My husband gets verbally abusive when angry. Is that acceptable?

Ours was an arranged marriage but we are in love. My husband however tends to lose his mind every time we have an argument. He indulges in wxtensive verbal abuse with me. He says it is all in the heat of the moment. He does apologise for it all later but when he gets aggressive, he forgets everything else and bad mouths me. Is that acceptable? Please advise guys. Thanks.

14 replies
Deepti
June 7, 2017

14 comments

Anonymous July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am
Priya Jindal June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Verbal abuse is emotional violence and even the Domestic Violence Act considers it illegal. Your husband needs anger therapy. If you live someone, getting angry is not an excuse to lash out at them. Please talk to him when he is calm that he needs to manage his anger to not harm the relationship.*p*

DrSanjeevTrivedi June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Why argue, if it results in his losing his mind ? Think. Ask yourself if you are contributing to his drawing newer limits of indecent behaviour ? Ask yourself, can you keep quiet and avoid worsening of the situation ?

Deepti June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

And no he doesn’t do it in company. Only when we are alone.

Deepti June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

I am trying really hard, Hridaan. But perhaps I am failing somewhere in the intensity of my efforts to make him realise how hurtful it is to hear him lose control over himself every time he gets angry. It’s impossible to believe that it is the same man who is the best when happy. It’s too demotivating.

Deepti June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

You are right Nayantara, but I find it humiliating to discuss something so intimate with our family tr friends circle. It just makes me cringe to disclose our personal matters to the public.

Deepti June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Thankfully we do not have kids yet..I have got to convince him to do something about his aggression before things get out of control..I am not sure how to do that but I will somehow..

Deepti June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

He does love me dearly..in fact he is the best when he is happy. Things I by become sour when he loses his temper..and he believes I am responsible for making him react this way..but yes I need to draw the line somewhere..i don’t want him to someday raise his hand at me.

Deepti June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

I have tried to broach this subject with him, but unable to do so each time. The problem is that he doesn’t think he has anger issues. He feels I am responsible for making him react the way he does..it’s become an unending cycle of blames..

Nayantara June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Does he do this only when alone or in company as well? Try and get someone he trusts to show him the error in his ways. Maybe a friend or a sibling. Especially before children come into the picture and this abuse starts seeming like a normal part of marriage

Hridaan June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

I understand what you are going through. I have seen a lot of people going through this. There is no dearth of love between them but the only problem is the verbal abuse that often lets the relationship down. Do not give up on him. If you still feel for him even after so much trouble and if he still loves you at the end of the day I feel you should keep on working on the relationship. A face-to-face interaction with a relationship councellor could well be your last resort.

Hridaan June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Things like this happen in every relationship. Although we can argue that it should not happen. It depends on the person’s background and previous exposures. An individual who is verbally abusive to every one, is more likely to take the same route when he comes back home to his wife. He is just an unpolished version of a sarcastic husband. So in this scenario, you should just voice your opinions, about your likes and dislikes when you guys share a moment of peace and when he intends to apologise. I think if you engage all your love into the process, he will be able to alter his misbehaviour.

Anuj June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

I somehow find it to be unacceptable. He shouldn’t lose his rage when it comes to his love. But, he can’t stop all at once if you ask him to. So, advice him to control his rage and temperament. Because, even your kids (if you have) may pick up slangs at an early age if he verbally abuses you in front of them. Just talk and love each other.

JaeRajesh June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Losing the temper is normal. But how one deals with that situation marks the character of the person. Abuse of any kind, is not acceptable. It takes very little to transition from verbal to physical. If the rage episodes are uncontrollable, I’ll advise professional help for him. It is to be kept in my mind that whether he is a very good person at heart, loves you dearly etc are inconsequential when rage takes over.

Mayank June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Abuse, even verbal, is unacceptable. He should seek anger management and counselling to get better at handling emotions. You are his wife, not a person he should mistreat. And remember, apologies mean nothing if one continues with the behaviour. Put your foot down before it gets any worse!

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