Whom will you help – the woman in the troubled relation or the man?

The question just stopped me in my tracks? Whom i will choose to help? My friend or his/her better half? Will i let better sense prevail? or will i get emotional about the issue?Who will i work to save?

24 replies
Arti Ohri
June 7, 2017


Anonymous July 13, 2017 - 10:22 am
Priya Jindal June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

There's no point waiting for things to get out of control. An abusive relationship does a lot of damage that takes years to heal. I'd say ask them to give it three strikes. If a person doesn't change by then they will never change and the relationship is not worth it. For the person taking the abuse, thwy start fooling themselves into believing that they deserve the abuse, or their partner will change. As a friend try and open their eyes to the truth. All the best!*p*

Shilpa Malhotra June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I will call an abusive relationship as one where only one person exists. That is the person who abuses to get his/ her way, and this person feels empowered to strangle everything that the other partner stands for. There is no respect and understanding, and there is no point of waiting for the abusive person to change. I believe that one should always change the things that make you unhappy and which you have the power to change.*p**p*But of course, there are people who are either helplessly in love or don't have the courage to face the oppressor. As a close family member or friend of the oppressed, one cannot help the person helplessly in love but can always try and give confidence to a person seeking the strength to walk out of an abusive relationship. *p*

Shweta Parihar June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

As you said it's an abusive relationship so nothing going to change.Relationship works with the mutual efforts.Abusive relationship is not at all healthy. Time will create more rough patches between them. It's better to come out of it. Moreover, you will get more hurt as time passes.Try to walk out of it*p*

Rupali Tiwari June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

walking out when things get out of control. people are thought that once you get a partner, no matter how difficult they are, you have to stick with them but that is not the case. if you are in an abusive relationship then walk out. don't wait for them to change because if they had any inclination to change then they would have a long time back.*p*

Rupali Tiwari June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

that is the point. most of the people are scared to understand the fact that they are more than that problamatic relationship and that they have the option of walking out. today nothing is written in stone. if you are unhappy then walk out.*p*

Biplab June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

You must your friend. You have to keep eyes on both sides who are pefectly correct. You have to balance the matter.*p*

Biplab June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

You must your friend. You have to keep eyes on both sides who are pefectly correct. You have to balance the matter.*p*

Ashutosh June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I do not think an objective assesment is possible. A slight bias for one party will prevail for sure. I think if you are good friends with both of them then you should just talk to both of them about it and not take sides. At the end of the day all you would want is that things fall into place for both of them especially when they are connected to each other. Just try as much as possible to listen to reason over emotion.*p*

Rishav Ray June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

This has to do with hope. When we are madly in love with someone and do not want to let them go we try to hang in there even if they are abusive. This is hope. We hope someday they will realise their mistake and make it up to us. But sadly it does not always happen. Its plain human behavior.*p*

Rhiti Chatterjee Bose June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I would first try and support whoever is my friend, either the man or the woman, and then if possible give some support to the partner too! *p**p*But to be stuck between quarrelling partners and trying to be neutral to their problems is a difficult task. *p*

Madhuri. Y June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I believe we end up speaking to our friend, simply because his/her spouse is not likely to share the detail with us – unless we are asked to intervene and play the mediator.*p**p*When we speak to our friend, it is not a question of whose side to take, but to remain as neutral as possible – as a psychologist would. This does not mean we don't give the emotional support that our friend requires – often psychologists give that too, not so much by telling the person that they are by his/her side, but by helping them calm down. And then by helping them see the issue by putting themselves in the spouse's shoes too.*p**p*I do believe we try to save the relationship, not just one person or the other – except in cases where things are harsh – which agains brings us to the calming things bit.     *p*

DarshanaDoshi June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

A crooked tail  never changes it's shape no matter what one does.*p**p*.so if you are in a physically abusive relationship ..give an ultimatum with a time frame .if you find a change then  see for a while more and decide later and if no or little change then pack your bags and leave as the victimiser will be  encouraged and    continue doing the  same and take you for granted..*p**p*If it is an  emotionally abusive relationship then seek professional help   as there can be many shades which one can not always judge correctly . So before quitting be sure you are doing the right thing ..*p*

Arti Ohri June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Hi Anmol,*p**p*Realtionships are built to last…not to be broken when either of the partner errs.*p**p*Patience is the name of the game and yes also putting your EGO aside…so having said that- everyone gives their relationship a try ..a final shot…cause otherwise the guilt of not having tried enough hangs heavy on ones concience.So what may seem like suffering to us as outsiders is actually their attempt at trying to give it that FINAL GO TOWARDS HAPPINESS!(that should answer your first question)*p**p*But one certainly should know when to say stop! Abuse physical or emotional is a big NO NO! The question then comes as  to how many of us are prepared or updated with this knowledge? How many of us know the real meaning of ABUSE?*p**p*An abusive relationship is not just one persons fault..the other partner is equally responsible as he/she is allowing that to happen out of fear or insecurity of some kind which tends to give the absusive partner an upper hand.So being self sufficient independent strong become the foremost qualities to be developed and true and correct knowledge of ones rights (mind u this is for both the man n the woman)is the other aspect that one needs to know enough about.So if you know of someone suffering a bad marriage or relationship they need assistance in these areas first.*p**p*They need to know "how to step out"!*p**p*they need to know "they are not the only ones"*p**p*they need to know "there's help just round the corner"*p**p*We as bystanders cannot just give our opinions , one shoe will never fit all! -WE NEED TO HELP THEM OUT !(which i wonder how many of us would actually step out to do?)*p**p* *p*

Gaurangi Patel June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Depends.may be both, mostly.*p**p*Without being unnecessarily emotional.*p*

Anmol Ratan Sachdeva June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Thank you for your views. I myself believe that one should walk out of such a relationship. However, finding it hard to propagate the same to the individuals suffering from such a relationship. *p*

Anmol Ratan Sachdeva June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

You have long taught me this thing and am happy to understand the fact. But it is very hard for people to understand this and moreover, it has become hard for me to make people understand this fact. *p*

M Mohanty June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Depending on your personality type, often loyalty overrules everything else. One stands by friends first. But honesty in the freindship is when you not sugar coat things for your friend. Say the truth as brutal as it may be.*p*

christina June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I think people who abuse their partners verbally emotionally physically are cowards. They are like school bullies who buckle under pressure. Don't suffer their cruelty or nonsense. Leave them asap , but secure your financial future ,milk them dry and kick them in their balls when you are leaving them*p*

modernromeo June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Yes! I second that! *p*

modernromeo June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I think people are what they are. I knew a person who stayed in a relationship till her hubby started hitting the kid as well and that is when she walked out. I knw one more who was ino drugs, she kept up till he passed out in front of their child one day. I think an abusive person stays the way…the point here is to ask what is the degree of abuse? At times we abuse each other because we take each other for granted too. But something sre acceptable others are not! And that understanding is imp! *p*

RakshaBharadia June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Wow! This is poken from the heart and needs to be understood well! Thanks for this Aarti! *p*

Ayushi June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

Well, I'll always choose the one who's correct. That's because humanity is above any love/hate relationship. And, you can walk guilt free if you take a rational decision of helping the who's correct. *p*

Abhijit Gadre June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

I agree with all the wise people who have suggested to severe the abusive relationship ASAP.*p**p*But in such case that the victim is in sufference of Stockholm syndrome and is happy and feels safer and secure in the abusive relationship against getting out and face an unknown world, this becomes a tricky situation. I have seen many couples live a whole life under such cicumstances.There are financial reasons mainly in such forced relationships. Many a times I have seen things mellowing down with age and the S&M story fizzles.*p**p*Nature has its own way of dealing things, humans may differ.*p*

DeeptiMenon June 8, 2017 - 8:56 am

If a relationship is abusive from the start, it is probably not going to get any better. In such a case, it would ideally be best not to get involved at all. However, if you are already in such a relationship, and realize that there is no hope of things getting better, you should walk out instead of suffering in silence. A clean break would be best.*p*

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