Love my husband but hate his family

I have been married almost 6 months. It was a love marriage and I didn't know my husband's family very well. But since our wedding I feel their resentment against me. I even heard my mother in law tell someone that they could have gotten someone better than me, and that I trapped their son. My husband seems unaware and I don't know how to tell him without making it seem like I am bitching about his family. I do love him, but am beginning to hate his family. Don't want this to spoil my relationship!

17 replies
Anonymous
June 7, 2017

17 comments

Anonymous July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am
Tall Man June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

If I were you, I would try harder and win over the parents with love. Try harder – six months is nothing. *p*

Tall Man June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Any new person in the family has to make efforts to "fit" into the family. And before you accuse me of being sexist – it applies to both sexes. *p**p*There's no disappointment in trying and losing. But remember if you don't try now, you can never ever try later in life. *p*

Tall Man June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Clarification for sexist remark – had it been a guy I would have said the same. *p**p*And Mr/Ms.anonymous – I have had a love marriage and know what it's like to get "accepted" in another family. Trust me – it's worth taking the effort because finally all hearts melt and her husband will really really appreciate her effort. End of the day he is not going to forget his parents. Maybe you can involve him too in Mission Winover and both of you can jointly make a big push :)*p*

arushichaudhary June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Getting along with your in-laws and developing a sort of mutual fondness is a slow, gradual process. It won't happen overnight, and since you have heard your MIL's notions about your marriage, it may take even longer. Unless you are facing abuse and/or harassment in any form – in which case, you should stand up for yourself and consider moving out (with or without your husband) – it is best to give them the benefit of doubt. When we have our differences of opinions with our parents, who have birthed and raised us, it is unrealistic to expect that there would never be disagreements with one's in-laws, who are basically a set of strangers and also in an age when people are really set in their ways. So, give it time and try to iron out your difference one-on-one. *p*

Neha June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I always tell my friends who are getting married that the 1st three years of marriage are the toughest. It takes so long to adjust and understand everything and everyone around you.*p**p*It is still pretty shocking when you come across people saying such things about you when it isn't even your fault. I'd suggest you try being nice to them for a while and see if they change their opinion. Talk it out with your husband and try to sort it out. Communication helps. Sit with your in-laws and talk it out. Perhaps they are scared that you'll take away their son from them.*p**p*If nothing works, you'll have to put your foot down. There is a limit to taking such things from his family.*p**p*All the best.*p*

Smriti June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Thank you for understanding. I would also let these comments and jibes pass as we are all trying to get along for the sake of my husband. But I am afraid that things may take a turn for the worse as time goes on. And I want to avoid that. Perhaps I'll lay low, do my best and see how things go from there.*p*

Smriti June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Thanks for the suggestions. Even I don't want my husband to get in the middle of all this!*p*

Smriti June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

That's true. Maybe if they get to know me better personally things will improve.*p*

Ankeeta June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Welcome to the club. I don't get along at all with many of my husband's family members & relatives. *p**p*In fact,  I only get along well with my husband & my mother-in-law. I hardly interact with my father in law to adore him or hate him.*p**p*I am good to everyone but I have given it back on a couple of occasions when things were dragged too far.*p*

Rishav Ray June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Give it some time. It will go. In-law problems are very common here.*p**p*What should matter to you, right now, is how your husband is treating you. How he supports you. As far as your in-laws are concerned, they will stop talking about you if you do not react.*p**p*However, if you feel that it is getting out of control, then you can go for a confrontation and put in your views. But for now, I would advise you to wait it out.*p*

Bhagyashree Sowani June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

In India  we don't just marry the spouse we marry the entire family as well. Just remember that they have a different background compared to yours. So  sometimes they mayseem weird to you but they are just different from what you have experienced in your childhood. *p**p*Some techniques to deal with them*p**p*Try to form a direct relationship with them and if you don't like something you can tell them nicely instead of cribbing to your spouse. *p**p*Laugh it off and don't stress. Remember that if you are stressed you will be the one who gets health problems not the person causing you stress. *p*

I am Krishna June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Hey! First of all most Indian men are mumma's boys! And most Indian MILs' think their sons could have done better! So first of all welcome to the majority! A few tips from a person who is a senior on this area. *p**p*1. Do not tell your hubby this. Do not make him play the one to pick over both of you. *p**p*2. Be smart about your mil. She is not your mother, she will judge you as she has been taught to. So think hoe can you be smart without hurting yourself or compromising too much. *p**p*3. Love yourself!  *p**p* *p*

christina June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Join the club. Mostly women love their husbands and wonder why his family is descended from rakshaks while he is such a sweetie pie. Be v sweet on the face to your in laws esp when hubby is around. And store your ammunition well. Release it to ur unsuspecting in laws when he is not around. I was a really young my bride when ever my mother in law fired me I would wipe my oily hands on her best silk sari. Can't tell u what pleasure it gave me. *p*

Aman Singh June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Give it some time. And, you can tell your husband if things go beyond your control. He should understand you since it's a love marriage. At least you have your husband's support available in a love marriage. So, give it some time and try not hating them or hold grudges. *p*

SaumyaTewari June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Thank you for sharing your experience. It is indeed encouraging to hear successful and happy stories! And congratulations, you and your wife are very lucky.*p**p*But please don’t take it personally and at the same time please don’t just dismiss her concerns and problems- people are different around the world. It is a sensitive matter. For some people, life has been bitter and it is important to point that out and carefully handle delicate relationships.*p**p*Please consider a few things here- as a man, did you move in with your wife’s family after you got married? Are you socially and financially dependent on your wife and/or her family? I am sure you did not expect your wife to change her surname and left the choice to her but did you go through a dilemma as to whether you should adopt her surname or perhaps offered that you will change yours? And these are just small routine things women go through after marriage!*p**p*This is why advice here cannot be gender neutral; rather, it has to be gender sensitive. There is a reason why there is so much social intervention, research and debates around women’s rights- women are more vulnerable. And it really has little to do with arranged or love marriages.*p**p*And one more thing, there is this new trend of adulating men who have made “sacrifices” for their wives- gave up jobs, take care of children, cook! Nothing to be proud of women do it all the time and have been doing it for ages! Period.*p*

SaumyaTewari June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Indians are patriarchial, nothing new about that- and even if the daughter-in-law is chosen by the family, they will find something or the other wrong with her.. just take it in that stride! *p**p*No need to worry as long as people don't cause any open emotional harm to you.*p**p*Don't listen to the advice the men are giving you down below, as I can see- you must be neutral. And from your end don't be mean or bitter. That is the best way to tackle people who dislike you. Focus on things you love about your husband, find hobbies to pursue and if you have a career, focus on that.*p**p*And especially, don't make any efforts to "win" people. If it won't work, you will end up hurt even more. *p*

SaumyaTewari June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I did not say your comment was sexist. You said it!*p**p*Indians are patriarchal, your advice is just impractical- probably because you can't keep yourself in a woman's shoes. And this is why-*p**p*Most Indians, both men and women, don't know the concept of domestic violence. The lady has overhead her in-laws saying she has "trapped their son"- it is emotional abuse. Because she is the lawfully wedded wife and nobody has the right to say that they could have got him a "better wife". It is demeaning to hear as a wife for any lady.*p**p*And it will be equally demeaning for a husband to hear if his in-laws said they could have found their daughter a better match. Just that, the husband will not be living with his in-laws- that is patriarchy.*p**p*I have seen cases with my close friends where it started with such taunts and ended with domestic violence- even physical violence and finally separation and divorce. My friend tried to win the inlaws and they just kept exploiting her- they even forced her to leave her job, give her debit card to them, which they used without her permission- to prove her love, she did everything they asked.*p**p*I didn't want to scare her by relating extreme cases. But such taunts are never welcome in any situation for anybody. And are not a sign of healthy relationships. It should stop there. If they say things directly to her, it will be domestic violence. That is why I asked her to take it in a lighter side if they are not directly saying anything to her.*p**p*And it is not only the lady's responsibility to "fit" into the family- the family has to be accomodative and respectful too. *p*

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