Question: I am 35/F/Married (11 yrs)/Delhi/have a 5-year-old child. Since her birth, I have very less sexual desire. On the contrary, my husband had always been a person of high libido. Now, the scenario is that every time he has to initiate sex. Also, most of those times I do not feel like having any sexual act at all. He has started complaining about it lately. This issue is causing friction in an otherwise happy and settled married life. Our relationship started 13 years back with two good friends indulging in sexual exploration only, love actually came later on. We were in live-in relation for almost a year before getting married to each other. Obviously, after a couple of years of marriage the steam of sex has settled down, but it was never a point of concern before our child was born. Sans the topic of sex, we are best friends to each other and complement each other in life. Initially, we thought my physical health after delivery is the reason for sour sex life but even after 5 years now the situation remains the same. Sometimes, I don’t refuse sex and just go with the flow when my partner is asking for it, but feel so suffocated psychologically that feel like almost hitting him when he is feeling me during the act. Please advice me how I can get out of this black hole, as it is sucking the peace out of our happy married life.
Answer: Sex is a matter of habit, you can get used to it or unused to it. In your case, it seems like you have got unused it after your baby was born. You sound worn out and depressed to me and I think you ought to see a lady sexologist about this. I do hope your husband can encourage you to get help, as you obviously feel pretty awful. I realise this is awful for both, but do try and be patient. You have made a child together and I’m sure you want to hang on in there, if at all possible. What may help a little is if you – difficult though it is – backs off a bit regarding sex and simply try to re-engage as spouses romantically. Can you organise someone to babysit and go out for a meal at least once a week? You are depressed. The result is a kind of stalemate.
Related reading: Are Indians ignorant about sex and intimacy?Dr Paras Shah discusses.
From your husband’s point of view, he may well feel that he is too grumpy and you can’t see why on earth would a wife want to have sex because the atmosphere is no longer very loving. The husband on the other hand probably feels that you would act in a more loving way if you were getting more sex. But you could start right away by trying to somehow recapture how things were before the baby was born. It’s not very hard to recreate that magic before your baby was born: simple physical hugs, holding hands, complementing each other, sending each other appreciative text messages. Get out for a weekend without your child and indulge in a lot of slow foreplay, engage in conversations. Send flirtatious messages. Reassure each other that you love each other and also, want a bit of each other’s attention to strengthen your bond as partners and parents.
With the above pointers certainly, there is bound to be some improvement and the channel of communication will be more warm and fluid. If you encounter further issues you can always seek the help of a lady sexologist.