Have you ever been in a relationship but have found yourself questioning, he just wants sex or does he really want me? As women, we are always baffled in regards to this one question. For men, their libido is always at the forefront of relationships. This makes women always question their intentions.
‘Does he just want sex?’ You’ve probably asked yourself this question too many times. Constantly questioning his commitment and stake in the relationship can be harrowing and difficult. We have been trained to expect only one thing from men. But that does not necessarily have to be the case.
He Just Wants Sex, Doesn’t He?
We have been told for ages that men’s minds are so immersed in thoughts of sex that it can become a full-time preoccupation. Women are always bogged down wondering how to know if he just wants sex. It has been understood for ages that if offered unattached sex with an attractive woman, most men would accept. All they need is spicy sexual compatibility and all else does not matter. And we just believe it without checking facts.
This idea that men are ever ready, ever willing for sex is actually not completely true. ‘He just wants sex’ is more often a myth. This may be true for teenagers, who have just begin exploring sex, but this attitude changes once responsibilities set in.
“Men generally think that we are the ‘headache and not today’ gender with regard to sex. Women believe that it’s normal to not be in the mood because of stress or health reasons. And hence, I have always felt that for men, the mood doesn’t affect sex,” said Karen, who was my client.
Men and women are different even when it comes to sexual desires. It’s not always only about who has the stronger sex drive. Women are more emotionally expressive and their desire for sex is about intimacy and connection. They look more for romance than sex.
Women also take more time to get physically ready for sex. Men usually don’t. They are more receptive to it. But this doesn’t mean that men aren’t emotional or are unromantic. This does not mean that he just wants sex.
“My husband normally asks for what he wants. To him, intimacy and connection come from sex. He feels romantic after sex than before sex,” Karen adds.
Related Reading: Do women lose interest in sex more than men?
‘It’s not the sex, it’s the nurturing we want’
“Always wanting sex is part of the male persona that some of us wear to show we’re manly. But that’s not what we really want. What we really want is some safety and peace. Our life is more than just sex positions that men love. We want to relax and be taken care of and that for us happens through sex.
“My wife wants to have a conversation during moments of vulnerability, and that’s what I get put off with. We want to be nurtured like we were as little boys. But admitting the need for nurturing to my wife might make me feel like a little boy and not a big strong man,” Mike explained.
Men, like women, also have their weak times. These are not signs that he just wants sex. Many things are important than sex to men: love, friendship, loyalty, to name a few. For men, craving sex is like a typical craving for chocolates. Each sexual encounter is a connection made, satisfaction received. It is like ending the day with a pudding in your hand.
Related Reading: 10 sex related myths that most men believe
“Sex actually makes me feel like I am finally home and rested. After a day of hard work, sex is soothing. I feel a deep attachment and closeness with my wife. Yes, you may think these are signs he just wants sex but it does not simply end there. Being sexually desired by my wife is the most reassuring part of my marriage,” another client revealed, talking about the importance of sex in his marriage.
The reward at the end of the day
Good sex is like energy to the man, a drive to pursue his life’s purpose. He powers through daily struggles desiring a sexual reward at the end of the day, while most women may wish for an emotional connection at the end of a tiring day at work and home. This makes women think, ‘Oh! He just wants sex’. They want to have some communication bonding before making a physical connection.
“What I understood after ten years of marriage is that women need to feel loved to have sex but men need to have sex to feel loved. That is the main difference. So, I have stopped comparing sexual desires in our marriage, as we both need sex for different reasons and needs.
“I tell my friends to stop blaming their husbands for their interest or lack of interest in sex. It is only momentary and will change according to life. But the main problem is that the person who wants sex more almost always feels rejected by their partner.
“They begin to feel guilty and wonder if there is something wrong with them. Women have been conditioned about “men will be men” or to constantly question: does he only want sex from me? If he doesn’t want sex, they worry that they may not be attractive enough.”
Related Reading: Health benefits of sex for men and women
“I’ve heard a lot of my friends make such statements,” said Rudra, another client who has understood the dynamics of sex in her marriage.
Men find it tough to admit to their partners that they want to feel safe and nurtured. They think it is not manly enough to think so. And then it takes a lot more guts to let his woman know he may want sex, but more important is his need for security, love, and nurture. They feel vulnerable.
Be strong and nurturing
“When a man wants to feel safe with a woman, then the partner has to ideally let him be vulnerable and she should be ready to nurture. She must be strong and have a huge amount of confidence and self-love to be the anchor for that man. The fact that he just wants sex is one of the most common lies women believe about men.
Importantly, she should also know how to draw the line short of becoming his mother and being overly pampering. If this understanding can happen in a marriage, then the marriage is successful,” Rudra added.
The world is in the midst of a major sexual shift. It is evident from the movies we watch and the books we read. Women today are more sexually liberated and more comfortable asking for exactly what they want in sex. This is very welcome and healthy in a partnership, though society sees it as a threat.
It’s not that women’s desire is low. On the contrary, some women have a stronger libido than their partners. That’s probably how it always had been, but culturally women were hushed from expressing it as much as they do now.
If a guy only sees you as a sexual partner, he probably just wants sex. Does he take you out on dates? Does he call you often? Or does he only show up at your house when he is bored and in the mood for sex?
If he does not make loving conversation with you or takes you out on dates, he may not be taking you very seriously. If he only makes booty calls, chances are he just wants sex.