To be honest about what irritates you in the other.

Do you think in coupledom it is important to speak of what irks about the other’s behaviour, even trivia. Imperative in understanding partner’s anger, where it stems from? Give why/why not please.

10 replies
Raksha Bharadia
June 7, 2017


Anonymous July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am
TapanMozumdar June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

A sustainable relationship warrants two way communication, even at a cost of hurting the other if truth is being spoken. Yes, it may be expressed differently in different relationships and also, differently at the different stages of a relation, but end of such discussion indicates a plateau in the relationship, downward rode just lurking around the corner. *p**p*So speak thou shalt now, or remain silent forever

DrSanjeevTrivedi June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Anger among couples is born out of desire to compete, for mostly wrong reasons.

Aarti Pathak June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Well if something really bothers one, then they might as well tell their other halves , else how will they know or try to change. We just need to remember that we might also be doing something annoying and hence would need to be ready to work on our own shortcomings too!

Archana June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

At the start of a relationship, everything is cute. The way he takes the family Ipad to the loo, the way she talks while she chews. A little time passes, maybe they are bound by the ‘M’ bond, maybe just the ‘E’ and suddenly those same quirks that we gushed to our friends lead to blazing rows in the middle of the night. And those that swallow their irritations inside…how spectacularly it bursts up out of nowhere to make it worse! *p**p*No one likes to be criticized even if they say they do. Everyone deals with criticism differently therefore there is no one size fits all solution but somethings are worth taking into consideration before one takes an aim at the partner.*p**p*1. Magnitude (Is it something that you can turn the other way and celebrate as uniqueness or is it something that keeps you up at night?)*p**p*2. Your partner’s personality (Is she the kind who takes a subtle hint with humor or the long heart to heart talk kind ?)*p**p*To tell or not to tell will always remain a claasic bugbear in every relationship but the strong ones survive irrespective of it. If you do plan to tell, be ready to hear your partner’s response. You never know what sleeping wild animal you poked!

Janani Rajagopalan June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Yes, it is very important to talk about it especially among couples. It always makes sense to spell it out (of course put it out in such a way that you don’t hurt someone’s feelings) so that the other person understands why you feel that way. We all perceive things differently and it reduces conflict when you both may not be on the same page about everything but at least agree to disagree – amicably. To me, my partner is my best friend first. So if it bothers me, he is the first person I talk to…

JaeRajesh June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

The second part is truly valid. That understanding is what keeps the marriage healthy.*p*But the first part – speaking of what irks…isn’t that what happens in every fight, marital fight? Telling each other what he/ she does wrong? Why he/ she irritates you? The moment you have a conversation to highlight what irks you, the implication of that, whether right or wrong, is you’re keeping notes! The message has to be conveyed, I agree, but in a really congenial, suitable time and place and preferably sugar coated too! Unless of course you’re willing to risk a lengthy period of coldness between each other.

Kamal June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

For the second part.. unexplained anger may stem from unexpressed thoughts or feelings, especially if it is perceived that expression of certain thoughts could lead to offending the other. FOR example a person may be reluctant to express to their spouse that they don’t like their manners/ outlandishness/ body odour/ drinking habits etc… These are personal sensibilities and each one whether they like it or not get irritated with the other in 24/7 relationships. *p**p*One could have several reactions to such small irritations:.*p* 1) Denial/suppression .. A mode where one wants to think that their partner is above reproach.. This would lead to either complete suppression or an outburst at some time*p*2) Nagging/ open conflictory: both these may lead to disruptive patterns in relationships*p*3) honest expression, where equality of expression is applicable on both sides and is made with sensitivity, with the right timing/tone etc *p*4) letting go: far from suppression, here one partner may decide that what irritates them is very small in the overall package and not worth bringing up, they can tide over occasional irritations with the feelings of greater joy of the coupledom. This is a studied response and not an automatic one

Kaavya June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

I would expect my spouse to convey it. What if he/she is being a spoilsport and unnecessarily getting disturbed, even I could let them know, how not to be bothered about that trivia 🙂

Normal Baba June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Every thing needs space. Nothing can be formed or transformed without space. Love is a thing, albeit a metaphysical one. And THAT too needs space. Hence, when I find my ‘other’ giving me no space, I find myself getting irritated. I, as far as I know, am the first one to give space. And I make it obvious that I DO need some for myself. I don’t know how many times I’ve quoted Khalil Gibran’s these words: “let there be space in your TOGETHERNESS and let the winds of heaven flow through it”

Roopal Kewalya June 8, 2017 - 8:55 am

Assuming marriage is a war zone with two opponents fighting each other, there are three stages to this warfare:*p**p*1. Talking it Out: Couples in new relationships are more open to this technique of warfare. Telling each other everything that crosses their mind. Like the salt in the food was less. Or you ruined my bucket of water by putting a finger in it to check if it was hot (true story). You fight. You try to understand the other side. You don’t but you still make up. And you never go to bed fighting. Promise of seven lifetimes. *p*2. Trying to shut the F*** up: This stage of warfare stems from the previous one because obviously talking it out didn’t work. So you begin to ignore. You learn to say food tastes great even in your sleep. You learn to ignore your partner using your comb. Until one fine day, your hair stuck in your partner’s comb seems too much to bear for him and he comes hollering out and you fight back reminding him how much you have sacrificed for him-food choices, family, friends and maybe even a superstar career (who knows). He tries to shut the f*** up and you can use the comb again in peace…for the next few days. *p*3. Ceasefire: Many farts, burps and redundant jokes later you look at your partner with as much love as you can muster for a sloth. Now is the time you accept each other. Not really. But you learn to coexist with ach others’ flaws. And no there is no greatness in the gesture. Both warring parties are just tired of bickering, squabbling and finally agreeing to disagree.*p*In my humble opinion, the flaws that irritate you in the first year of your marriage will be the same ones that will irritate you in the last years of your marriage. People within a marriage don’t change. But the experience of war teaches them how to fight.*p*

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