Fed up of abusive in-laws I moved to my parents’ place, but my loving husband sent back all my belongings too

sad woman in black background

Dear Ma’am,

I was married 2 years ago. It is an arranged marriage. My husband is an extremely loving and caring person.

I moved into his and his parents’ house right after marriage. The issues started soon after. My father-in-law would come home drunk at times. This would anger my husband since FIL had promised him before our marriage multiple times that he would stop drinking. This would result in huge arguments between them. My husband wanted to move out at that time but I convinced him to ignore FIL’s behaviour.

Although my mother-in-law would do most of the household chores, I would always help out (whenever I was home, since I have a job). Sometimes my husband would help me out as well, but my MIL was not very happy with that. She convinced him to stop helping me out.

No matter what I did, I was always wrong. If her son did not eat enough in her absence, the blame would be on me. (He is 30 years old, for god’s sake, it is up to him to decide if he wants to eat less some day). If my husband and I have a small argument, she would get involved and start blaming me, screaming at me, make a mountain out of a molehill. Even if I would go into kitchen, I would be constantly told which utensils to use and which to not use, what to do, how to do, etc. I had no say whatsoever in doing things my way.

We stayed like that for 2 years. My husband and I were making great strides in our careers and were always looking for some encouragement from them. But all we got was negativity. They’d tell us how we could have done better.

Also, they are extremely money minded and always commented on our spending habits; asking us where we went, how much we spent, etc. This money thing affects our day to day lives too. Since MIL would do the shopping, we would eat whatever she would bring (whatever was the cheapest). Me and my husband would go out of town on weekends just so that we could some peace of mind from all the family drama.

I put in a lot of efforts for all festival, birthdays, etc. Almost every such occasion ends up being another argument/fight between my husband and parents over some silly reasons. I am tired of losing out on important days and moments in our marriage because of their arguments and controlling nature.

My husband was convinced that we should move out and I supported him too, but his parents convinced him otherwise.

On one such argument, I moved to my parents’ place and now I do not wish to go back to that place. It’s been 3 months and he is still not ready to move out. He says it is our responsibility to take care of them in their old age. (They are in their 50s and 60s and are fit and fine.) I have tried explaining that we will still stay close to them and take care of them, still he is not ready to move out.

He has now returned all of my belongings.

I have tried my best to convince him in every way, and he is not ready to budge. I don’t understand why he has suddenly changed his mind and I don’t know what to do.

Dr. Snigdha Mishra says:

First things first. Your husband was always supportive of you. In fact, he used to have fights with his parents but was not nasty to you because of them. I can understand that your in-laws are toxic and this affects peace in the house and also affects your relationship with your husband.

If I’m not wrong, you and your husband were suffering together. So what made you leave your husband and move to your parents’?

I’m not saying that you should suffer and be this martyr woman who sacrifices all. But what I don’t get is, in order to get away from your toxic in-laws you left your supportive husband. I hope you get what I mean?

I can only assume that he’s hurt or in pain over this. Do you not think it will be more appropriate if you speak with your husband about mending your own relationship before thinking about staying or living with in-laws?

Forget about the in-laws; you can use tact here, to save your marriage first.

You have to decide.

A. Is my relationship with my husband important?

B. What if I agree to stay with him and the in-laws for now, till my hubby and I are better off?

C. Is living separately worth breaking my marriage or ending my relationship with my hubby?

Of course, in-laws will not change, but your marriage most certainly has in these three months. Do you mean, “If my husband doesn’t move out of the marital home, I won’t live with my husband?”

Think about all of this and also what your moving out has done to your husband and changed the bond that the two of you had. Please write back to discuss this further.

All the best!

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Readers Comments On “Fed up of abusive in-laws I moved to my parents’ place, but my loving husband sent back all my belongings too”

  1. Hi Girl,

    What got me so much pressure to write for your post is the story which is totally my story of life. Exactly same has happened to me even the time periods of marriage and seperation is same. I also got married 2 years back and left my husband and in laws 3 months back just because of the toxic relationship with in laws.

    I am living now with my parents and very much satisfied for what i did. He also have returned all my belongings. I want to tell you this that my husband was also supportive when it comes to problems but when the problems increased that too because of his parents, i asked him to move out to have a peacefull life. My inlaws are working and they have government job which makes their future and retirement period super carefree. But yes my husband being only son i always wanted to shift nearby so that we can visit them easily.

    But its always said if you care too much for others you will end up getting nothing in return. My pain and sufferings were increasing day by day and then i took this decision to move out even if my husband doesnt wants to.

    Now here i want to comment that what is the use of that supportive and caring nature of my husband when he is not able to see his wife pain for tolerating nonsense everyday. What is the use of that love which got vanished when it came to decision making. If they are his parents who brought him up then am i not his wife who is going to take care of his kids in future? This shows that parents matters but wife matters only when she is supporting. The moment she ask for her right to a peacefull life, she will be straightway asked to leave home.

    So please….. Stop blaiming yourself for this situation. You have right to a peacefull life which is full of happiness and joy. Stop trying to please those person who have such a narrow minded thinking that a wife is not a wife but a care taker of these toxic in laws.

    I have moved on in my life and stopped looking back because the person who dint chose me then why would i? Just because i m a woman? a sacrificing lady? No, i have sacrificed t too alot for two years but not now, not anymore.

    Rest, life is yours. I hope you will take wise decision for your life.

    well wisher!!

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