Five reasons why wives find husbands half as useful as a table lamp

Man watching Television

So what is it that irritates the hell out of wives? Apparently, the list is too long to fit here, so I decided to cover the essentials.

1. Why can’t you just talk?


Stress at work or stress with partner, men in relationships never talk. This irritating habit of ‘being the man’ all the time irritates the hell out of wives. Come on, speak up. As of now, there is no tax on speaking. We may not offer any solutions but just hearing your voice is balm enough for our hungry ears and may even be for your hurting soul.

A friend’s husband recently confessed to her how he wanted to quit his high-paying job and wished to travel the world instead. My friend made him realise how important he was to his job. He is convinced, while she has booked herself a solo trip with the girls. Now isn’t that a win-win for both? Huh?

2. Farsightedness, anyone?


Whether it’s looking for a shirt in that closet or for a pan in the kitchen, men just can’t seem to find things. Mine asks the question, ‘where is it?’ even before he has opened the bloody drawers. Strangely, this farsightedness conveniently disappears if he has to find the TV remote or has to point out that one strand of hair on your upper lip even with the lights out. My son seems to be following those unsure footsteps and I’m in a good mind to whack both of them with the TV remote next time their hyperopia kicks in.

3. Lazy as a sloth or else the Terminator


There are two extremes to this husband species. One who never gets out of bed on a weekend until it’s late evening and even then it’s just to decide what food to eat for dinner and the other is the one who is up at 5 even on a Saturday morning so enthusiastic for his marathon preparation that the entire family runs behind him as cheerleaders for his flagging, ageing manhood. A friend recently confessed that she was exhausted by her hyperactive husband, who wouldn’t miss an excuse to party outside or even invite friends at home if no other plans worked out. She is seriously thinking of divorce, while he greedily thinks of the hors d’ oeuvres for his next bash with the boys.

4.We need a partner, not a helper


“Why didn’t you ask?” is the constant refrain from lazy husbands who refuse to take partnership in household chores unless asked. Seriously, it’s 2017. There is no excuse in the book of gods and in the books of your mom that can save you from equal contribution to making a grocery list. It’s not that difficult. If only you would visit the kitchen more often, you would know what’s missing from the shelves. And as for picking up those toys from the floor, the ones you let your son scatter around so that you don’t have to look after him for a while? Next time you forget to pick up those Lego pieces, I will make sure to put them in bed when you are exhausted after bingeing on Netflix at night.

5. Honey, those kids are yours. No, seriously.


It started with our grandfathers, who would almost always enter the wrong date of birth for their children during school admissions. Then our fathers inherited this rare memory lapse, and would never remember which class we were studying in. And it has finally been the bane of mommies in 2017 when someone asks “What does your child like to eat?” and the father looks helplessly at Mommy, as unsure as he was while making that baby. Really, honey! Feeding your child one meal a day would tell you what he likes. And as for what he doesn’t like, he will make sure you know by spitting the contents of his plate in your face. Trust me, when he does that, the feeling is mutual.

Apart from that, being miserly in giving compliments, surprises and gifts has been known to cause divorces or serious inactivity in bed for longer durations. Time to pull up those socks or else keep those drawstrings on your pants tightly knotted.

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