Stopping verbal abuse

My husband is constantly putting me down in front of others. Be it friends, family or even our children. This has taken a huge toll on my confidence. When I told him, he asked me to not be so sensitive, it's all said in a light hearted way and to encourage me. How do I get him to stop the verbal abuse in our relationship? I don't feel like even spending a minute with him and don't want to talk or see anyone when he is around. This is not the life I want to lead!

22 replies
Anonymous
July 13, 2017

22 comments

Isathefitmom July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

You should talk to him and let him know it hurts you. Respect in every single way is really important in a relationship/marriage/friendship*p*

Ankeeta July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Take a stand for yourself.  Talk to him when you both are alone. Make him understand how you feel. If things do not improve,  put your foot down. *p*

Dua July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

If it is to encourage you it will not be said around people.  If speaking to him has not been of help, then take it up with him seriously. Your self esteem and self confidence should grow and not be hampered because of your partner. *p*

Sangeeta Sinha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Nobody can help you in this situation except you. You have to decide whether you want to accept this situation or do something about it. Lot of time we have this fear that if we react our marriage might break. And if the verbal abuse is in public then we keep quiet so that a public scene can be avoided as we feel ashamed that we are being verbally abused.*p**p*I feel that the person who is abusing has to feel ashamed because the behaviour exposes the person. It reflects on the person's character and family background. *p**p*Now how you deal with it and how much you are willing to accept depends on you. I guess you need to convey politely and firmly that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable to you. The way you convey this should clearly convey that you mean business.*p**p*Once the person realises that you mean what you say … gradually the verbal abuse episodes should stop or reduce.*p**p*If the person values you as an individual he will surely see your point.*p**p* *p**p* *p*

Anand Nair July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I would say that you accept his suggestion and see psychologist (I would personally recommend a pshychiatrist). Because no professional psychologist (nor pshychiatrist) would form opinions by assessing only one spouse on issues that involve relationship between couples; or of saving the marriage. He (or she) will talk to each of you individually, and then to both of you together. And then assess what needs to be done.*p**p*May be only one of you need help; or may be both. May be it is a case of depression (or over-sensitivity) — a condition that can easily be tackled by prescribing medicine. *p**p*Yes, good medicines have become available in the past couple of decades for minor conditions involving the mind. Which is why it is better to consult a good psychiatrist who is trained not only in psychology, but also can prescribe meedicines when required.*p*

Ketan Mehta July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Whenever he comments or opine then just say like that day won't become night by ur opinion or comments.. Say him you won't be degraded by his opinion or comments..*p*

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I will give it a try. Hope this works. Thank you.

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I am already used to him saying things when we are alone. But when he does it in front of my friends and family, it does really hurt.

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I hope so. Till now the few times I have told him, he has not taken me seriously.

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Maybe. But the whole thing could go out of hand if he feels he has been insulted in front of friends. I don’t want that

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Maybe. I just don’t think I have it in me to be so rude to someone I care about.

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I have tried suggesting the idea of getting help but he does not think there is something wrong in the first place, and suggested that I should see a psychologist as I seem to take everything seriously.

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Not so easy to walk out unfortunately. We have three children and I do still love him.

Raisha July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

I have tried leaving the gathering but then he fights with me saying how rude I was to everyone present*p*

Swapnil Narendra July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

It seems like your husband likes to show off his power and authority. Such people like to show off their authority over other people by putting them down in front of others. He may be sweet and caring to you when alone but will show his nasty side in front of the others. If this all is correct, you need to let him know that you are not below him IN FRONT OF THE OTHERS. *p**p*Next time he puts you down in front of others, let him know right there and then in a firm tone that you are not going to tolerate this tone or behaviour anymore.*p**p* *p**p*He may get upset after this and tell you in person that he didnt mean to insult you. Then, you tell him that it doesnt matter what his intentions were or weren't and he needs to stop doing this.*p*

Ketan Mehta July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

In order for someone to insult and demean you, first requirement is to value their opinion.*p**p*And opinions are not fact, so stop worrying about opinions of others..*p**p*Here in this case, the person is husband.. So, it is difficult to ignore his opinions and comments, but not impossible. *p**p*Either he has to change or you. Instead of expecting him to change, it would be better if you change and have attitude like I don't care about opinion of others, and that should be reflected from your behaviour and attitude that you really don't care about opinion of others..*p*

Archana July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

He may be doing it unintentionally without realizing how much it affects you. You need to tell him how damaging it is. Words are powerful and the hurtful ones rarely leave us. If you keep reinforcing he may start getting conscious about it. Best of luck*p*

Ranjana Kamo July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

It would be good to have a heart to heart talk with him and understand why he is putting you down. If it is intentional, you have to make him aware that you do not appreciate it at all. Did you ever smile or encourage his reaction in the past when he was being rude in public ….. may be that encouraged him. He has to know that you are not liking it …. You could walk out or voice your opinion immediately the next time you face the situation. *p*

Renica Rego July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Since you've already tried talking to him about it, maybe now it's time to give him a taste of his own medicine. *p*

Anand July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

It is clear that your husband is being insensitive. Even if your are "extra sensitive", that does not justify his acts of publicly putting you down (even in a "light hearted" way). In any case, once you have told him you don't like it, he could have stopped. *p**p*Either he is taking you for granted, or he suffers from some deep insecurities. So much so that he cannot stop his "jokes" at your expense even when you have said this upsets you.*p**p*I would advise you to insist that both of you consult a marriage counselor. The counselor would hear both of you. Together and individually. He would be able to independently assess what is wrong. *p**p*You need to make it clear to your husband that you find his jokes about you offensive, and that if he cannot stop this, the relationship is in danger. Hence the need to get professional help to try and save the marriage.*p**p**p**p* *p*

Aditi Ray Bose July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

There are always two sides to a coin. So, do ask yourself once whether you are being extra sensitive or not. If you are not and it is really abuse that it happening, then you need to tell him in so many words that if he continues it you will approach the women's cell and file a case against him. Option two, speak to his parents about it. Three, give him a taste of his own medicine – in sugar coated words abuse him back. Four, if it has crossed all limits you need to walk out.*p*

I am Krishna July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

Hey! This is def something that needs to be addressed. It is not okay for a partner to pull another down. Whatever needs to be said or done should be done in private. And even if he thinks he is joking he has to take account of the fact that it is hurting you. *p**p*The first thing you should do is tell him it hurts you and he should stop it. He may think it is light-hearted but you do not think it is.*p**p*The second thing is tell him that if he does it again, you will leave the gathering very quietly and then he will have to explain the people what that was all about. So while you will never put him down in public he will need to explain why you left.  *p*

Anonymous July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am

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