(As told to Arpit Chhikara)
A girl in class gave me a love letter when I was in school. I neither said yes nor said no, because I only saw her as a woman and she had no sexual attraction for me whatsoever. This happened three years back and that is how my exploration of my own sexuality started. Every time I used to watch the porn recommended by my friends, I used to focus more on the guy than the girl.
One day I watched gay porn when it flashed on my computer screen in an advertisement. And I couldn’t believe my response to it. I was unable to feel any sort of eagerness and erection while watching straight guy-girl porn but the gay porn turned me on. I masturbated for the first time looking at a guy performing oral sex on another guy. When I told one of my close friends this, he never talked to me again, said he was scared that I would get touchy-feely with him. I knew what my cup of tea was but I had to hide it from other people. If a man feels turned on by women, he doesn’t go around the world groping every pair of breasts he comes across. But if you are a gay man, people assume that you will only be looking forward to grabbing other men’s crotches.
If a man feels turned on by women, he doesn’t go around the world groping every pair of breasts he comes across. But if you are a gay man, people assume that you will only be looking forward to grabbing other men’s crotches.
Related reading: 8 things that straight and gay couples do differently
College life was better
Things changed when I came to college. I met people who were non-judgemental and accepting of people around them. A classmate who was a close friend of mine, one day sat next to me and our legs rubbed against each other during the class. When the lecture was over, I went to the toilet and found my underwear wet. My desires were growing day by day but I knew nothing about doing things the right way. A girl, my neighbour and older than me, told me to use Grindr when I told her about my attraction towards guys. On the app, I found a lot of guys who were looking for sex.
One guy’s profile looked genuine and he was searching for a boyfriend. I messaged him and planned to meet him at a restaurant. He came, we met and he invited me to his flat. I was scared and told him that I had never been physically involved with a guy before. He insisted but my fear did not allow me to go and he left. After a few more meetings via Grindr and perverted attempts by guys to forcibly touch the zipper of my jeans and pinch my cheeks, I was tired. It was already hard for me to live in a society where I could not reveal my true identity. And then there were these guys who wanted to penetrate my rear on the pretext of love and never see my face again after having sex.
Related reading: I won’t play the game of being gay and polyamorous
I’m not just a source of sexual pleasure
After using Grindr for two months I realised that in the gay community, it is not hard to find guys who will pay you for going down on them. A guy who seemed interested in me offered me 5K for oral sex while we were texting. I was more than just a source of pleasure and I wanted somebody who could understand that. No, I wasn’t willing to have sex with a guy who would leave me as soon as he got another match on Tinder or a new message on Grindr.
I wasn’t willing to have sex with a guy who would leave me as soon as he got another match on Tinder or a new message on Grindr.
Yes, I wanted physical pleasure, but only with a guy whom I could trust before dropping my pants.
In the winter of 2016, I was attending a Queer film festival in New Delhi. There I met a guy who was younger than me and was looking for ways to talk to me about the film that was screened. I assumed that all he wanted was to get laid that night, so I told him that I wasn’t interested in talking to him anymore. “People are only looking to exchange bodily fluids and nothing more,” he said and began to leave. I realised the mistake that I had made by assuming his intentions, so I stopped him and told him that we misunderstood each other. He smiled… and we went for coffee.
An accepting relationship
After that day, we began to interact more and got close to each other. Soon after our relationship began. We were together without being overly clingy. We had sex and stayed together for five months until I had to leave for higher education to another city. Parting ways was hard, but we accepted each other’s lives and circumstances.
When I used to hang around with my guy friends who liked pictures of hot actresses on Instagram, I never expected to ever experience and find love and sex for myself, but I did. Presently I’m single and focusing on my career, while still being open to a possibility of romance if it comes! It has been a long journey since the first time I masturbated watching gay porn, but there’s a long way to go for society to acknowledge me as someone who is more than just his sexuality.