Lying and pretending about couple preferences in front of family

I have been dogged by this occurrence ever since I got married. As a single person, I never faced this but after getting married and starting to interact with other couples in the family as well as outside, I realized that many couples in our generation maintain double lives. As a couple we have mutual understanding and indulge in what our parents think are vices (non-vegetarian food, alcohol etc) but the parents have no clue because we never mention it to them and pretend that we have the same preferences as our parents. So many times when we are all outside, a common instruction given out is to not share photos lest the parents see what we are up to. It pains me, this exclusion, this double life, this pretense. I keep thinking they will never get to participate in our lives 100% due to these lies and hidden truths. And what happens when we all have to live together for longer periods? Why force children to follow one lifestyle as if the children are still immature, and why should the children encourage that? Why can’t we all as adults accept that we have different lifestyles and these small things are not a chink in anyone’s honour? Any suggestions on navigating this minefield? Should we tell the truth and risk it, or continue to lie and hide these facts?

9 replies
Anicka
June 7, 2017

9 Comments

  1. It can be tricky. My suggestion would be to introduce your lifestyle bit by bit. Don't give them a shock all of a sudden. Make it matter of fact and try not to make a big deal out of it. Gradually, they will come to terms with it. *p**p* *p*

  2. I totally understand what you mean as most of us go through this after marriage. Generally, we are comfortable telling our parents about our children but when it comes to us and our spouse, we hesitate and lie. That I think is because as partners, we might be influenced by the other, accept their practices but if our parents get to know about this, they might get upset. They might not be able to accept the “vices” and might instead blame themselves and be unhappy. So, to protect them, we tend to lead different lives and lie to them. According to me, this is completely fine because our circumstances are very different from theirs and we have adapted to the practices followed by our generation, our peers. A little lie doesnt hurt 🙂

  3. Transparency always works better. Try and be as honest as you can.

  4. There will always be things we may hide from our parents. As adults we need to think of how our actions reflect on our children. What would you want your children to do in such a situation? And no matter how forgiving you may be of them, remember generation gaps will always exist. Perhaps how you are as a parent can help you decide the actions you take as the child.

  5. If the lies start weighing you down instead of making lives simpler, it is easier to come clean. Will be tough initially, but hopefully eventually parents can come around. You also need to be prepared to make certain sacrifices and adjustments. So while a few things are accepted, there will be issues where parents will draw the line. Sometimes it is not just about leading separate lives or being old enough, but about them always being your parents and putting their happiness above certain lifestyle choices. A middle ground is, perhaps, necessary.

  6. //We’ll let our children to be transparent with their feelings and lifestyle//*p**p*Well, we like to think well of ourselves, like that don’t we?*p*Children are very much likely to push beyond the norms of what you deem acceptable now. Something that would shock, disgust, horrify or alarm you may be a normal choice for them. *p**p*Our parents may already be thinking they are being very generous with us and they don’t impose too much.*p**p*It is not as easy a solution as you think.

  7. Hopefully we can reach that middle ground soon. It’s true, it’s tough for both sides to decide where to draw the line. Thanks for your thoughts…gives me something to think about for sure!

  8. I know…it’s always that dilemma – how small is small :(. Beautifully said though – Sometimes a veil is as important as revealing yourself. Will surely think about it. Thank you 🙂

  9. The word is – Generation Gap. The generation gap which is making our parents distant from our lifestyle. The good part about this generation gap is that it won’t exist with our next generation. We’ll let our children to be transparent with their feelings and lifestyle.

    And, about telling the truth and risking it, well everybody doesn’t have the same kind of mindset to understand the way the life has progressed. So, why tell a harsh truth and hurt them rather than maintain a peaceful relationship with small little lies.

    So, yeah it’s always your decision. Sometimes a veil is as important as revealing yourself.

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