When the sex gets mundane in a marriage, is it wrong to look for it outside?

This is not a sexist question. Depending upon the libido at your middle age, you may find yourself lacking in sexual experiences. Pent up frustrations may propel you to find sex outside marriage. Socially, legally, ethically or morally – it will be branded as an emotion not to have. Caught expressing that, you will be chastised , even ostracized. But as a living human, is it a wrong emotion to have? If you do all your duties as a spouse and more, is it really a condemning act to have physical gratifications outside a relationship that does not grant you the same? Will laws guide our libido, even if it means killing your instincts long before you are dead?Thoughts please, as a breathing human; as an individual and not as a social herd.

7 replies
Tapan Mozumdar
June 7, 2017


  1. Nope. But I do think it should be done in a way that the partner does not get hurt. Taking care of saftey as well…*p*

  2. The question in the discussion is answered there itself. Most readers shall call it immoral. Those wanting to write in favour of taking care of libido and therefore the primary health may, want to write anonymously. *p**p*It is not selfish to take care of yourself first. In fact the first duty is towards oneself.Only when your oxygen supply is fine you are good enough to take care of others.*p**p*Only thing to remember is not to have happiness at the cost of someone else's emotions. *p**p* *p*

  3. Not laws but the love should guide your libido at your middle age. You were in love with a person and made love with them till you reached you middle age. And suddenly you want to look outside? Did the love decrease? No, it kept increasing. Open relationships are not something which is known for being highly successful. Because humans are meant to love their partners with whom they share their special and intimate moments or vice versa. *p**p*If you really want to have no boundaries and live a free and open spirit then don't marry at the first place. You can freely sleep around and let libido guide your life. There are people who are efficiently doing that. They are too scared to love someone but not scared to make love to someone. *p*

  4. Thanks for the qualifier at the end, Tapan. Things get a little too oppresively moral around here – a 'relationship' website of all places!*p**p*I think it is this very quadary that is making younger couples explore the idea of an open marriage these days. It's a little too utopian, but I think the newer generation is beginning to realise that sexual gratification need not/ cannot always be found on the marital bed. Not taking anything away from the virtue of monogamy for those who believe in and practise it, but as you said, different folks, different strokes. *p**p*So, it is certainly not wrong to feel the need to satisfy oneself outside sexually  marriage; but whether one acts upon it or not (and how) is a completely different story.*p**p* *p*

  5. It is immoral for sure but one can argue that its the basic human instinct that needs to be put forth in its raw form. The society will judge a person who chooses immorality over virtue although he/she may be following his/her honest inner instincts. It also depends on what page the relationship stands. If one partner is ready to experiment the other may not approve it. Very rarely do you find both the married partners indulging in extra marital affairs and keeping a healthy relationship indoors. I believe it is not possible. So its better, in a situation like this, to talk to your partner and take a step after a proper discussion.*p*

  6. Depends really on your relationship. Have you talked to your partner? Maybe things can be spiced up? Or maybe you can both look outside depending on what agreement you come to? It's only wrong if one is busy cheating on the other.  *p*

  7. So this time mundane sex is the ground to justify sexual flings. You have two aspects cushioned here. One is the moral dilemma and the other one is the need to charge up. *p**p*Regarding the moral side of the story, you have to take a call. To do it or stay away from it. To do it with guilt or in a guilt-free manner. Since you have already clarified that the individual perspective matters more than anything else, you sound pretty sorted in going ahead with your ambitious plans. How to spice up your sex life and avoid middle-age blues is another aspect of the scenario projected. Getting rid of boredom in the bedroom has several dimensions attached. Maybe the room itself is not horny anymore. Maybe the ambience needs a change, maybe the partner has lost interest in you and that is why you find it dull and unexciting to make love. There are many aspects you need to scan and understand where this boredom is stemming from. Once you have the partner to blame for the lack of thrill and sexual energy, you should come to the conclusion that it is not working out right. In that case, as you say, sexual impropriety should be explored as an option to keep the marriage functionally alive with the full consent of the partner. Romp in bed with another partner and fulfill your desires before the libido wanes.  *p*

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