I just wanted to write my dilemma to you to ascertain the right thing to do. I have been dating this guy for the last 4 years. This is my first relationship. He has been in an 8-year-long relationship earlier and they had planned marriage but they parted ways. He always blamed the girl for the split.
We met on a dating site
We met on a dating site and took a liking towards each other. He lied about a lot of things initially, about his past, his career, his smoking habits etc. I eventually discovered a lot of things during our relationship and took them in my stride.
He promised me he would stop weed
Though he is an exceptionally great guy who supports me and my career at every step, he himself is stuck in a dead-end job and has little or no professional aspirations of his own. He has a tendency to hang out with people much younger to him and he frequently drinks and smokes with them. When I got irritated by his weed-smoking habits, he promised to me that he will stop and eventually even did.
He feels I am self-centred
However he does all of that casually and now again with being in the same kind of company, he’s into it again. I don’t want to be his mother but this habit gets to me and we end up fighting. After the last fight we had, he blamed me that I am self-centred and I have neglected all the good things and support he has extended to me and my family. We were planning to get married in 4 months and I am still unsure if it’s the right thing to do.
Should I overlook his juvenile habits just because he otherwise is a good guy? Please help.
Medicine is mostly bitter and so will be my answer. You say you don’t want to mother him but that’s exactly what you are doing. Mothering him!
He is into weed and you are being judgmental
He is having weed. He is smoking. He is not ambitious. He has a dead-end job. He is hanging out with people younger to him. Hello, it’s his life. If he has fun doing that, let him. You are judging him. And relationships where people judge, don’t end up being happy relationships.
Accept him with his faults
So if you intend to marry this guy, do it for the fact that you love being with him. In fact, in this volatile world, if you ever decide to commit, do it knowing and accepting the other person with all his likes and dislikes.
You are the monster for him
Think of it from his point of view and reverse the situation. He can say that the girl I think I want to marry in four months is over-ambitious, prude, boring and doesn’t like having fun and doesn’t accept me for who I am. He can say, I am never myself with her for though she liked me initially, I have to always pretend to be another person with her. See from his perspective you are the monster.
Don’t try to change him
I don’t mean to hurt you but honestly, if you want to make any relationship work, you MUST promise each other trust and love, no matter what. Once you accept who he is, what he likes and if you can accept him for that – marry him. Else, wait for someone else who fits your bill. But under no circumstances think of changing a person. Most marriages rot because of this and it’s great that you identified it beforehand.
Love and light,