first kiss was a disaster. Our sex was really really bad, i never got anything out of it, except some juvenile kind of making out.We never had kids, my hope of having my 3 pretty children has dwindled down to, "Maybe i never wanted in the first place…." kind of thing.However, we like each other a lot. We are our best friends, we know each other really well and cant think of leaving each other. We laugh seeing all the funny things, we are updated on whats on net and stuff.. we will watch movies together, go on really good holidays and be happy just being together.But there is no romance, there is no sex, its kind of weird, as we dont talk about it anymore, more so because When i bring it up, he looses it, or he gets upset, or he says i am blaming him, i have to look within too, and that, It takes two to tango.. so the blame is back on me… in a way… "Oh, you are not attracted to me…" ya maybe, because you dont make any effort anymore, not that you made any initially. We went on holidays because, its fun, or its the thing to do, or because you wanted to see those places with someone special…I worked a lot on myself over the years, i saw sexologists, i saw therapists, but i feel, all he cares about is his career. I have become too involved with myself to gather the courage to leave, but when i remember my dreams of being a mother and having a house full of dogs and children, i resent him, i hate him .Can you tell me, whats going on? Are we finished? Are we just prolonging the inevitable… Div……

23 replies
Anonymous
July 13, 2017

23 comments

RamendraKumar July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

You can't squeeze your entire married  life in 337 words and ask for advice! *p**p*Please seek professional help NOW !! Please !!!*p*

Antara Majumder July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I think an oen discussion is always better than brooding silently. Talk to him. If he is unwilling to open up, probably it is time to move on. however, have clear thoughts in head as you know the situation better thatn anybody else.*p*

Anand July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

It is not clear what is wrong with the sex that you guys intitially tried out. Was it painful (to one or both)? Or was it merely non-enjoyable? Or you could not go through with the act — enough to possibly get pregnant? Or is it that despite going through the motions of (unenjoyable or painful) sex, this did not result in pregnancy? Or is it that after the early bad sex, you don't do it any more — and so no chance of getting pregnant?*p**p*Besides, you seem to have two unfulfilled desires — one to have babies of your own, and the other to have enjoyable sex.*p**p*Both of you need to have a medical check up – to make sure there are no biological issues that prevent you from becomming pregnant. If you CAN get pregnant with his sperms, there are many ways to take his sperm to your ovary — even without sex. You can also seek doctor's help for this if required.*p**p*That leaves the issue of sex. Who finds it more unpleasant — you or him? What is the problem? Are you and he able to enjoy sex while masturbating? Have you tried intimately fondling each other? Is that too not fun?*p**p*You can respond here and some us can help, or you can go to a QUALIFIED professional to check what is possible as a solution. *p**p*As some others too have suggested, you need to talk to him — tell him what you miss in the marriage. If he responds that it is all (or partly) your fault, then insist that both of you go to a good counselor to discuss the problems. This should be your condition for continuing with the marriage.*p**p**p* *p*

Bhagyashree Sowani July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Yes, you do have a problem but you need to know that there are many couples who are in the same boat as you. There was an article in the Times of  India a few years ago. *p**p*The problem itself is not a reason to terminate the marriage. You need to tell your husband that his unwillingness to acknowledge and deal with this issue shows that he is not committed to saving the marriage. *p**p*you need to speak up and explain this to him for the sake of the children you want. If he understands this then both of you need to go to a  therapist to figure out how to tackle your problems. *p**p*If he is not cooperating then you need to think of leaving the marriage.its dead anyway. *p*

Smriti July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I know this will sound easier said than done. But if you really want to fulfill your dreams of the life you wanted, it is time to have a chat. He may put up a wall or start an argument. But ask him nicely what he wants from this relationship? WHere does he see you two in ten years, and where does he see himself? Then you can share your answers to those questions. There is compromise involved. So if you want it to work, you both will have to find  a middle ground. If he wants no kids, what about pets? If he wants neither and you give up your dreams of both, what do you get out of this? Is there something else you want that he can give. Of course you have shared many moments together which will always be special. But is that enough. Time for decisions. The rest of your life lies ahead. Begin now.*p*

Tall Man July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Please don't give up on him. *p**p*Maybe you can adopt kids. Give life to a couple of.homeless orphans. This way there are kids and at the same time you have your awesome husband. *p**p*I don't have a solution for the other problem though. But hey, please don't give up on him. Speaking on behalf of all the lovely husband's who love their wife but never really understood her expectations and feelings. *p*

mishti upadhyay July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Gather courage and move out of this relationship as a couple…. you can still be friends but how come no sex no children,motherhood is very beautiful do you want to miss that in this life? May be he is gud to you becoz he is not able to give you sexual happiness.I feel start a fresh relationship give birth to kids have petdogs n complete your life.Sorry of my opinion hurts you just wish you full happiness.*p*

Anmol Ratan Sachdeva July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

It is good that you are thinking about your relationship situation. Before trying to find a solution, it is better to outline the whole problem and face the same with all your courage. In your case, first you have to identify, is he really your well-wisher and supporter or not. *p**p*Being career-oriented is not a big thing and I do not believe that he should be punished for that. I understand that you have your own goals, aspirations, and desires, but when you do not want to give a second thought to giving up your desires, how can you think that he should give up his career-orientation. A relationship is a two-edged sword, you cannot just keep juggling it without being hurt if you do not exercise extreme caution. I understand that he does not give you time that you want, but do not just take it as a reason to end a relationship. *p*

Malini July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I have sought help Dr Trivedi. But something doesn't complete itself. I dont know where I am going wrong. *p*

DrSanjeevTrivedi July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Sad that you had have peddled in muddy water so far.*p**p* *p**p*I wish you would have had sought help. Yours is a 'fancy but almost gone case', meaning, the goodness around, lolipoped you to close your eyes to harsh realities.*p**p* *p**p*Relationship is slipping out of your fingers. Seek competent and experienced professional help. *p*

Rupali Tiwari July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I still think you should be open with your husband. Ask him what he wants in life and telk him about yours too. Just a little talk without a blame game. *p*

Malini July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I have to re think my words, is he really my best friend. He is my biggest supporter after my mom, he feels happy in the small acheivments i have, he doesnt force me to do things i dont want to do, he guides me many times, he says i am a project, but who is not… I need a lot of hand holding, so he sometimes does that too… sometimes i am rude, he is not. *p**p*But then he is too career oriented. I cant be trapped like this for ever..*p**p*But thank you, you have said a lot of amazing things and I want to re visit all of them many times..  *p*

Anmol Ratan Sachdeva July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Desire of being desired and the subsequent satisfaction is a demanded from a relationship like a marriage. But the same should not be the case or should be recognized as a criteria for having a normal relationship. *p**p*When I read about your situation, all I can see is that there is some sort of desire in you regarding motherhood that is not just being fulfilled by your partner. Otherwise, you seem to have everything that a couple desire for- a best friend, a partner and a support in times of need. You yourself said that you go places where anyone would want to go with a soulmate.*p**p* *p**p*Your previously set idea of a perfect life is being challenged currently and that is not letting you remain in peace with your present. It's ok to have perceived notions about marriage, life and future, but not everytime your notions are correct. Sometimes, you need to look at everything with an open outlook and learn to accept all what is positive in your life. *p**p*Just a mortal desire (which I believe is not all that is needed for being happy) should not dwindle your mind to take a step that can have negative impact on your future. I mean just think of it, how many people accept that their partner is their best friend and the same  is felt by their partner. Very minimal. This is a blessing in disguise. Learn the art of counting your blessings. And try learning the art of being content too.*p**p* *p**p*If you still believe that your desire is above everything in your life, there are many other ways to solve the problem. The best one being discussion with your partner about your thoughts. I believe, being your best friend he will understand and will help you find a much better solution that anyone here can suggest. *p**p*Have open communication. It will pay off for sure.*p*

Malini July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Rupali, I love your honest reply. I would really like to think it this way. *p**p*But as you said, if i have said everything is there, i have to sit and think, is it really there, or is it a fiction of my mind. I am often called impractical by people who understand me. Why are you full of heart.. is something i hear too.. *p**p*Is he really listening, have i painted too rosy a picture about our friendship? because if that were true, then, he wouldnt be shut in his home office every evening. the most exciting thing we do is watch comedy together and laugh. *p**p*Once on a train, abroad, he had come to drop me off, i was going to see a dear friend and it was just for one day. when i saw him across the window, my heart sank, and i felt like crying. It still happens, i will never be able to say goodbyes. I am too worse at it. *p**p*Thank you for taking the time to think and write for me so well. *p**p* *p*

Rupali Tiwari July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Honestly i dont understand what the problem is. What you have with your spouse is something any woman would kill for. You have a friend in him. A companion. Someone who respects you , your demands and your wishes. Having kids and sex are an important aspect of life but these are not the only things. Have you seen an elder couple groping for each other after being married for 20 years. No. Because after some time passion fizzels off. What remains is a trust and commitment. *p**p* *p**p*What you are feeling is a sense of dissatisfaction which doesnt necessarily means that your marriage is in jeopardy. It just means you need to work it out. Talk to him. Tell him about your situation and dilemma. He is your best friend as you have suggested. Even if he feels upset for a day or two. Tell him about the things you need in life. If all you have said is true then he would do anything possible just to have you in his life. *p**p* *p**p*But if you have already decided to put an end on this relation without any regret and you thing you will be happy out side of this then i would suggest take the step. It would make life easier for you and him both.*p*

Malini July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

As i said, i dont miss having sex . *p**p*What does, "he is not into the act", mean? He is asexual? *p*

Malini July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Thanks for replying. No Tina, I have no other person in my life. I have a lot of passions and interests though and I have completely immersed myself into keeping myself healthy. *p**p*And time is running out.. we are not getting younger. *p**p*:) *p*

Malini July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

🙁 Every word is true. sometimes i think everyones life is like the life of pie drama pie's.. a little courage and we can sail across the worst, but sometimes that courage is the most difficult to find. I usually regret every decision I make, do you think if i take the step i will be able to be bold and walk away … And yes, for a change i will have to think selfishly. *p**p*No one can answer all this except me. Thank you. *p*

Malini July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Thank you Neeraj. As I have already said, i did seek help, infact i am on and off therapy from some time. I have seen a sexologist, some of the best people, everyone urges both to come, and pursue it right.. Here I feel or think, i am the one doing all the work.. Wheras all he is interested in is work and career , like deeply that is his need. *p**p*Thank you for saying it that all three are important, i had started thinking otherwise. *p**p*Wish to untangle soon. *p*

Neeraj July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

In my opinion every relationship has a few basic building blocks- the roti, kapra and maakan type. Sex is one such building block, romance is the second and companionship/respect is the third.*p**p*if you just have a single block, it's hard to build a house and what you have is perhaps not a relationship in the truest sense of it.*p**p*Over time in most relationship the romance dims, the sex lessens and the other block of companionship takes more prominence.*p**p*But you need all three in some form shape or size to build something in your life till you die.*p**p*With deep humility, I would urge you to seek help- professional and with some close friends who know you deeply and have your best interests at heart.*p**p*Perhaps they will help you find your missing block and you can have your dream house.*p**p*Best of luck.*p**p* *p**p* *p**p* *p*

DEVRAJ KALSI July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Dear Anonymous,*p**p*Your post shows a different thought pattern from what you are presenting as your plight now  – by asking 'is it over' you are looking for loud supportive yes from readers. Considering you are an educated and independent person, you made a choice quite early, of living without sexual intimacy. That stage is long over and you have come to terms with it by accepting other diversions, by thinking not all dreams can be fulfilled in a relationship like this. Now you seem to be revisiting that decision, thinking once more whether it is worth continuing. Obviously now you have reached a stage where you cannot bear it and any hope of revival is remote so you are exploring an end to it, gathering support and independent, unbiased views so that it works as a trigger to enable you to decide bravely. You are entitled to your pleasures and happiness in life and if you are able to think selfishly, from your standpoint alone, then you can end it and seek a better bond elsewhere and enjoy the rest of your life. Your partner will feel bad and let down that despite trying all that to keep it alive you have chosen a different path but the reality is that he has to let you go. So exercise your right to search for a better alternative instead of remaining stuck in a relationship that is affecting your peace and happiness. I guess we strike relationships to get satisfaction – at least a functionally happy one. *p*

Tina July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Hey…this is sad. but hold on! Are you trying to say everything is fine except for the 'sex and romance' part? I mean the two of you gel well otherwise? If yes…then it is one thing. But look within and think…if you really love each other. If you don't it's another. *p**p*1. About kids, one can adopt. *p**p*2. Romance…normally fades from most marriages. But no 'sex' is def something strange. Maybe he has frigidity, or some such issue? Go to a better sexologist. There is one on this site too I think. *p**p*3. Do you have another person in your life? *p**p* *p*

Aman Singh July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

This is obviously not normal but this happens. Sometimes our libido falls way down that our imagination. And it has nothing to do with the libido but everything else. A person can only be good at sex if he/she has stable mental standards which are an outcome of everything going on in his/her life. So the problem always lies somewhere else. *p**p*A man wouldn't have sex not because he hates sex but because he is not into the act. And that's wrong. Really wrong. And something should be done to bring everything back to normal.*p**p*Try to recognize the problem and look for it somewhere else and not during sex. Till then don't persuade into having sex. *p*

Anonymous July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

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