Don’t try to change your partner

Vikash Fernandes

We all want our partners to be like ourselves. Too many mismatches and dislikes always raises a question in our mind, ‘if we both are so different, how do we love each other so much?

When I was studying in college in 2012, I used to stay at Vidyanagar, Gujarat. I was 22 years old, while my fiancée was 20. It had been three years since we had proposed to each other when we were studying together.

I come from a job oriented, South-Indian, middle class family and my only goal was to get a good job after graduation. I was worried about my future and this made me studious and serious. I would not stay back in the college to gossip nor would I waste time having dinner with friends. I would prefer to go alone and complete my dinner quickly. In fact, I was so obsessed with time that I go to the same restaurant, where I would order the same food to avoid wasting time in selecting a dish!

Unfortunately, this attitude began affecting my relationship with my fiancée. Whenever she would surprise me by visiting or giving me gifts, I would ignore it. In fact I started telling her to stop and to let me concentrate on my studies and that she should concentrate on hers. Whenever she would crack some joke or try to make me laugh, I used to ask her to grow-up or become mature. This went on for some time, until she was misled by a belief that I will be happy only if she behaves like a matured individual.

Related reading: They are the spice in my life

And so became a different person altogether. Once we were out for dinner and I asked her what she would like to have, and she just said ‘anything would do’. I knew that she loved ice cream; so I ordered her an ice cream, and she said ‘no’ to that. This behaviour really surprised me. I realised that she was not fine from inside because she had changed herself to suit my needs.

I felt guilty and decided to work on our relationship. I then started taking her out regularly, surprising her, bought gifts for her, arranged a meeting with my parents, often sent her jokes her on her phone, made her smile by doing mimicry of actors like Rajesh Khanna & Dev Anand.

It took her almost two years to become the way I knew and loved. Now she is happy, laughs at my silliest joke; we have a blast when we share time together, and she also shares her feelings honestly with me.  But I will always regret wasting that precious time, when we were in college, staying so near that it would take us all of five minutes to the other’s place, while today it takes me four hours by train to go and meet her.

When we fall in love with the person, we accept him/her as he/she is, then why do we try to change them? We should enjoy the relationship with a blend of expectedness and unexpectedness, known and unknown, yes and no, happiness and sadness.

He changed into a woman to marry the man he loved but the man left him!

How I turned into a jealous monster

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1 comment

Preeti Goyal
Preeti Goyal July 12, 2018 - 1:43 pm

f you want an intimate relationship, there are some things you need to accept. Accept the way your partner is, you loived him/her for tghe way they were. If you change them they will never be the same and you will lose that intimacy and closeness eventually.

So, be who you are and do not expect your partner to change!

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