The aftermath of anger.

Anger can burn down any relationship with its flames. I have witnessed divorces where main cause has been anger. What should one do to curb anger and save a relationship from crumbling?

23 replies
July 13, 2017

23 Comments

  1. We should try to put ourselves in other person's shoes and see how we would have felt because of such rage and violent reaction. If it doesn't feel right then we should react in such a way. And we should take our anger seriously. We can't keep losing our temper now and then and let our partners be a victim of it. *p*

  2. Everybody gets angry once in a while especially if you can't get what you want. But if you are constantly angry you have to remember that its bad for your own health and peace of mind and is accomplishing nothing. *p**p*Some anger management techniques are*p**p*Yoga and pranayam*p**p*Walking and exercise. *p**p*Distract yourself by going for movie with friends. *p*

  3. Absolutely true. A real threat. what can one do to avoid this? oh well, learn to keep your anger at bay at least for a minute before you explode into an un retractable statement.If its been going on for a while/worsening  i guess one has to take professional help. the thing is, if your relationship matters to you, then you will do something to rid yourself of this negative trait that is detrimental to your love. If you arent in love at all, then your anger will actually burn it all down for you in any case.But do take time to consider what makes you angry, something about your partner directly, or then 'other people" this, i feel, can be a key in resolution.*p* *p*

  4. Anger certainly ruins relationship. One has to understand whether the person becomes angry towards certain situations, people or all the time. If it is because of some provocation then it needs to be avoided. The other partner has to maintain calm when the anger episode happens. In fits of anger none of the arguments or rationale works. A person can only realise it later . Friends and family need to understand this as a behavioral problem. If the problem persists then professional help must be sought. In Indian society anger episodes primarily have their bearing in the patriarchal setup of society which is certainly unacceptable to independent liberal free minds. The society is yet to accept and come to terms with the transition.*p*

  5. Most people have anger issues these days, and you have asked a very important question Ranjana. *p**p*But does that give everyone the solace, that ok, as a nation we are angry, so what, if i get angry on certain issues, after all, mera bhi haq hai gussa pe.. *p**p*I think, anger is an aftermath of resentment and small and big expectations not being matched. There is no easy answer to this, no quick fix, no jaadu ki chadi. But however, somethings both involved could do is.. *p**p*-Work on oneself; See a therapist for anger issues.*p**p*-Take time out to reflect, meditate or write, or play an instrument, this way we get time to be with ourselves and not always expect the other to fulfill us*p**p*-Accept that we are different, and that your partner cant fulfill every need that you have. You have to have your own interests and life other than the marriage, times have changed, actually even if you looked back, mothers who had extracurricular activities and friends, were a little happier than the ones who considred the family as a one stop solution to find happiness.*p**p*-Sing, dance, exersice, yoga, but move. Just being in your head wont help a single cause. I am a huge beliver in Movement. We are made to move, not sit in one place. Studies show that dancers, runners, yogis, or singers have more access to endorphins than the ones who just sit and think. Yes movement is everything. *p**p*-Maybe forgive, and not keep expecting things all the time.  *p**p*But doing all of these is sooooo difficult and easier to write. But personally, movement works wonders.. Try.. *p*

  6. Remember the days when he would never be tired of touching you, whispering words of love in your ears while pecking from your lips or you always always ready to give in to his wishes? *p**p*No more do you feel the warmth?*p**p*What happened when you used to have quarrels with your family members say, you mommy, dadda, sis or bro? You patched up in the twinkling of an eye! What happened to your selfless self? Why placing your false sense of self esteemed above everything when it comes to your spouse?*p**p*Anger mars the beautiful relationship between a husband and wife. When you have had a nerve wrecking  bout of anger, your sense of judgment gets overshadowed and you fail to see your own mistakes. Counting till 100 and the like don't really work. He has insulted you and you somehow have to even the score, no matter what! Forcing yourself to smile thinking of the beautiful relationship you share, works. Believe me it does! *p**p*Slamming the door, hurling abuses makes you burn in self reproach. It becomes all the more difficult to patch up later for the scars are deeper. *p**p*Read something good, listen some soul stirring  music, go for a solitary walk or simply play with a child. You would realise how futile are the fights with those, we can't live without, are. *p*

  7. It depends I'd say on the anger being justified or just habitual. If it's the latter, then perhaps anger management techniques are needed. If the former, then the couple can discuss what makes them angry and avoid that. We can also try see from the other person's point of view. Sometimes when life is going tough, one tends to get angry easier. As a partner, one can try and understand that and let small things go, instead of turning everything as an affront to one's ego and a shouting match. Sometimes, it may be better to sleep over what the other has said and not react immediately. Things can seem big in the moment but in retrospect really insignificant and not worth the pain.*p*

  8. Anger is a very tough thing to control. You need to understand the root cause behind the anger and solve that issue. For example, if it is happening because your partner is choosing his friends over you and that is leading to arguments, then the two of you need to discuss this issue and come to a solution. *p**p*Often, anger increases because both people are equally short tempered. The one way to simmer it down is if one partner can keep quiet. He/she can express her opinion later when things are calmer.*p**p* *p*

  9. The other is not the source, the source is always within you. The other is hitting the source, but if there is no anger within you it cannot come out. If you hit a buddha, only compassion will come out because only compassion is there. Anger will not come out because anger is not there. If you throw a bucket into a dry well, nothing comes out. In a water-filled well, you throw a bucket and water comes out, but the water is from the well. The bucket only helps to bring it out. So one who is insulting you is just throwing a bucket in you, and then the bucket will come out filled with the anger, hate, or fire that was within you. You are the source, remember.*p**p*Remember that you are the source of everything that you go on projecting onto others. We use it always to move to the other, and we feel very much frustrated if no one is there to project upon. Then we go on projecting even on inanimate objects. I have seen persons being angry at their shoes, throwing them in anger. What are they doing? I have seen angry persons pushing a door in anger.*p**p*There is one story..*p*One of the greatest of Zen masters, Lin Chi, used to say, "While I was young I was very fascinated by boating. I had one small boat, and I would go on the lake alone. For hours together I would remain there.*p**p*"Once it happened that with closed eyes I was in my boat meditating on the beautiful night. One empty boat came floating downstream and struck my boat. My eyes were closed, so I thought, `Someone is here with his boat, and he has struck my boat.' Anger arose. I opened my eyes and I was just going to say something to that man in anger, then I realized that the boat was empty. Then there was no way to move. To whom could I express the anger? The boat was empty. It was just floating downstream, and it had come and struck my boat. So there was nothing to do. There was no possibility to project the anger on an empty boat."*p**p*So Lin Chi said, "I closed my eyes. The anger was there, but finding no way out, I closed my eyes and just floated backward with the anger. And that empty boat became my realization. I came to a point within myself in that silent night. That empty boat was my master. And now if someone comes and insults me, I laugh and I say, `This boat is also empty.' I close my eyes and I go within."*p*

  10. The effect words once spoken , have on people can be irreversable. When angry, think of how the other peopson will feel if he/she said things that you are intending to say to them. I know, one loses their rastionality when angry, but it is important to make that extra effort.*p*